Hey Jimmy Kimmel! There’s a ‘near zero’ chance of you bombing with this Oscars monologue

Tariq Khan
·7 min read
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With many of the winners of the Academy Awards now looking set in stone, there’s one question that we still have to ask. How will returning host Jimmy Kimmel do on his fourth try? His previous gigs were in 2017, 2018 and last year. He’s always been great. But this year, he’ll be better than ever… if he decides to deliver the following Oscars monologue. Mr. Kimmel — here you go.

1. Good evening and welcome to the Academy Awards. Or as it’s known this year, the “OppenOscars.” That’s right. There are 10 films vying for Best Picture. One of them is “Oppenheimer.” The other nine are all “Poor Things.”

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2. I’m Jimmy Kimmel, father of the atomic joke and your Oscars host. And good news. Best Actor nominee Cillian Murphy can assure you that there’s a “near zero” chance that I’ll bomb tonight. I can just hear Matt Damon’s melodramatic response. “Near zero, Jimmy?”

SEE Oscar nominations: How did your favorite films fare?

3. This is my fourth time emceeing the Academy Awards. And like every year, I’m the one person who’s guaranteed to go home without an Oscar. I never thought that I would say this, but I finally understand what it feels like to be Bradley Cooper.

4. There he is. Our favorite American sniper. Whatever happens tonight, we have to acknowledge Bradley’s truly remarkable portrayal of Leonard Bernstein in “Maestro.” He spent six years preparing for the role. But Bradley has always been deeply committed to his craft. He spent 18 months in Vegas doing research for “The Hangover.”

5. Tonight we honor the best films of 2023 — especially those released the weekend of July 22. “Barbie” and “Oppenheimer.” Or “Barbenheimer” as some people like to say. Which is kind of silly. I mean, “As Good as It Gets” and “Titanic” were released around the same time in 1997. I don’t recall anyone referring to them as “As Good as It Sinks.”

6.  But we can’t ignore the monumental success of either film. Christopher Nolan’s “Oppenheimer” celebrates 13 nominations tonight. That’s just one shy of the all-time record. If only Christopher had found a part for his former “Inception” star Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh wait — that would have left “Oppenheimer” stuck at 13.

7. One of those lucky 13 nominations for “Oppenheimer” is for inevitable Best Supporting Actor winner Robert Downey Jr. You don’t have to be “Sherlock Holmes” to know that the Oscar is his. But not without a fight. Also in the category is Mark Ruffalo for his hilarious turn in “Poor Things.” Can you believe it? Iron Man and the Hulk duking it out for an award. That’s something that you don’t even see at Comic-Con.

8. Enough about “Oppenheimer.” “Barbie” is up for eight Academy Awards. Greta Gerwig became the first woman to direct a film that grossed over a billion dollars. She unfortunately was not nominated for Best Director, but she and Noah Baumbach are up for the “Barbie” screenplay. It has to be the finest adaptation of Henrik Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House” to date.

9. And then there’s Barbie herself — Margot Robbie. What a spectacular performance. Some people say that she wasn’t nominated for Best Actress because the character is just a pretty blonde with no real depth. Which is kind of ironic. Because Margot’s two previous Oscar nominations came for playing Tonya Harding and an aspiring Fox News anchor.

10. One person from “Barbie” who was nominated is Ryan Gosling. Or as I like to call him, the 40-year-old Ken doll.

SEE 2024 Oscar nominations: Full list of contenders in all 23 categories

11. One of the sweetest movies of the year was “The Holdovers.” Best Actor nominee Paul Giamatti is cast as a classics teacher at a fancy New England boarding school. Paul Giamatti teaching the classics? I can just imagine what’s on the course syllabus. “Sideways.” “American Splendor.” And if his students are really lucky, “Big Momma’s House.”

12. “American Fiction” is another of this year’s Best Picture nominees. It’s amazing to see one film that showcases the talents of so many incredible Black actors. Like Oscar nominees Jeffrey Wright and Sterling K. Brown, plus Issa Rae, Tracee Ellis-Ross and many more. Samuel L. Jackson has already been cast in the sequel. The working title is “American Pulp Fiction.”

13. The German-language “The Zone of Interest” has to be one of the most harrowing films competing for Best Picture. Set during World War II, a charming and loving family happily eats, plays and laughs — completely oblivious to the atrocities being committed all around them. Come to think of it, that’s basically the same plot as “The Sound of Music.”

14. Another foreign language film in the running for Best Picture is France’s “Anatomy of a Fall.” It features a master class performance from Best Actress nominee Sandra Huller. She plays a German woman on trial for murdering her husband. The jury deliberating for hours. Is she innocent? Is she guilty? And why did we choose “The Taste of Things” over this as our country’s official Oscar submission?

15. Of course, if Sandra wants to win the Oscar, she has to kill some pretty stiff competition. Like Emma Stone in “Poor Things.” She plays Bella Baxter, a grown woman with the brain of a child. It was the toughest acting challenge of Emma’s career. Except for the time she had to look happy on the Oscars stage after realizing that “La La Land” had lost Best Picture to “Moonlight.”

16. Also up for Best Actress is the astonishing Annette Bening in “Nyad.” She plays a woman who swims nonstop from Cuba to Florida. Talk about determination. Annette will do just about anything to get out of watching “Reds” with Warren.

17. And Annette’s “Nyad” co-star Jodie Foster is also here, nominated for Best Supporting Actress. The first time that Jodie was up for this award was for 1976’s “Taxi Driver.” Speaking of which, the movie’s director and star, Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro are also here, nominated for “Killers of the Flower Moon.” So almost 50 years after the film’s release, we have a “Taxi Driver” reunion at the Oscars. It is really is something, but that’s gotta be one heck of a cab fare.

18. By the way, when the Best Supporting Actor envelope is opened, the card is just going to say “Robert.” That way we all get to hear Mr. De Niro ask, “Are you talkin’ to me?”

19. Even if he loses, his “Killers of the Flower Moon” co-star Lily Gladstone could become the first Native American woman to be named Best Actress. If she wins, she’ll give her acceptance speech in Blackfeet. I can already translate the first few lines for you. “206 minutes. Really, Marty? That’s even longer than this show.”

20. On that note, it’s time to start the show. Congratulations and good luck to all of the nominees. And remember, there’s no need for outrage if the person you voted for doesn’t win. You can save that for this November.

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