Hayden Panettiere opens about addiction, postpartum depression: 'I didn't want to be around me'

Hayden Panettiere is on a journey of healing following a "cycle of self-destruction."

The "Nashville" alum, 32, opened up about her struggles with addiction and postpartum depression in a joint interview with People and "Good Morning America," telling the outlets she "was on top of the world and I ruined it."

"I'd think I hit rock bottom, but then there's that trap door that opens," she told People in an interview published Wednesday.

Panettiere revealed over the past year she's sought treatment, noting that he sobriety journey has had "a lot of ups and downs," but no regrets. "I don't regret even the ugliest things that have happened to me. I feel incredibly accomplished. And I feel like I have a second chance."

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Panettiere had appeared in several soap operas and had a breakout in "Remember the Titans," and her success continued, starring in 2004's "Tiger Cruise" and 2005's "Ice Princess" when she was around 15 years old. It was at that age that Panettiere recalled someone on her team giving her "happy pills" ahead of red carpet interviews to make her "peppy."

"I had no idea that this was not an appropriate thing, or what door that would open for me when it came to my addiction," she told People.

Although she maintained sobriety while on set, the actress said things got progressively "out of control" off set. "As I got older, the drugs and alcohol became something I almost couldn't live without."

While starring in TV country music drama "Nashville," Panettiere became pregnant with her now-7-year-old daughter Kaya, whom she shares with ex Wladimir Klitschko. The pregnancy was written into the show and the actress began to see parallels between herself and her troubled character Juliette Barnes, who she played in the series from 2012 to 2018.

"I could relate to a lot of those storylines like the alcoholism and postpartum depression. They hit close to home," she said.

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Postpartum worsened addiction to alcohol

Panettiere said she maintained sobriety while pregnant, but began to slip back into alcohol addiction after Kaya was born.

"I didn't know where the alcoholism was ending and the postpartum was beginning," she told "GMA."

"People around me were more concerned about my usage of alcohol than they ever were about the postpartum depression," she added.

It eventually put a strain on her relationship with Klitschko. "He didn't want to be around me. I didn't want to be around me," she recalled to People. "But with the opiates and alcohol I was doing anything to make me feel happy for a moment. Then I'd feel worse than I did before. I was in a cycle of self-destruction."

Panettiere said at one point in her life she "would have the shakes when I woke up and could only function with sipping alcohol." Doctors eventually told her that her liver "was going to give out" if she continued.

The actress also said voiced that once she was being treated for alcohol addiction, people no longer believed that she had ever suffered from postpartum.

"Once you're the identified patient as the alcoholic and not as a girl, a woman going through postpartum depression then they don't believe anything that comes outta your mouth," she explained. "It's frustrating. It's heartbreaking. You wanna break down and cry, which makes you look even worse. But not being believed, I think to anybody not being believed is — when they're telling the truth — is painful."

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Amid her postpartum, Panettiere said, "I never had the feeling that I wanted to harm my child, but I didn't want to spend any time with her."

In 2018, she decided it was best for Kaya to live with her father in Ukraine as her depression and addiction worsened.

"It was the hardest thing I ever had to do," she told People. "But I wanted to be a good mom to her — and sometimes that means letting them go."

Panettiere called her daughter her "favorite little person" as they've strengthened their bond, noting she talks to her ex Klitschko "a lot."

"(Kaya) is like the 2.0 version where she's so much smarter," she added. "But she's incredible. She's such a little light."

Amid the war in Ukraine, her daughter has since relocated out of the country to a "very safe" location.

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Sobriety is 'an everyday choice'

"I'm checking in with myself all the time," Panettiere said when it comes to caring for her mental health. "But I'm just so grateful to be part of this world again, and I will never take it for granted again."

The actress is making her acting comeback, reprising her role as Kirby Reed in "Scream 6," which she described as "so good for my soul."

"I just want to keep that ball rolling. I have a whole new team of people who really believe in me and they have helped me to gain some trust back in myself," she said.

If your or someone you know is struggling with substance use disorders, you can call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. The service is free, confidential and available in English and Spanish. 

Those looking for treatment for perinatal or postpartum depression should seek a women's health specialist with perinatal psychology training. Postpartum Support International can connect moms or loved ones with trained professionals. Connect with them online or by calling 1-800-944-4773.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Hayden Panettiere on addiction, postpartum depression, daughter