At the top of the second episode of “The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City,” Season 4, we get the long-awaited taglines for the season, and I’ve gotta tell you, there’s not a winner in the bunch.
Lisa Barlow: “I’m on a mission to serve Lisa and I love that for myself.”
Honestly, I can only guess what this is a reference to and I think it’s “serve” as in serving alcohol because she owns a tequila company, but I could be way off. And it’s not great when someone who has seen every episode of every season can only guess what you’re talking about.
Heather Gay: “I own a beauty empire so I don’t need any of your lip service.”
Heather co-owns the medspa Beauty Lab + Laser, which has two locations. Feels like we’re playing pretty fast and loose with the word “empire.”
Monica Garcia: “I keep my friends close but my secrets closer.”
This one isn’t so much a tagline as it is just a sentence.
Meredith Marks: “In a town full of dirty lies, everyone can use a bath.”
Looks like Meredith is going to continue holding tight to this dirty bathtub storyline until someone pries it away from her. Please, someone, pry it away from her.
Angie Katsanevas: “I may be Greek but don’t expect an olive branch from me.”
The thing you need to know about Angie is that she is Greek. We know this because she mentions it in every scene she’s in. To be clear, it’s very cool to be Greek. But like, mentioning it one time is sufficient. We’ll remember.
Whitney Rose: “Having faith in myself is the only religion I need.”
That’s pretty self-explanatory.
The meat of the episode begins with Meredith, dressed as Cookie Monster, meeting Lisa for a walk.
These two have been at odds since an unfortunate hot mic moment at the end of Season 2, wherein Lisa made some unsavory accusations of Meredith. But Meredith is ready to bury the hatchet.
What’s really special about this scene is that it features two of the most iconic voices on television. Lisa speaks in a deep alto register and Meredith sounds like Fran Drescher if she talked like an old-timey transcontinental movie star. I find listening to these two very soothing and I hope they partner with the Calm app, because I would definitely listen to them talk about shopping as I drift off to sleep.
Lisa, too, is ready to move past their disagreements. They both apologize for their wrongdoings and decide to hope for the best moving forward.
Next, we find Heather at Crystal Hot Springs, because this show has run out of places to film. She meets Whitney for a soak. Heather uses this time to complain about Angie, whom she has known since high school and does not care for, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear other than she needs a conflict for airtime. “She had the Greeks,” Heather explains, like we would know what that means.
Then we catch up with Meredith and her husband in their Park City “home” and she reveals the two of them have started a podcast. The podcast has one episode so far and I’m willing to predict there won’t be a second.
Their “home” is actually a vacation home. They have had a different rental every season because they don’t actually live here.
Meredith tells Seth she’s planning a girls’ trip but is not inviting Angie because Angie is getting the villain edit this season.
Speaking of, we find Angie in her palatial Salt Lake Avenues home making a salad with her husband, Sean, and daughter, Elektra. “You are so Greek,” she tells her daughter. I wasn’t kidding. Literally every scene she’s in.
Angie tells her husband things have been weird with her and Heather but she’d like to make things better. Best of luck, Ange.
Next, we find Monica packing orders at her kitchen table. Her mom, Linda, who lives three minutes away, is there to help process orders of baby swaddles. She started her company, Brea Baby, as a hobby when she was married. Now, post-divorce, it’s her livelihood, she explains. Her daughter Bri joins the table to help, and Monica reveals to her mother and daughter that being around other housewives makes her feel so insecure that she bought a Louis Vuitton bag from the LV store at City Creek, the shopping center you may recognize from the first episode where the women recited obscure scriptures while walking past each other. It’s actually a very relatable confession. “I don’t want them to make fun of me,” she says. And that kind of breaks my heart a little bit.
Later, Whitney and her husband, Justin, meet Angie and Sean for dinner. “I’m so excited for the girls’ trip,” Whitney says, I’m pretty sure reading off of a cue card just out of frame. Angie explains she hasn’t been invited, so Whitney invites her as her plus one.
Live look at Whitney:
Over at Heather’s favorite consignment store, she meets Monica, who is still feeling uneasy about her wardrobe compared to the other women’s. Heather tells Monica she thinks Angie seems catty and jealous. Catty and jealous could be the subtitle to the entire “Housewives” universe. That’s the whole point. Even though she knows Monica is friends with Angie, Heather decides to give Monica the benefit of the doubt. “I don’t want her to be guilty by association,” she tells producers in her confessional. This is seconds before Monica reveals she had an affair with her husband’s sister’s husband. Not guilty by association indeed.
Meanwhile, Mary is in her home calling the Trixie Motel, where they are headed for the girls’ trip, to see if they have 2003 Dom Pérignon and acceptable snacks. The answer is no and no. “Who doesn’t have Dom Pérignon?” she exclaims. I assume the answer is most places.
All the women minus Whitney and Angie arrive at the airport. Whitney and Angie decided to fly out early to arrive at the motel first, unbeknownst to the rest of the housewives.
Famed drag queen Trixie Mattel, owner of the Trixie Motel (get it?), greets Whitney and Angie poolside and gives them a tour of the very pink accommodations.
Meanwhile, in the Palm Springs airport restroom, Lisa has somehow misplaced her $60,000 ring. I did not know rings on fingers other than the royal family’s could cost $60,000. This show is very educational.
The women search for 45 minutes in the bathroom but never find the jewelry. “The only other thing I’ve ever lost is Chanel sunglasses,” Lisa tells the other women as they take their shuttle to the motel. You know when you hear someone say some things and suddenly realize you might be living on completely separate planes of existence? That’s me watching Lisa in this scene.
Monica offers her a conciliatory chip, much to the chagrin of Mary, who gets crumbs on her lap in the process. Mary is in a bad mood, it seems, because a moment later she declares, “I just want to get to where we are going,” a sentiment I hear expressed by my 4-year-old any time we are in the car for longer than five minutes.
At long last, the shuttle arrives at the motel, and the episode ends just as they approach the gate.
What happens when Meredith finds an uninvited guest on her girls’ trip will be revealed next week.