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Golden Globes 2016: The Highs and Lows

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HIGH: J.Law and A.Schu for Globes 2016!

We’ve been hearing for weeks about Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer as new BFFs, but aside from their YouTube’d collaboration with Billy Joel, we hadn’t yet seen this power duo in action. Their first big public splash had the Globes crowd in stitches, from Schumer giving herself her own “J.Law”-esque celebrity nickname (“A.Schu”) to admitting her desire for “all the Hemsworthes.” Rarely does pre-written banter feel so natural and unforced (they must really like each other!), and rarely is it so funny. Next up: They’re writing a movie together, but maybe they just made their case to host next year’s show?

LOW: Jonah Hill Bombs as a Bear

It must have seemed like such a great idea in rehearsal: Jonah Hill would tweak his Wolf of Wall Street co-star, Leonardo DiCaprio, by dressing up as the actor’s nemesis in his new box-office hit, The Revenant: a fiercely protective Mama Bear. Unfortunately, the bit didn’t just bomb… it bombed hard, and Hill tried to save it by going blue, unleashing a series of f-bombs that the censors had to mute and rendering his appearance incomprehensible as well as unfunny. The only thing that actually made us laugh about the bit was Tatum’s hairstyle.

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HIGH: Sly Gets a Standing O
Don’t call it a comeback, but Sylvester Stallone has been getting some of the best reviews of his career for his mentoring role in the Rocky spin-off Creed (no offense, Expendables trilogy). The wave of Sly appreciation hit its zenith when the Globes crowd greeted his KO in the Best Supporting Actor race with a standing ovation. The actor appeared emotional accepting the award — maybe too emotional, as he forgot to thank Creed director Ryan Coogler and his co-stars (he returned to the stage to do so during a commercial break) — but he did end his speech by giving a special shout-out to his imaginary friend “Rocky Balboa.” Yo, Adrian!

HIGH: America Ferrera and Eva Longoria Know You Think They All Look Alike
It took a month, but America Ferrera got ultimate revenge on the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. On the morning that the Globes nominations were announced, the HFPA’s Twitter feed accidentally identified Ferrera as Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez. In response, Ferrera and Eva Longoria dedicated their gig as awards presenters to tweaking the HFPA for its goof-up. “Hi, I’m Eva Longoria, not Eva Mendes,” Longoria said. “And hi, I’m America Ferrera, not Gina Rodriguez,” Ferrera added, to much laughter. And together, they made sure to clarify that neither of them are Rosario Dawson. (Or Charo.)

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HIGH: Jason Statham Abuses His Director
Remind us to never write and direct a movie for Jason Statham. The action-turned-comedy star was presenting an award alongside his Spy boss Paul Feig and co-star Melissa McCarthy when (in a choreographed bit) he introduced himself not only as the actor who played the film’s lead, Susan Cooper (that would be McCarthy), but also as its writer-director. When Feig had the nerve to correct him, Statham went full Crank on him and put the lightweight filmmaker in a headlock. And it looked like it really hurt. Props to Feig for putting himself in harm’s way for our amusement.

Related: Golden Globes 2016: The Complete Winners List

LOW: So Much F&*%$ing Profanity
It’s unclear whether NBC is prudish or just really afraid of getting fined by the FCC, but its censor was not only very trigger-happy on the bleep button — and he or she held it down for way too long. When any halfway risqué word was bleeped, the whole sentence ended up getting blocked for the audience at home, meaning large parts of Ricky Gervais’ monologue — as well as speeches by Amy Schumer, Gael García Bernal, Jonah Hill, Jaimie Alexander, Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu, Mark Wahlberg, and Will Ferrell — went unheard by the audience at home. And by the way, celebs: If your bit is tanking, dropping a few f-bombs does not make it funnier. (Lookin’ at you, Jonah and Mark.)

Related: Ken Tucker Reviews the Golden Globes

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HIGH: Tom Hanks Brings Out Denzel Washington
Like his Bridge of Spies character James B. Donovan, Tom Hanks seemed to be nursing a nasty cold as he introduced his Philadelphia co-star Denzel Washington as recipient of the Cecil B. DeMille Award (the Globes’ lifetime achievement honor). But he brought his A-game to the stage. “A single name can define an artist who is a peer and equal with all of the greatest legends of our craft,” Hanks said. “If ‘Washington’ doesn’t ring out loud enough, then let the first name carry all the weight. And that name is… Denzel.”

LOW: Denzel’s Actual Speech
A powerhouse montage of Washington’s many iconic roles followed that great intro, and then came… a decidedly disappointing acceptance speech from the actor. Granted, the 61-year-old Oscar winner did confess to not being able to read his speech because he forgot his glasses. But typically, lifetime achievement honorees have something a little more substantial to say than thanking the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and listing a handful of agents, family members, etc. His wife, Pauletta Pearson (who also forgot her glasses and therefore could not help) was charming, though.

HIGH: Taraji’s 20-Years-in-the-Making Moment
The Emmys may have passed her over, but Globes voters knew that nothing would be sweeter than handing Taraji P. Henson a Best Actress victory for Fox’s hit Empire. And the actress made sure to remind the crowd of her namesake, passing out cookies on her way up to the stage. (Even Leo DiCaprio received one, which he clearly enjoyed far more than his brush with Lady Gaga.) And just like Cookie, Henson made it clear she wasn’t about to have her voice silenced by anyone, repeatedly defying the “wrap it up” music until she finished praising all of her Empire co-stars and collaborators. Sing it, sister.

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LOW: ‘Mozart’ Goes Two for Two
Let’s be clear, Amazon’s classical music world comedy Mozart in the Jungle is a perfectly entertaining show that’s worth a binge-watch when you run out of other shows to catch up on. But awarding it “Best Musical or Comedy Series,” “Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy Series” or “Best” anything is, to put it bluntly, crazypants. Especially when Amazon’s got a legitimately great and groundbreaking series, Transparent, and its star, Jeffrey Tambor, was nominated in the same categories. To paraphrase Bernal’s fellow nominee Rob Lowe in The Grinder, we object.

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HIGH: Two-Time Golden Globe Winner Jim Carrey Has a Dream
Jim Carrey doesn’t have to speak out of his butt-cheeks to get big laughs. The Ace Ventura star, wearing a thick salt-and-peppered beard, had some fun with his intro as “two-time Golden Globe winner” (for Man on the Moon and The Truman Show). “When I dream, I don’t just dream any dream,” Carrey said. “No, sir. I dream about being three-time Golden Globe-winning actor, Jim Carrey. Because then I would be enough.” It’s great to know Carrey has a sense of humor about the importance (or not) of awards, especially considering that, quite remarkably, he’s never been nominated for an Academy Award.

As for that whole Mel Gibson-Ricky Gervais moment? Neither high nor low, just, well, you be the judge.

Related: Complete Golden Globes coverage from Yahoo TV, Yahoo Movies, Yahoo Style and more