“The Golden Bachelor” recap: The sweetest “Women Tell All ”ever

With their heartwarming reunion, the women of The Golden Bachelor showed the kids how it's done.

For the first time in the history of the Bachelor franchise, contestants made it through an entire Women Tell All special without name-calling, shouting, annoying crosstalk, or blatant, attention-seeking efforts to be cast on Bachelor in Paradise.

Let's recap!

After a brief tease of the painful rose ceremony conclusion, host Jesse Palmer greets us in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome. "Welcome to the first-ever The Golden Bachelor: The Women Tell All!"

Rose lovers, can you believe it's been three years since ABC started seeking "seniors looking for love"? And now, at long last, we have a stage full of glamorous grandmas ready to tell all. Look at these queens!

As always, LOVE the bold colors, ladies. The crowd goes wild for Patty, Pamela, Marina, Christina, Natascha, Joan, Nancy, Edith, April, Kathy, Sandra, Susan, and Ellen — all of whom look fantastic. To start the night off on the right note, Sandra leads everyone, including the audience, in her patented Calming Mantra™.

"It works every time!" notes Palmer.

The trip down memory lane begins with night one. Susan reveals that her son was NOT happy about the naughty joke she made to Gerry about her high heels ("I'm very comfortable with six inches"). "If I'd known my son was going to be so upset with me, I probably wouldn't have said what I said," she tells Palmer. "I probably would have said eight inches instead of six."

When it comes to making out with a man on national television — knowing that her grandkids would be watching — April says that in retrospect, she maybe "pulled it in a little too much." But Nancy says her kids now see her as more than mom. "They see me as a single woman, someone who's ready for love," she explains. "They just have a refreshed perspective, I think."

From there, the conversation turns to one of the biggest controversies of the season.

April, bless her, has no regrets: "Desperate times call for desperate measures!" Some of the women did think the injury was real in the moment, but others — including Edith and Natascha — weren't buying it. Still, there are no hard feelings because this is the chillest WTA ever.

Even when Palmer does turn the conversation to some actual drama — Kathy vs. Theresa — the mood is genuinely remorseful and forgiving. Kathy can't even bear to watch the playback of her "zip it!" moment.

"People who know me know I'm a straight shooter," says Kathy.

"And the biggest heart in the world!" Susan interjects.

"Watching the show back, could I have been a little more delicate? Yes, absolutely," admits Kathy. "Maybe we both should have zipped it… I wholly wish everyone the best. To me, this show — yes, it's about love. But it's also about hope, and friendship, and what life offers all of us." Am I seriously feeling my eyes fill with happy tears while watching a Women Tell All? This show truly is a miracle.

Guess what, rose lovers? We're about 20 minutes in and the "drama between the women" segment is already over! BECAUSE THERE WAS BARELY ANY DRAMA! (Also, because Theresa wasn't there to discuss her side of #ZipItGate. But I choose to believe that she and Kathy have truly put it behind them.)

Instead, we're treated to some never-before-seen footage of Susan's struggle with gas. "I don't know what I ate," she tells Leslie. "But what's coming out of me is deadly." Faith reports that she saw Susan run to the front of the mansion and stick her behind out the front door to release some toxic fumes. When a clip plays of Susan blaming Edith's guacamole for her stinky GI distress, picture-in-picture Edith is NOT please.

Later that night at the cocktail party, Susan told Gerry she needed to speak to him about something "really, really serious."

THIS! SHOW! IS! INCREDIBLE! Normalize women farting at all ages and stages of life!

Of course, as we already know from the end credits scene we saw a few weeks ago, not everyone agreed that Edith's guac was the cause of Susan's tummy trouble. While Susan was curling Kathy's hair in the upstairs bathroom, Kathy wondered aloud whether the gas was a result of Susan's delicious (but possibly deadly) meatballs. A that moment, Nancy — displaying some flawless comedic timing — stuck her head through the window and announced, "It was definitely the meatballs!"

Back in the Thunderdome, Edith and Susan bicker playfully over their signature dishes — "It wasn't my guacamole, I know that!" "For 66 years I've been eating meatballs; it don't bother me!" — but it's clear that we'll never know which food was the real culprit. I guess some mysteries aren't meant to be solved, rose lovers.

Beyond GI issues, a recurring theme in tonight's discussion is hope. Marina, who I hope returns as a contestant for season 2 if she's still single next year, reminds the audience that "whether you're 22 or 102, we are women, we have power within us." And Susan says she's grateful to The Golden Bachelor for allowing her to show other senior women that "it's not over. Get back up!"

Little did Susan know, one of those senior women she inspired happens to be… Kris Jenner! Who just happens to star in The Kardashians on Hulu, which is owned by ABC's parent company, Disney! Palmer holds up his phone to share a video message from the kabillionaire momager.

"This has been the most amazing season I have watched in all these years, literally since Trista and Ryan… You guys have been such an inspiration for me and my family. We are obsessed with all of you — but for me, Susan, you are amazing! I love your style. I love the hair. You nailed it, doll!"

Awww, look at Susan! She's moved to tears by this message from her idol.

Side note: Do we think producers will give Matt James' mom, Patty, any airtime this episode? Place your bets now.

The first Hot Seat™ goes to Joan, the beautiful and soft-spoken blonde who had to leave the show early to help her daughter with her newborn. Ugh, her tearful goodbye with Gerry isn't easier to watch the second time. And it's hard for Joan, too, especially because she apparently didn't watch the episode when it aired. "I didn't see all of that about Gerry at the end there, crying like that," she tells Palmer. "I feel really bad that I did that to him."

Joan goes on to explain that she left because her daughter had a "really serious case of post-partum depression," and as a mom, she knew she had to be there. "I heard it in her voice," she adds. "I could not get on that plane fast enough." Still, she was devastated to leave Gerry early. "I think we had a good chance" of working out, she adds. "I held out hope for a little while, honestly, and I did think a couple of times, maybe I would come around the corner coming home from work, and he'd be sitting on my front porch."

Ooof, that's heartbreaking. Joan, I'm giving you the biggest virtual hug right now. Also, you are gorgeous and a total catch — I'm guessing you won't be single for long. Especially if she becomes the first-ever Golden Bachelorette. Man, we have so many deserving candidates. Speaking of which…

Ellen's on the Hot Seat™, everybody! She tears up watching the recap of her "journey," as do I. Saying goodbye to Gerry was "probably one of the most emotional and difficult times of my life," says Ellen. "I just saw an amazing life with him." That said, Ellen is grateful for her experience on the show, which reminded her that she is "worthy" of love and a fulfilling, happy life.

Oh boy, rose lovers. Now it's time to talk about Roberta, Ellen's best friend who was battling cancer and encouraged her to sign up for The Golden Bachelor. As we learned on night one, Roberta passed away before the series premiered. "I just wanted to make sure that I gave her the one wish that she wanted," says Ellen. "She just said, 'Please, Ellen, just go. Apply.'" When Ellen got back from filming the show, Roberta had slipped into a semi-coma state. "I knew that she was suffering. I knew that she was staying with me so we could share that," recalls Ellen. "I finally said to her, 'I don't want you to suffer anymore. I want you to go. It's okay. We're going to watch the show, just from different places, together.'"

Excuse me for a minute. I need to go sob into my pillow — and I think Palmer needs a cry break, too.

Aaand we're back. The host informs Ellen that there's someone in the audience who was particularly touched by her story: It's Roberta's daughter Courtney! Ellen rushes off the stage and wraps Courtney in a hug as the audience cheers and cries.

"Thank you from my family, from everyone, for showing us what true friendship, love, loyalty look like," Courtney tells Ellen. "You are beautiful inside and out. You were the best friend she could have ever asked for, and if anyone deserves to find love, it's you."

Fortunately, Palmer cuts to a commercial break after this, so we all have a chance to compose ourselves before the next segment. Please welcome the man of the (literal) hour because this show is only 60 minutes… Gerry!

The Golden Bachelor seems genuinely pleased to see all his former girlfriends. "I miss you all, every one of you," he says. "Every day, I'll have a flashback of something that happened with one of you. It was so great. I love 'em all!"

As he did with the women, the host asks Gerry what it was like kissing a bunch of different people on TV knowing that his grandkids were watching at home. "So, granddaughters be damned, I was having the fun time of my life," says Gerry. "When someone would lean in for a kiss… it's like, 'Yeah, I'm not gonna pass that up.'"

The women are equally pleased to be reunited with Gerry. Sandra tells him that he showed her that "finding a gentleman in our generation, it's not just possible, it's probable." Joan wants Gerry to know that she only wishes the best for him and that she's not giving up on her own chance to find love. Ellen thanks Gerry for giving her the "ability, the confidence, and the self-esteem to move on and find love." Gerry agrees that even though parts of his "journey" were hard, he and the women "have become more hopeful, we've become more optimistic. We've realized at our age, we're not invisible, that we have meaning, and that we have many things to offer. We made history together!"

Hell, yeah you did! And ABC better do it again with The Golden Bachelorette. (Seriously, why haven't they announced this yet? We all know it's going to happen. If it doesn't, Bachelor Nation will riot.)

Welp, it's finally time to learn the results of last week's rose ceremony. Who will get the final rose — Faith or Theresa? Let's return to the mansion where Gerry is currently having a panic attack. "I know what I want to do," he whispers to Palmer. "I just don't want to do it." At long last, he returns to the Rose Room and hands the final flower to…

Theresa! Wow. I truly could have seen it going either way. But alas, we must say goodbye to Faith, the singer-songwriter who loves horses, her life in the country, and a sweet, 72-year-old man named Gerry. The Golden Bachelor walks her outside so they can have one last conversation on the Bye-Bye Bench™, while picture-in-picture Faith watches from the Thunderdome.

"It's been a joy getting to know you," says Gerry. "And you have a good heart." Faith wishes him well, and they share a hug before she climbs into the Exit SUV. "Right now, I'm numb," she says, as the car pulls out of the mansion's driveway. "It's going to be a while before I figure it out — if I ever figure it out. Maybe it was just all in my own head, you know?... Maybe it's just not in the cards for me."

You stop that, Faith! You stop it right now! You are an intelligent, vibrant, gorgeous Glamma, and don't you forget it! (Seriously, who are they going to choose as the first Golden Bachelorette? There are so many good options!)

When the clip ends, everyone sits in sad silence for a minute. Then the women rally around their friend, calling out, "We love you, Faith!" Wiping away her tears, Faith says that watching her goodbye with Gerry was "gut-wrenching" because "for the past 20 years, I didn't really open myself up for love." Once she joined the show, Faith decided to go "all in" if she felt anything for the Golden Bachelor at all. Palmer says he, like most of Bachelor Nation, was "shocked" that she went home — but all Faith could think about in that moment was her family. "I thought, 'Oh my God, they're going to be so sad for me,'" she recalls. Is there a more mom response than that, rose lovers? Honestly, call your mom right now if you can.

You know what's coming next, folks:

Awww man, Gerry is already bawling when he walks out on stage to join Faith in the Hot Seat™. This man is so pure. Faith and Gerry hug each other, sobbing, for almost a full 30 seconds before taking a seat on the couch. It is BRUTAL to watch. Once they compose themselves, Faith informs Gerry that when he said goodbye to her, she felt like she was looking at a stranger. "I felt like that complete disconnect. That was the most devastating thing to me," she says. "The way we left each other was great, and then to just have it be… nothing."

Gerry assures Faith that their relationship was not, in fact, nothing. "Believe me, I have thought about that night and those moments where I told you that I loved you. And in those moments, I did, I genuinely loved you. I felt like I had built and created something along with you, only to destroy it in a brief moment."

Poor Faith starts crying again. After having her "walls up" for 30 years, Faith says being with Gerry was "the first time I had relaxed in somebody's arms and felt safe… You could have walked off with me right then and I would have been yours for the rest of your life."

Despite all the heartbreak she suffered, Faith thanks Gerry for proving to her that she can find love again. (In case you haven't noticed, that's one of tonight's recurring themes.) The Golden Bachelor explains that even though he had to choose one woman at the end of his journey, it doesn't mean that the other two were "any less wonderful or any less loveable."

But he also holds himself accountable for breaking his promise to Faith's family that he wouldn't break her heart. "That's so awful," he sobs. "I promised them that I would protect your heart, and I didn't do that… I am definitely a better person for meeting you." Faith assures him that she believes his heart is true, and she thinks her family feels that way, too. "It's been quite a journey, hasn't it?" asks Faith through her tears. "It's a beautiful thing."

They share another tearful hug as the segment ends. My God, producers, can we get some bloopers up in here to lighten the mood? I'm all cried out!

Ask, and we shall receive. Featuring dirty jokes ("I haven't seen this many wieners since college!"), terrifying critters (was that a honest-to-goodness TARANTULA???), a montage of Gerry saying "So…," and a moment where Susan accidentally flashed Kathy, the blooper reel was pretty solid. But nothing will top this:

The cheek lift! The duration (a full 7 seconds)! And the fact that she maintained unrepentant eye contact the entire time! Sandra, you are a hero to all of us who deal with GI issues.

The Women Tell All ends, as it always does, with a preview of the "epic" finale. Gerry, Leslie, and Theresa travel to Costa Rica for some romantic jungle adventures — horseback riding, waterfall rappelling, and Fantasy Suites. "People my age still knock boots," Gerry tells Palmer in the preview. Even more shocking than the use of the terms "knocking boots" is the clip where Gerry tells Leslie, "I think you're the one." (Oh man, would producers include that in the preview if those two ended up together? Discuss.) Of course, the preview also includes plenty of tears. "I took a good person and broke their heart," sobs Gerry. "The only time I ever felt worse is when my wife passed away, and this is a goddamn close second."

With that, we conclude another leg of our Golden Bachelor "journey." (And if you bet that Patty would get approximately zero airtime, feel free to redeem your chips at the cashier counter.) Were you surprised to see Faith go home? Who do you want to see as the Golden Bachelorette? And when was the last time you heard the term "knocking boots"? Let me know your thoughts on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin.

The Golden Bachelor airs Thursdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.

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