‘Godzilla x Kong’ is pure CGI chaos — and so much fun

Before seeing “Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire,” my nine-year-old daughter and I did our homework. We didn’t want to go into the newest Monsterverse movie unfamiliar with the lore.

Monsterverse, for the uninitiated, is Legendary Entertainment’s cinematic universe that revolves around Godzilla and King Kong. The Monsterverse explores the existence of ancient, giant monsters known as Titans and the secret organization called Monarch that studies and attempts to control them.

We gathered the family, even those who are less inclined to enjoy movies about giant monsters, and over the course of three weekends, we watched three of the movies that preceded “Godzilla x Kong” — “Godzilla” from 2014, “Kong: Skull Island” from 2017 and “Godzilla vs. Kong” from 2021. These movies were good, fine and ridiculous, respectively. By “Godzilla vs. Kong,” wherein Godzilla and King Kong team up to defeat Mechagodzilla, it was pretty clear the Monsterverse team had run out of ideas.

Yet, they went ahead and made another film. And I have to respect that, as someone who knows that the most insane ideas are usually born within a dearth of ideas. And indeed, “Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire” is one of the most unhinged pieces of media I’ve ever seen, and my daughter and I had the time of our lives watching it.

The movie is a surprise hit, having grossed more than $485 million on a budget of $135 million. The reviews have been less-than-enthusiastic, but I really don’t think anyone going to a sequel of a sequel of a sequel is expecting prestige. Three weeks after the movie’s opening, our theater was full. Together we all experienced what felt like a fever dream.

At the start of the film, Godzilla fights another Titan (a giant monster, one of many that now rule the Earth, apparently) in Rome and proceeds to take a nap in the middle of the Colosseum, curled up like a cat. Meanwhile, King Kong has a toothache. He uses a portal in Hollow Earth (the Earth is hollow, it turns out, and underneath the surface is a technicolor bizarre, subterranean world full of giant, dangerous creatures) to pop up on Earth’s surface so a Titan veterinarian named Trapper can pull his tooth using a helicopter.

Also, by the way, King Kong, who was previously believed to be the only remaining kind of his species, has stumbled onto a tribe of giant apes like himself led by a malicious balding orangutan with red fur. He looks like a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto with a face. Also part of the tribe is one single baby giant ape, but zero evidence of any female giant apes so I don’t understand how he got there.

Once it’s time for King Kong to return to Hollow Earth, he is followed through the portal by the Titan vet, a King Kong specialist, her adopted daughter who can communicate telepathically with Kong, and a guy who hosts a conspiracy podcast.

Meanwhile, Godzilla destroys a nuclear power plant in France to absorb the energy in preparation to battle a future threat, according to Monarch scientists.

Once in Hollow Earth, the ragtag bunch of humans stumbles upon a secret tribe, who, like the child with them, communicate telepathically. The child is one of them, obviously. Her adoptive mother takes one look at a wall of hieroglyphics on a wall in the tribe’s temple and perfectly understands what is about to happen — King Kong and Godzilla are going to have to team up to defeat the Cheeto monkey. And that’s where my ability to summarize the plot ends because the remaining hour is absolute CGI chaos.

And honestly, the plot could not matter less. All that matters are giant monsters fighting on a giant screen. There are A LOT of monster fighting sequences, and they all rule. At one point King Kong uses the baby giant ape as a weapon by waving him around like a lasso. The scientists give King Kong a robotic arm because they just happen to have one lying around. King Kong and Godzilla knock over some of the Pyramids of Giza. The triceratops-esque Titan that the monkey tribe has enslaved breathes ice, almost setting off a new ice age. But don’t worry — spoiler alert — Kong and Godzilla stop it. The scale of the monsters seems to vary from six feet to six stories, depending on the scene. Every line of dialogue spoken by the actors sounds like it was generated by the very first AI model. It’s absolute nonsense. And so much fun.

There’s no critical reading to be had here. Godzilla and King Kong are not symbolic of anything in broader culture. They are simply a giant lizard and a giant ape who are very good at fighting. And sometimes, I appreciate a movie that doesn’t ask anything of me, especially on a Friday night when I just want to take my kid to a movie and enjoy some popcorn in the glow of CGI madness.

“Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire” is rated PG-13 for violence.