25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (May 4-17)
Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Husband just called me and said “what I’m about to pitch is very expensive, BUT stay with me!” and I wish I could say this wasn’t a common greeting.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 4, 2021
Accidentally dominated a family game of Memory and now my wife would like to know why I have such a hard time remembering things.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 16, 2021
I'm not accusing my wife of picking a fight with me, but she wrote "toothpaste" on our grocery list without any specific details and we all know how this story ends.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 13, 2021
My husband be like: “hey, honey, come here and fall in love with this absolutely gorgeous house we’ll never ever be able to afford.”
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) May 5, 2021
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) May 11, 2021
Wife [walking into room]: OMG HAVE YOU BEEN FARTING IN HERE?!
Me: I feel like you already know the answer to this.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 15, 2021
Asked my husband to bring me my phone and he brought it *with the charger* and I now know the meaning of true love.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) May 14, 2021
I sleep on the couch when my wife has early morning work calls.
This morning I found out that some of those calls were her wanting to sleep on the whole bed, without someone snoring or stealing her blanket— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 4, 2021
Husband: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
Husband: *sneezes again*
Me: I can’t live like this.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 11, 2021
Marriage is all about looking busier than your spouse so that they have to do the chore instead of you.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) May 15, 2021
Grocery shopping with my wife is just her repeatedly telling me I don't need that.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 11, 2021
My husband told me to dress nice because he was going to take me somewhere really expensive.
I swear to God, if it’s the Lowe’s lumber aisle, it’s over.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 6, 2021
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 11, 2021
Husband and the were discussing what we would do if we were suddenly incredibly wealthy. That answer is definitely indoor lazy river.
— Anti-bodies Betty (@EzMacArt) May 6, 2021
My wife: if you could have any superpower what would it be?
Me: understanding how commas work
My wife: that’s not a super—you know what? Never mind— lucy bexley 🛼🪐🦔 (@bexley_lucy) May 13, 2021
*winks at security camera as I grab tampons off the shelf for my wife*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) May 13, 2021
Me, relaxing next to husband: “I’m lucky to be married to such an amazing guy.”
Also me, as I listen to husband eat popcorn in bed: “I SWEAR TO GOD IF THIS BARBARIAN KEEPS CHEWING LIKE A DAMN COW-“— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 15, 2021
my wife and I have been reviewing our finances and determined we need a sugar daddy
— Josh Lacks Panache (@Tryptofantastic) May 8, 2021
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent pretending to clean.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) May 12, 2021
We have reached the point where my wife is buying Tupperware to store more Tupperware.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 12, 2021
I’m a very generous person. I even give my husband some of the French fries that he ordered for himself.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 13, 2021
I don't know why, but sometimes, I look into my husband's eyes and am instantly reminded of something on my to-do list.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) May 7, 2021
A benefit of being married is you discover you've been dressing wrong your entire life.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 14, 2021
My husband suddenly gasped at 2:00 am and whispered “the word retired has ‘tired’ in it” and then he fell right back to sleep and I’m pretty sure he has no memory of this.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 4, 2021
It's Friday night and my wife is out of town.
You know what that means.
I can fall asleep by 9 p.m. without anyone making fun of me.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2021
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost and has been updated.
