First Look at Cassidy Hutchinson's Memoir: Trump Whistleblower Details Life After Jan. 6 Testimony (Exclusive)

"There is something freeing and liberating in having the confidence to stand in your own truth," Hutchinson says about writing her new memoir, which covers her quick rise in politics — and what happened after she risked it all

To most of the world, Cassidy Hutchinson's story begins and ends on June 28, 2022, when she stood before the House committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot and testified about shocking behavior she witnessed as an aide in President Donald Trump's White House.

While the televised testimony was an inflection point in Hutchinson's journey, it's part of a much larger, more personal saga that began years prior and continues to this day. Hutchinson pulls back the curtain in a new memoir, Enough, publishing Sept. 26.

"I want people to know that I didn't just arrive at that moment of testifying," Hutchinson tells PEOPLE. "It was hard in a lot of ways to get to that place. And it was hard afterward too."

Related: Cassidy Hutchinson, Facing Security Threats, Knew Life Would Change If She Testified Against Donald Trump

Hutchinson was a loyal staffer in the Trump administration, quickly rising the ranks until, at 25, she was handpicked by incoming chief of staff Mark Meadows to serve as his right hand. "I didn't agree with everything the administration was doing, but I saw it as an opportunity to serve my country and to serve the president," Hutchinson says.

Cautiously optimistic about Meadows' offer, she left her post in the Office of Legislative Affairs, where she had been an effective White House liaison to members of Congress.

With close proximity to the president and his inner circle during the 2020 reelection campaign — often traveling alongside Meadows and Trump, and seeing the trail of people entering and leaving the Oval Office — Hutchinson says she was clued in on the happenings of the administration, and in many cases, was involved in helping Meadows plan and execute significant events and meetings.

Related: Cassidy Hutchinson Testified That Trump's Chief of Staff Burned Documents in Final Weeks of Administration

"There were a lot of moments, especially during the campaign season and in the post-election period, where I began to question what we were doing and whether or not it aligned with my perception of what I wanted my public service to be," she says, adding that when Trump's supporters stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021 — a moment she believes "was single-handedly the most destructive force that our democracy has faced in modern times, if not in American history" — all of the small red flags became a big realization.

"Throughout my service in the Trump administration, I had lost this piece of myself," she can now say. "The circle of people I was surrounded with wasn't really a circle, it was a cage. I was locked in the cage of this ideological mindset, and every time I tried to break free of the cage, I found myself coming back into it."

In the investigations that followed after Trump left office, Hutchinson had a difficult choice to make: defend the administration that she'd once given her all to support, or follow her conscience. "It was a year and a half of this moral tug of war inside of me, because on one hand I knew how fervently I disagreed with everything that happened that day — and I knew that I was complicit," she explains.

On the advice of a Trump-affiliated lawyer, Hutchinson claims, she falsely testified that she didn't recall many things that happened in the White House — but she says the guilt of lying under oath to protect people whose actions she didn't agree with ate at her, and she wanted to make it right.

"I knew from the moment that I decided that I wanted and needed to come forward with the information that I had, that it would take a toll on my career," she adds. "But it was a small price to pay in exchange for living the rest of my life in this aura of dishonesty and inauthenticity."

Related: Trump Attorney Allegedly Told Cassidy Hutchinson to Give Misleading Testimony to Jan. 6 Committee

Hutchinson sought new counsel with no strings attached and had a second chance to testify on her own terms, telling the House select committee investigating the Capitol riot that Trump knew there were armed supporters in Washington on Jan. 6 and that he urged them on anyway, and that the president physically assaulted a Secret Service agent when his request to meet his supporters at the Capitol was denied.

"All I did was come forward and tell the truth," she says, "and I believe that everybody who was subpoenaed should have done that."

Soon, she would be sharing that testimony — colored in with several other details about her time in the Trump administration — with the nation in a live hearing watched by millions of Americans.

"It's important for my readers to be able to understand that I know I didn't always handle everything correctly," she says. "I'm not proud of a lot of the decisions that I made, but being able to admit that to myself is what led me to being able to make that decision to come forward and testify."

Related: Assaulting Secret Service, Throwing Ketchup on Walls: The Biggest Bombshells from Tuesday's Jan. 6 Hearing

Hutchinson's testimony made her a polarizing public figure overnight, halting her career prospects and forcing her to isolate in a Washington, D.C. hotel before retreating to Atlanta for a while out of safety concerns. More than a year later, though, she's back in the nation's capital — and while she doesn't see herself immediately jumping back into politics, she's happy to be home.

"I don't view it as a loss. I truly view it as gaining a sense of freedom," she says of the fallout that came after speaking out against the Trump administration.

"I stand by everything I testified to, and I stand by everything that's in the book. There is something freeing and liberating in having the confidence to stand in your own truth."

Below, an exclusive excerpt from Enough, in which Hutchinson details the days immediately before and after her life-altering testimony.

Cassidy has been asked by the Jan. 6 House committee to testify live about what she witnessed in Trump’s White House. Terrified, and with only a few days’ notice, she gets in her car and drives to her family's home in New Jersey — she’s not ready to become a household name.

On Thursday night, I pull up to my parents’ house for what I know will be my last visit for a long while. I have one weekend left to enjoy my anonymity, but I don’t want to be alone. For one more night, I want to pretend that everything is alright.

On Friday morning, I go to my favorite local bagel shop and get an Asiago bagel with olive cream cheese, my regular order since I was a child. I bring it home and wash it down with a Nestlé Nesquik chocolate milk, another childhood favorite. I spend the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon lying in the sun in my parents’ backyard. I coat myself in baby oil to get a deep tan. I’m a Jersey girl. I don’t normally burn, but I do that day, and now I have another worry, that I’m going to look like a lobster at the hearing.

My mom gets home from work, and that evening we go to Target where we pick through a pile of T-shirts. Unprompted, I say, “Oh, by the way, I’m testifying next week.”

“Another deposition?”

“No,” I say. “Live. On TV.”

“What? Cass, are you okay? Do you have something to wear?”

I laugh. “Nope. But I’ll figure it out. It’s not going to be a big deal. Can we please not talk about it?”

“Oh my God,” she says, winding herself up. “What are you going to say? What don’t I know?”

Everything, I think, literally everything. “Drop it, please. I don’t have any more information right now.”

The committee hasn’t announced my hearing yet because of security concerns, which I do not tell Mom. If she knows that, she won’t ever let the subject drop.

“I wish you could stay longer,” [my step-dad] Paul says as he wraps me in a bear hug Saturday morning. “I’ll try to come home soon,” I tell him. But I know that’s not true. I know that won’t be an option for a while. I merge onto the interstate. When will I see my parents again?

I stop at Zara in the Cherry Hill Mall in New Jersey. I’m worried about my clothes for the hearing. I want to look professional and demure. I don’t want to wear anything distracting or anything that would attract commentary, positive or negative. I have only a few hundred dollars in my checking account, so whatever I purchase will have to be at a discount. I see a white blazer on sale. It feels bold and I’m not confident I will wear it, but I buy it in the event I can’t find anything in my wardrobe more suitable.

Related: Cassidy Hutchinson's Full Bombshell Testimony Released: 'They Will Ruin My Life, Mom'

Days later, more than 13 million Americans tuned in live to watch Cassidy — wearing her instantly famous white blazer — deliver shocking testimony about President Trump’s actions surrounding the deadly Jan. 6 Capitol riot. For her safety, she goes into hiding after the hearing.

It’s a strange four days, alternately boring, fretful, and unreal. Quarantined in my hotel room, I feel disoriented, like I have just gotten off a boat after weeks at sea. My world is still rocking as I try to find my footing.

We haven’t planned how long I’ll stay in [the hotel] or where I will go next. [My lawyers] Bill, Jody, and I are of the same mind—that it isn’t safe for me, physically, emotionally, or politically, to be seen or heard in public or to risk going to my apartment. There have been security threats, they warn, although I don’t know the specifics. I don’t want to know.

The scene is worse at my parents’ house. News vans are parked in front of their home, cameras positioned to catch a glimpse of someone inside. Mom and Paul are staying home from work. They feel safer that way.

Some of the time, I feel I’ve lost control of my life, and I have a hard time imagining when and how I’ll be in control of it again. The pushback from Trump defenders is picking up speed, the attacks led by Trump himself, whose insults are getting cruder. I tried to mentally prepare for breaking with Trump World. I know how they curate vile attacks on their detractors. I was once part of that process.

We released a statement after the hearing: “Ms. Hutchinson believes that January 6 was a horrific day for the country, and it is vital to the future of our democracy that it not be repeated.”

Related: Rep. Liz Cheney Says She's 'Absolutely Confident' in Cassidy Hutchinson's Credibility amid Scrutiny

With Trump running for reelection in 2024, Hutchinson — who has spent much of the past year writing her book — remains a public enemy to him and his supporters.

Trump continues to hurl insults in my direction. I learn how it feels to be on the other side. But I know enough not to react. That’s what he wants me to do. He wants me to be defensive. He wants to know when he’s hurt someone or gotten a rise out of them; he wants to project his hurt onto the source of it. Trump doesn’t care if you dispute him or call him a liar. Only silence bothers him. Being ignored drives him mad.

I recognize the handiwork of some friends and colleagues who are amplifying Trump’s attacks anonymously. They try to impeach my testimony by impugning my character. I’d had my share of detractors among my White House colleagues who resented the authority Mark gave me. They derisively referred to me as “Chief Cassidy,” which finds its way into a Washington Post story. But it isn’t only my detractors who are busy. I know that people who had been my friends are trashing my reputation, too. I shouldn’t let it bother me, but I do. They were my friends. But their abuse is a reflection of their character, not mine, celebrated in the world they are a part of, the world where I had felt I belonged but now know I do not. I escaped before it was too late.

From ENOUGH by Cassidy Hutchinson. Copyright © 2023 by Cassidy Hutchinson. Reprinted by permission of Simon & Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved.

Hutchinson will give her first broadcast interview about the book on CBS Sunday Morning on Sunday, Sept. 24.

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