‘Twas the morning of Christmas, and all through L.A.
The stars detoxed and yoga’d to start off the day.
The whole town was buzzing with holiday cheer,
Waiting to open presents and toast the New Year.
Santa checked his list twice, both the nice and the naughty,
Making sure his roster wasn’t sloppy or spotty.
He worked hard to put each person in the right group,
To determine who’d get swanky presents from Goop.
You know who’s good as hell? Why, that Lizzo, of course!
We belted along to “Juice” ‘til we were hoarse.
But making the naughty list, without question,
Are the jerks who inspired her saddest expressions.
This may make you mad, but please do hear us out:
Both Marvel and Marty are nice, without doubt!
On the naughty side of that conflict, however,
Are the tweeters who’d have us debate it forever.
The whole country’s a strip club, as J.Lo has taught us
In one of the class-obsessed films this year brought us.
But naughtier than either half of that pairing
Is a broken system about hoarding, not sharing.
As we look back — goodness! That 2019
Was a year quite unlike any other we’ve seen.
But before a new decade, it’s time to review
Who’s been nice these 12 months (and the naughty ones, too)!
- Fleabag and Hot Priest
- Well-timed farewells
- Martin Scorsese and Marvel!
- Films about class struggle
- The March sisters, warming our hearts yet again
- Half the characters in Us (TBD which half…)
- The parents embroiled a legal battle in Marriage Story
- Baby Yoda
- “Sorry to this man”
- Also Fleabag and Hot Priest!
- Trolls who demand their own endings
- Men who are great ‘til they gotta be great
- Everyone fanning the flames between Martin Scorsese and Marvel
- A system inspiring films about class struggle
- The Jonas Brothers, stealing our hearts yet again!
- The other half of the characters in Us
- The parents embroiled a legal battle in the college admissions scandal
- Uh, Cats
- This man, to whom we are sorry