'Empire' Season Finale Recap: Cookie vs. Public Enemy

In this here year 2015 we are all television critics. All of us! The Internet, once a worldwide watercooler, is now the forum in which several billion television critics speak of TV shows like educated experts. We understand and regularly use jargon like “hiatuses” and “arcs” and “act breaks” and “character development.” In simpler times we simply watched and enjoyed TV shows while praying they didn’t get canceled; now we analyze their ratings like learned statisticians. In our quest for expertise — and more importantly, bold opinions! — it can be easy to forget to have fun. Then a show like Empire comes along and slaps the math out of our mouths and drags us back into our pleasure centers. Empire is great and special in ways few TV shows are ever allowed to be in this golden era of alleged “prestige.”

But back to our incessant need to break down a television show to its essential parts: A first season needs to do a lot of things in order to cement its status as a hit, and sticking its landing is by far the most important. Where pilots have a bit of leeway in establishing worlds — as experts we all know that most pilots aren’t great — the finale should be irrefutable proof that the writers knew what they were doing the entire time, and it should further convince us that this is a journey we should be taking for many more years down the road. Most of all, a season finale should be shocking and entertaining enough to instill in us memories to captivate for the many months we’ll endure without new episodes.

Related: ‘Empire’ Season Finale Review

Empire nailed its landing. Yes, it can be argued that it nailed its landing not unlike a broken-ankled Kerri Strug — flawed but triumphant — but that makes we the viewers the mustachioed Bela Karolyi in this scenario, just scooping up this show and bear-hugging it triumphantly. In this week’s 2-hour finale (really actually two episodes aired back-to-back), some ludicrous, unjustified, and outright dumb things happened. But those problems stemmed from Empire’s wish and desire to blow us away. It’s truly hard to look at next-level gymnastics like these and be anything less than grateful. So good. Let’s talk about it!

We began with Lucious at his piano, preparing for his upcoming pre-death funeral concert.

Unfortunately his hands couldn’t stop shaking and a particularly beautiful Cookie flashback wig didn’t help matters.

For her part, Cookie was out in the Berkshires re-enacting The Bodyguard with Derek Luke. As you might have expected, she wore a fur pashmina with a blue fur collar, and as you might have expected, they had sex on a bear skin rug.

At this point the world’s scientists gathered for another global warming summit because THAT’s how hot this scene was. Cookie melted the Berkshires, basically.

Back at Empire, superstar musical guests were beginning to gather to promote Lucious’s show, so the next thing we knew Stevie Wonder was up on stage doing his thing.

But then Hakeem took the stage and I guess he was still all sore about Naomi Campbell getting sent back to London, so he took the opportunity to freestyle rap about how much he hated his dad. It was very rude in my opinion!

Luckily Lucious kept a level head about it, just kidding, he punched Hakeem in the face!!

Oh, these two!

It should go without saying that at this point Hakeem was pretty steamed, so he pretty much announced he was leaving Empire Records.

Lucious’s day was not going great in general. At this point Porsha let slip that Cookie was out in the Berkshires doing tons of sex to Derek Luke, and I am telling you the camera did one of those zoom out/dolly ins on his face while soulful gospel music played. Lucious was DEVASTATED.

When Cookie and her sister finally arrived back at the office (wearing amazing furs, obviously), Cookie’s key card didn’t work. Then security goons confiscated it and Lucious arrived to tell Cookie she was f—king FIRED, man. Now obviously you and I are not corporate executives (anymore), but something tells me that firing Cookie is an Enron-level mistake. Just don’t do it.

Andre’s bipolar flare-up seemed to be over, but he was still walking around making weird decisions. For example, he walked away from Empire in order to devote his life to the church where Jennifer Hudson screams into a microphone. You do you, Andre.

Because Lucious was basically bouncing between his sons like a pinball, he rolled on over to the son who currently despised him least. That meant he interrupted Jamal’s record release party to bond with him finally!

During their bonding sesh, Jamal took Lucious back to his childhood home where Jamal flashed back to the time he was literally thrown in the trash, and also the time Lucious shot a man in the face and the man’s head sprayed blood back on him like a fire hose? Unpleasant memories, basically.

But Lucious needed to write new material for his concert (Billy Beretti got a judge to bar Lucious from playing older songs) and Jamal was the right guy to help break his writer’s block.

Next thing we knew Lucious was strumming a guitar and Jamal was jamming on a keyboard and they were absolutely screaming in each others’ faces for minutes on end. It was truly beautiful and powerful stuff. But the main thing to take away was that Lucious needed Jamal to step up and take over Empire, and to do that Jamal would need to get his hands dirty.

So that’s when Empire finally, FINALLY got its Suge Knight moment. How had it taken this long for someone to get dangled out a window? (Critic’s Corner™: Jamal’s turn to the dark side was probably the finale’s least-good aspect. Come on, after a full season of enduring tons of bad treatment, he was not going to become a fearsome power-hungry brute this quickly, not buying it sorry.)

THIS was amazing:

YUP. Hakeem and Anika were sexin’ it up at Billy Beretti’s house just when Lucious walked in! Amazing, right? This show.

Then another huge thing happened: Lucious’s personal doctor informed him that he didn’t have ALS after all! That’s right, he had some other, very minor disease and he was not dying. It’s no wonder he giggled like a ticklish Girl Scout. This changed everything!

But the episode wasn’t done yet. First, Andre made the mistake of getting all relidge on his dad, even telling him that when Lucious died, he’d “send a prayer down to him in a flame-proof jar.” Yes, that may have been the burn of the century, but it also made Lucious decide to recruit Jennifer Hudson onto his label for corruptive purposes!

Not cool, dad.

The first hour’s shocking final scene had to do with Lucious’s new medication, which was apparently so strong he could sleep through Cookie’s bedside rantings.

But more importantly, it caused him to divulge all his murder-secrets! (Did the doctor prescribe truth-serum or something? Nevermind, same thing happens to me when I’m on ZzzQuil.)

Yep, at this point Empire was visited by its first ever ghost of regret! Oh, Bunkie. But yeah, Cookie now knew that Lucious had killed her cousin and she was NOT happy about it.

Oh, by the way, Jamal and his boyfriend christened Lucious’s desk with a shirtless hug. Don’t ALL future CEO’s do that?

And then this happened:

Yup, an angry and emotional Cookie decided to put Lucious out of his misery! Except, relax, he’s the star and we weren’t technically even in the season finale yet. The next episode picked up right after that and it was clear she hadn’t gone through with it. Still though, Empire deserves points for audacity for that one.

The opening scene of the final hour was pretty amazing. It was the day before the IPO and Lucious presented his family with immaculately wrapped gifts, which they each received while playing back all their worst memories of their father in their respective heads. (P.S. Don’t you love how TV gifts are wrapped in two parts so that nobody has to tear any wrapping paper?) At this point I was PRAYING that the gift boxes were empty, just like that notorious gift scene from Revenge. But alas, they had actual gifts inside.

He gave Hakeem some weird, gigantic airplane necklace and he gave Andre this bizarre craft project:

Jamal got the only gift worth anything, a damn SCEPTOR. Because this was how Lucious had decided to inform everyone that Jamal was inheriting his position. (Lucious also mentioned that he no longer had ALS, which got a mixed reaction from the crowd.)

Then Cookie arrived and opened her gift and it was HILARIOUS:

Damn. In a quick flashback we saw that before she’d even placed the pillow on his face he woke up and grabbed her wrist. Not so fast, Cookie. Anyway, this was an awkward gift to be honest. Nobody needs a tiny pillow, except for maybe the tiny lady from American Horror Story: Freak Show, and no, this is not the last time I will be bringing up American Horror Story: Freak Show in this recap.

Rita Ora came out to rehearse for Lucious’s tribute show, which was now a “comeback” show in his opinion.

At this point Lucious decided to out Cookie as an attempted murderess by showing footage from the security camera that he’d trained on his bed at some point (kinky!). At this point Cookie pleaded to Jamal that she’d only done it because Lucious had murdered Bunkie, but Jamal seemed torn about it all.

Then Cookie got thrown out and to add insult to injury, the digital billboard outside the building removed her name from Lucious’s tribute show. How rude!

And it’s not like this helped:

Ugh, you again.

But don’t worry, Cookie was not interested in testifying against Lucious for Bunkie’s murder. Not gonna happen. She might be pretty ticked at her ex-husband for his deeds, but Cookie is no snitch.

Anika and Hakeem were still plotting and holy moly are they great together. I love that he had to get his bicep curls in while they were scheming. I also loved his, what were they, Ed Hardy ninja cargo gym shorts? Anyway, Hakeem is my second favorite character officially now. It’s done. Cookie and Hakeem are my personal Empire.

It’s not truly a great series unless Patti LaBelle is on it, as American Horror Story: Freak Show proved earlier this year. And although Becky stated, perhaps facetiously, that her mom is white, I am holding out hope that her mom is actually Patti LaBelle, just as Gabourey Sidibe’s was in Freak Show. Also in real life? Guys, is there a chance at all that Patti LaBelle is Gabourey Sidibe’s mom for real? Don’t answer that, just daydream it with me.

Anyway, this random press conference was interrupted by someone named Black Rambo, who objected to Empire being run by a homosexual in the future. Jamal was real hurt and Lucious looked like he wanted to cuss Black Rambo OUT.

Then Rhonda left Andre for spiritually cheating on him with Jennifer Hudson. But don’t worry about Rhonda, she’s going to go stay in Gina’s guest room. (Rhonda didn’t specify whether this was a sexual innuendo or not, but I’m going with yes.)

Ladies and gentlemen… And then THIS happened:

And this:

I mean, what is there even to say about this epic tussle except HOW did it take this long? (Critic’s Corner™: So, I am definitely not one to look down my nose at a ladyfight, but did this feel kinda forced and tacked on to you? It was as though the writers were like, “Oh snap, we forgot to have these two fight and it’s already the finale!” You know? It came out of nowhere and was suddenly super brutal, but then twelve seconds later Cookie and Anika were allies plotting a hostile takeover of Empire together. Definitely awesome, but also jarring.)

Then Jamal won a rap battle against Black Rambo by using a high-pitched falsetto about being gay and proud, the kind of high-pitched falsetto about being gay and proud that wins rap battles. It probably helped that Black Rambo raps like Shaggy after a dentist appointment, or maybe crowds just love it when a gay man calls a straight man a “bitch.” Who knows? But Jamal was a tough-guy now and he had won back respect for his leadership probably! Take that, Black Rambo.

Back to what I was saying… Andre and Hakeem and Cookie and Anika were now actively united against Lucious, so they decided to team up with a billionaire and do a hostile takeover of Empire Records. In exchange for the billionaire’s purchase of tons of shares of the company, they had to agree to sign his horrible-rapper grandson. Here’s Cookie’s review of the kid’s flow:

At least the meeting was catered.

Too bad Cookie was NOT in the mood for chicken at this point in time.

Meanwhile Vernon (was that his name? I can’t/won’t look it up.) arrived at Andre’s looking to bury the hatchet, but within seconds they were having an all-male catfight and the only thing getting buried was one of Rhonda’s statuettes in Vernon’s dome!

Tragically, the carpet became very ruined. Also Vernon died. And Rhonda’s pregnant, which was why they were going to have to cover up the murder. Or something? Guys, it’s been a long night and it’s hard to stay awake when Andre’s onscreen. Anyway, they had really done it this time.

That being said, Andre did look like a cool dude in his sunglasses at the opening of the Stock Exchange the next morning. (Which, hey, it was on March 18 the same day the finale aired! That is some next-level, real-time magic this show’s operating on.) So finally, FINALLY Empire was a publicly traded company. Guys, it happened. We did it.

Which meant it was also finally time for the concert! Jamal came out wearing the kind of doo-rag that Lucious used to wear, and then Jennifer Hudson came out and screamed at everyone. Rita Ora did not come out and scream at everyone, because when Cookie got fired she backed out of the concert out of solidarity. This was especially poignant because in real life Rita Ora wouldn’t even back out of a tar pit so long as more than ten people were gathered there.

But hold up: Lucious’s “comeback” show was suddenly ruined when THE FEDS busted in backstage and arrested him for Bunkie’s murder!

BUT WHO was their star witness? He (and Jamal) immediately assumed that Cookie had snitched, but she pleaded with them that she hadn’t. That’s when Andre overheard the Feds indicate that Vernon had been the snitch and without his testimony Lucious would go free. WHOOPSIE.

(Also please note the above screengrab… If I’m not mistaken that was the only time we ever saw Tiana, just eating craft services in the background. Stay strong, girl!)

And that left us with this final image: Lucious in a very similar looking prison to the one Cookie was held in, yammering threateningly about how it was “game time, bitches.” Perfect! I agree that it is indeed game time!

As a self-encapsulated story, this season was a stunner. From beginning to end, from Cookie and Lucious switching places to Jamal’s underdog journey (his final stage performance intercut with his childhood drag footage was a masterstroke), it all felt not only very satisfying but left me antsy about what Season 2 has in store. I’m sliiiightly terrified that an elongated Season 2 will contain too much wheel-spinning and have an over-reliance on famous guest stars, but what a silly thing to worry about. We’re here to talk about Empire’s fantastically entertaining finale and smashingly successful first season. With something this ambitious and overtly fun we pretty much have to forgive it its excesses. When you spend the season raising the bar, it’s that much harder to go over the top. But Empire did it. Solid gold. Congratulations, everybody.

What did YOU think about Empire’s season finale?