Vanderpump Rules reunion recap: Penis envy
It feels appropriate that Game of Thrones would end hours before the final Vanderpump Rules reunion. First off, Stassi and Ariana LOVE that show.
Second, there was a lot of emasculating penis talk on the Rules reunion much like GOT.
Rules kinda went out with a whimper (also kinda like GOT depending on your finale feelings) with not a ton of drama and only a few tears. Here are the highlights:
Lisa goes to comfort James after he storms off when Kristen goes in on his family.
Schwartz now admits he put all the blame on Sandoval for inviting James to Mexico.
James admits he became an “international DJ” by performing in Mexico with the gang last season. [Eye roll]
“I love my d—!” Schwartz discussing his manhood.
There’s a lovely discussion of what a “classic d—” means and then Katie refers to Schwartz’s as “average.”
Stassi reveals that she actually found text messages that Patrick cheated on her.
Kristen and Beau were in an “independent film” together which feels like code for porn but all they did was kiss. And that’s how Stassi met Beau.
Katie thinks Stassi’s “dark passenger” and “Tequila Katie” should be friends. Maybe a CBS sitcom?!
Carter not paying for things is the main reason why he and Kristen finally broke up. But she says if she’d ever marry someone, it would still be Carter. Mmmmkaaaaay.
She and Carter are still living together though after their dog got attacked by a pit bull. They don’t sleep in the same bed but they’ve had sex twice. Romance is alive in WeHo!
Everyone had Montezuma’s Revenge in Mexico or, as Jax puts it, “severe anal leakage.”
Kristen admits she still thinks that Sandoval and Ariana did something while she and Sandoval were together but doesn’t care because she’s so happy for them.
Lala has now been invited to be one of Brittany’s bridesmaids. Clearly that trip she gifted Brittany and Jax on Randall’s PJ worked!
One of Jax’s lies was that he was in a Chanel ad.
Jax still claims that he lived with Channing Tatum in a “model apartment.” Brittany pleads with Channing to confirm.
Jax was honored that Lisa compared him to Ken but didn’t understand that it was not actually a compliment.
Ethan, the model that Scheana went out with and enraged Adam, met Scheana at Watch What Happens Live in L.A. He was fanning Nene Leakes!!
Scheana also revealed that Adam has since, um, taken the elevator to her lower level so to speak.
Jax considers himself not to have a mother at the moment. Brittany pleads for his mom to call her son.
Schwartz wraps up the reunion with a message for the haters: “My wife is beautiful and sexy. Suck my classic d—!” Very apropos.
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