Dr. I.M. Nutz reveals the truth about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce | Sam Venable

Just when you think conspiracy theorists couldn’t dig so much as an inch deeper into the rabbit hole of lunacy, they grab a shovel and prove you wrong.

Their latest excavation is based on the notion that a popular singer can control not only the outcome of professional football games, but also a U.S. presidential election.

By now, you’ve surely heard about how the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce romance is a Deep State operation to steer President Joe Biden’s reelection in November. Trying to follow the intricacies of this plot will make your head hurt, but let’s draw a breath and see if we can hit the highlights:

Swift, a billionaire entertainer, and Kelce, a millionaire tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, were specifically chosen by the Deep State to become an item. As their relationship grew, the Deep State then programmed playoff teams to lose to Kansas City so the Chiefs would win a berth in Super Bowl LVIII. At halftime of Sunday's game in Las Vegas, Kelce will abandon his coaches and teammates in the locker room and join Swift on the field where she will endorse Biden, thus returning him to the White House. Or something like that.

Just to be on the safe side, however, I contacted Dr. I.M. Nutz, KMS, (Knower of Much Stuff), to review my assessment. Dr. Nutz is the official shrink of Tin Hats Inc., the world’s foremost conspiracy organization. According to him, this isn’t your run-of-the-mill whacko plan.

“Not by a long shot,” Doc Nutz declared. “It’s one-hunnert percent true, unadulterated fact that will stand up in any courtroom that ain’t been overtook by comma’nisses and the Deep State. Hard to find a courtroom like that these days, but that don’t stop us from tryin’.”

“Do you have any evidence?” I asked.

“Evidence?!” he spat. “We got tons of evidence! Soon as we get a judge who ain’t been groomed by comma’nisses and the Deep State, we’re gonna reveal ever’thing.”

“Could you share a bit of it with me?”

“I ought not to, but you look safe enough to trust,” he whispered. “It’s all in code. Just feed the letters ‘t, a, y, l, o, r, s, w, i, f, t/t, r, a, v, i, s, k, e, l, c, e’ into a computer, and you’ll see what it really means: ‘flirt was a toy/elect risk v’.”

“Huh? This explains everything?”

“Absolutely! Plain as the nose on your face!”

“If you say so,” I sighed. “Those letters do form real words, even if they don’t make sense. But what’s that ‘v’ doing by itself at the end?”

“You idjit!” he thundered. “The ‘v’ shows this warnin’ came from Vivek, our top investigator. Lord, you’re dense! But I done told you enough. I got work to do, so bye.”

With that, Doc Nutz grabbed his shovel and bolted out the door.

Sam Venable’s column appears every Sunday. Contact him at sam.venable@outlook.com.

This article originally appeared on Knoxville News Sentinel: Sam Venable: Dr. I.M. Nutz, KMS, reveals the truth about Swift, Kelce