Divorce Etiquette Expert Weighs in on the Dos and Don'ts of Breaking Up amid Numerous Celebrity Splits
As several celebrity breakups dominate the headlines, an expert tells PEOPLE the best ways to conduct yourself during a divorce
Between Kevin and Christine Costner, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, and Ariana Grande and Dalton Gomez, it's been the summer of celeb splits.
But it's not just the rich and famous who go through the pain of pulling the plug on their marriages — researchers estimate that over 40% of all marriages will also end in divorce, according to divorce.com.
As certain celebrity divorces play out in the media, divorce journalist Ilyssa Panitz tells PEOPLE there are some do's and dont's that anyone going through a split should heed — regardless of their fame or fortune.
Stay off social media
"Never take to social media to express how you feel," says Panitz, who writes a divorce column and also hosts the radio show and podcast The Divorce Hour with Ilyssa Panitz. She says couples should avoid airing their grievances about each other online, not only because it could hurt the kids — if there are any — but also because it can actually be used against you.
"In a contentious divorce, anything can be used against you once you go to court," Panitz says. "If you're posting content that is hurtful, disturbing and attacking the other side online, it could give the other side permission to ask the court to order a psychiatric evaluation, because they are concerned about the other side's state of mind, especially if there are minor children involved and both sides are trying to create a custody and parenting plan."
She continues, "Social media rants also carry a lot of weight in divorce court. They might be asking, 'Is this person they fit to be with children? Do they need to have supervised visits?' You don't want to do anything to hurt your credibility, especially when custody is involved."
Watch what you say arounds friends
The less you say about the divorce — even to your friends — the better.
Explains Panitz: "Especially if you're high profile. You really have to be careful what you say, because you have to remember that everybody's going to be talking about it. And someone could say to your kids, 'My mommy told me that your daddy threw you out of the house.' And you've got to think how a child is going to react to that. Kids are always listening."
"Look to how Reese Witherspoon handled her divorce from Jim Toth," Panitz says. "You don't hear anything about them because they truly want to keep things quiet. They're keeping this behind closed doors, which is really how it should be for everyone."
It's not time for a shopping spree
Panitz also says individuals should forego posting vacation photos or making extravagant purchases while in the midst of a split.
"Don't buy new cars, new wardrobes, or get a facelift — especially if you're trying to reach a fair settlement. Nobody's saying don't live your life, but don't give the other side ammunition to not want to reach a fair financial settlement if this is a contentious situation." She adds, "It's really best to lay low until the divorce is finalized."
Have a prenuptial agreement in place
Panitz also says she believes everyone should have a prenuptial agreement, regardless of how much money they make. "They're so helpful if you're navigating a divorce because there is less to divide. They can alleviate so much time and cost in legal fees, because it's like, 'Look, it's already spelled out. We know who gets what. We dealt with it all in advance,' " explains Panitz. "People think they are so unromantic, but it actually protects everybody from further conflict and fighting and in a divorce, fighting equals expensive."
She also thinks it's best for parties to try not to fight over materialistic things: "By the time you pay all that money to a lawyer to argue over why you should get the couch, it's actually much, much cheaper to just get new stuff."
Get your own credit card
"Get off the family phone plan so your ex can't track your calls and texts and use them against you. Get off the shared credit card and get your own," advises Panitz. "And if you're about to get kicked off the shared health insurance, make all of your appointments immediately because there's usually a grace period before you're off."
Don't badmouth your ex
For couples that share children, "it's best to put their best interests first, and try to keep their routine as normal as possible," Panitz says.
"If there is too much tension between you and your spouse, and you are not on speaking terms, join a parenting app," she suggests. "There are about a half dozen to choose from, and they are affordable. You can use them to upload your kids' schedules, doctor/dentist appointments, sports schedules, receipts for their expenses, and you can email each other to coordinate pick-up and drop-offs."
Example apps include Our Family Wizard and Custody Connection.
"This can lessen the tension, and your kids don't have to hear you fighting on the phone. Sometimes the children will be with one parent and sometimes they'll be with the other," she says, adding, "Kids see you as their parents, so be what they need during this difficult time. Be happy they had a great time with their other parent and be excited to hear about what they did during the visit. It will go a long way with the kids."
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