Dissecting the Outrageously Valuable, Not to Mention Ridiculous, Oscars Gift Bags

A “Vampire Breast Lift.” A laser skin-tightening procedure. A 10-day first-class trip to Israel.

Those are a few of the services included in the $230,000 gift bags that one marketing firm has promised for celebrities attending the Oscars ceremony on Feb. 28.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which hands out the awards, wants the public to know that it hasn’t approved any of those items. In a federal lawsuit filed recently in Los Angeles, the organization accused Distinctive Assets of promoting the gift bags as official Oscars swag.

The fact remains that these bags are flat-out ridiculous, so let us take you inside them and see what we can find.

Last year’s bag, worth $168,000, had a $1,200 designer bike, $20,000 worth of Audi A4 car rentals, $800 worth of chocolate, two $12,000 vacations, and a $20,000 astrology reading, among other things. Pretty much everything but an Oscar.

But that’s nothing compared to this year’s bag, which includes a $5,000 certificate for plastic surgery, a $1,900 “Vampire Breast Lift,” a $250 laser vibrator, a $250 marijuana vaporizer, and a 10-day luxury trip to Israel, funded by the company’s own government.

Oh, by the way, a Vampire Breast Lift is where they extract blood from you, separate the platelets, stimulate the growth factors, then inject that right back in your bosom. Gross.

It’s worth noting that good has come out of these stupid expensive gift bags. George Clooney auctioned his off for charity twice.

So we’ll wait to see if the lawsuit by the Academy will put a full stop to future bags or if next year’s will hold a deed to a small country and maybe a crown and scepter.

What do you think about these gift bags? Do they tarnish the spirit of the Oscars? Hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram or leave your comments below. And check out our host, Khail Anonymous.

Want to get a leg up in your Oscars pool? Find out where you can stream all five nominees for Best Documentary.