Dissecting the bizarre Star Wars holiday album, Christmas in the Stars
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It was a crass commercial play to make even more money off a blockbuster sci-fi film franchise by attempting to intertwine it with the most celebrated of Yuletide festivities. But enough about the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special. It's time to talk about that other highly suspect Star Wars holiday endeavor — Christmas in the Stars!
Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album is a musical relic from 1980 that features Anthony Daniels' C-3PO and a cadre of droids tasked with helping the enigmatic "S. Claus" make toys for Christmas… which apparently is something they also just happened to celebrate a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Featuring such certified intergalactic bops as "R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and "What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)," the album was produced by Meco Monardo, who had already made a splash with his hit space disco opus Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk.
Rhino The cover of the 'Star Wars' holiday album 'Christmas in the Stars'
Working with songwriter Maury Yeston (who went on to win Tony Awards for Nine and Titanic) and co-producer Tony Bongiovi (who also brought in a very famous cousin), Meco & Co. had hopes and dreams of creating an annual series of Star Wars Christmas releases. Those hopes were dashed when the label releasing the album, RSO Records, went out of business right as (or perhaps…because?) Christmas in the Stars was released.
But was the Force strong with Christmas in the Stars? The hosts of EW's Star Wars podcast, Dagobah Dispatch, decided to take a track-by-track deep dive on the album. Read our reactions to each song below, and listen to our latest episode to get more history and fun facts about this quirky historical curiosity.
"Christmas in the Stars"
DALTON ROSS: The album opens with a jaunty number as C-3PO celebrates all that makes Christmas such a magical holiday. In fact, C-3PO is kind of the lead vocalist on the entire album, which sounds like a very dicey proposition, but the protocol droid generally makes it work, even if the style is more talking-singing more than actual singing. (Probably a wise decision.)
While the title track is also one of the most traditional-sounding on the record, there is a somewhat awesome interlude in which the mischievous scamp R5-D4 throws on some hover skates and gets admonished for playing with the toys instead of making them. The song — which sets up the conceit that will run throughout the entire album that droids are essentially elves there to help S. Claus prepare for the upcoming holiday — is surprisingly catchy. It also earns extra points for rhyming "cookie" with "Wookiee."
DEVAN COGGAN: Look, this entire album raises more questions than it answers. Why does C-3PO know about Christmas, but R2 doesn't? Have droids heard of Jesus? And what exactly is a hover skate?
But as I sat here listening to this first track, letting Anthony Daniels' chipper voice wash over me, I found myself lulled into a surprisingly festive mood. This first number is kind of a bop! Admittedly, it's a little clunky in places, and I don't foresee it becoming a holiday radio staple any time soon. The chorus also rhymes "stars" with… "stars." But that cookie/Wookiee rhyme is admittedly excellent, and my favorite part is when Chewbacca gives R5 a big hairy kiss under the mistletoe.
LAUREN MORGAN: I was completely unaware of this album until Dalton mentioned it, which is amazing considering how many novelty Christmas records I had in the 1980s. I can only assume my parents hid this knowledge from me and my sister to spare their own eardrums. Nevertheless, this entire album will now be in my permanent Christmas rotation.
I found this opening song to be a complete delight, though I agree with Devan that this brings up a lot of complex questions about the overall Star Wars canon. I'm willing to go with it though, and would also like a pair of hover skates under the tree.
"Bells, Bells, Bells"
DALTON: I don't mean to throw penalty flags, but are we really supposed to believe that R2-D2 needs someone to explain to him what bells are? Apparently so, because that's the ostensible reason for this song's existence. (It remains unclear if the droid is also unable to hear bells, like some kid who has outgrown Christmas in The Polar Express.) Adding to the confusion is the fact that C-3PO name-checks both Albert Einstein and H.G. Wells… whom I did not realize also existed a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. (To be fair, Wells did have a time machine.)
The song itself is way too cheery in an unintentionally creepy way — the kind of tune one could imagine being played during a mass-murder scene in an irreverent horror movie — with the word "bells" being repeated approximately 5,240 times in just over three minutes. (Sample lyrics: "Bells, bells, bells, they're tiny and they're small / Bells, bells, bells are also 10 feet tall.") There's also an unfortunate Japanese musical interlude midway through the number that undoubtedly would have been wildly offensive had any sort of music video been made for the song. On the plus side, C-3PO manages to rhyme "question" with "indigestion," and no, R2-D2 doesn't know what that is either.
DEVAN: Okay, this one isn't great, but I wouldn't go as far as Dalton and say that it gives me horror movie vibes! It's a perfectly tolerable bit of cheese. Admittedly, I have a thousand questions, mostly about how C-3PO knows about cows and Einstein, but whatever! It's Christmas!
Fun fact: You can briefly hear snippets of "Bells, Bells, Bells" in the background of Hawkeye episode 4, when Clint (Jeremy Renner) and Kate (Hailee Steinfeld) are hanging out with a group of LARPers. Gotta love that Marvel-Star Wars synergy!
LAUREN: Again, this one raises a lot of canon-related questions, but I feel like no one really cared about being canon-accurate in 1980. It also seems like George Lucas wasn't paying super close attention during the production of this festive work of art.
This tune is pretty jaunty — perhaps a little too jaunty for my liking, and I could have done with maybe half of the "bells" repetition. I don't buy that R2 doesn't know what bells are, but I will give him a pass on indigestion because why would an astromech need to know about that in the first place?
"The Odds Against Christmas"
DALTON: This is a legit terrible song. I don't even understand what it means. Please don't quote me on this (or on anything having to do with this album, really), but I think the point of the tune is how crazy it is that we even have a Christmas… although I have no idea what that has to do with the Magna Carta or Columbus "discovering" America, which somehow C-3PO knows all about. The number informs us that "The odds against Christmas being Christmas are 365 to 1," but that just sounds like basic calendar math to me. It also tells us that "Whole galaxies and distant worlds would change places with any of you because you have a day when love came to stay," but trust me — your love will take the first starcruiser out of town the second this chorus kicks in.
DEVAN: Yeah, this one's pretty bad. I'm gonna pull a Han Solo and say, "Never tell me the odds" — especially if the odds sound like this.
LAUREN: The title sounds like a segment you'd see on Fox News in December, but I did enjoy the space harpsichord or whatever that instrument is at the beginning. Eventually this starts to sound like something you'd find on a Carpenters Christmas album, and that's a little too earthbound for what I want in a Star Wars Christmas song.
"What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)"
DALTON: Banger. Straight-up banger. And, if I may be so bold, the centerpiece of the album. Not only do I generally love a song with a parenthetical, but this little ditty ponders questions both existential and practical when deliberating what sort of Christmas gift to procure for a Wookiee. While I will admit to a little confusion as to whether Wookiees really do celebrate both Life Day and Christmas Day, there is an undeniable thrill in learning all the things to not get a Wookiee, including a tie clip, shaving foam, a hat, and galoshes. Although any and all gift suggestions put forth in the lyrics do begin to sound a bit suspect once we learn that the droids compiling these Christmas lists also have Han Solo marked down for… earmuffs. Lame!
DEVAN: I couldn't agree more. "What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas" officially slaps. It's got this delightfully jazzy vaudeville sound, and I'm adding it into regular rotation on my Christmas playlist. Also, it's very thoughtful to give Luke Skywalker a scarf since he's from Tatooine and probably doesn't own any other winter clothing.
LAUREN: This is possibly the greatest song I've ever heard, but Han Solo does not seem like the earmuffs type.
"R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas"
DALTON: Sooooooo, first the good news: The fifth song on Christmas in the Stars features the very first recorded vocal performance by the one and only Jon Bon Jovi. That is not a joke. The man who would later see a million faces and rock them all got his start right here, credited to his real name of John Bongiovi. (Jon's cousin Tony ran the recording studio and co-produced the album.)
Unfortunately, Bon Jovi's voice is drowned out for the majority of the song by a chorus of precocious little kids, which seems to be a go-to move for albums geared toward children even though it always ends up annoying both adult and pint-size listeners. Even with the star power, the song is for the most part unlistenable, though I suppose it is the only place where you can hear one of the preeminent hair metal singers of the 1980s croon to a Star Wars droid, "If the snow becomes too deep, just give a little beep. We'll go in by the fire, and warm your little wires."
Koh Hasebe/Shinko Music/Getty Images Jon Bon Jovi
DEVAN: Earlier this week, our podcast producer Samee Junio started blasting this one in the EW office, and we watched as all our colleagues turned around in horror. Is it good? No. Is it fun to think about a tiny Bon Jovi singing his heart out to R2-D2? Absolutely. My favorite moment is when Bon Jovi pronounces "chimney" like it has three syllables.
LAUREN: Wait a minute! You don't pronounce "chimney" with three syllables? Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins has lied to me all these years!
"Sleigh Ride"
DALTON: The idea behind this track is that R2-D2 wants to learn how to sing, and I promise I am not making that up. So the curious droid asks C-3PO to teach him… which seems like an odd choice, especially with Jon Bon Jovi hanging around. But I digress. So the music itself is the traditional "Sleigh Ride" tune, but all the lyrics are about how to sing. On paper it sounds like an absolutely dreadful idea, but I actually kind of don't mind it. I mean, it's really hard to screw up "Sleigh Ride," so a lot of the work was done on this one before anyone even showed up in studio, but if you like that song and are amenable to a lot of robot beeping and booping over it, then it's all good. Oh, and spoiler alert: R2 learns how to sing by the end.
DEVAN: Yeah, this is fine. "Just get your circuits buzzin' / A mere half-dozen will do" is a hell of a line, though.
LAUREN: I would have liked more of C-3PO singing classic Christmas tunes on this album. "Sleigh Ride" is a hard song to mess up, but I would have liked to hear the Star Wars versions of "Jingle Bells," "White Christmas," and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Do you think we could get them to do a volume 2?
"Merry, Merry Christmas"
DALTON: This grating, frantic assault on the senses features a chorus of droids paying homage to weird Christmas gifts that may or may not have spent time on the Island of Misfit Toys. That explains lyrics like "Here is a hammer without a head / So when you miss the nail you'll never hurt your thumb instead" and why at one point a Wookiee puts on an invisible costume and starts tickling the droids. (I didn't realize droids were ticklish, and remain somewhat confused at how that exactly works.)
But as sing-songy and annoying as this tune is, it gets a standing slow-clap from this corner of the galaxy for a brilliant callback that rivals Enrico Pallazzo himself. The act in question takes place when the number is randomly interrupted so one droid can inquire, "Do we have the data on what to get the Wookiee this year. He already has a comb, you know?" It turns out the data is in! And what can you get a Wookiee for Christmas (when he already owns a comb)? Well, you'll have to risk madness by listening to this song to find out.
DEVAN: This one sounds like a rejected outtake from a Muppets Christmas special. Besides the occasional Chewbacca noise, it also doesn't sound all that Star Wars-y! I would've loved to hear the version of this album that actually incorporated some John Williams melodies or some lyrics about sledding on Hoth.
LAUREN: That's an insult to the Muppets! Paul Williams would never! This seems more like a reject from an Alvin and the Chipmunks record, and I believe this song might be the reason why my parents hid the existence of this album from me as a child.
"A Christmas Sighting ('Twas the Night Before Christmas)"
DALTON: We all know C-3PO is a master storyteller, as evidenced by the enraptured Ewoks in Return of the Jedi. However, he doesn't seem to have the ability to employ awesome sound effects this time around to punctuate the more dramatic moments of the tale. I've also listened to this story with musical backing 13 times and still have no memory of what it is even about.
DEVAN: My main question after listening to this one is whether reindeer can make the jump to light speed. Can Rudolph make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs?
LAUREN: This tune makes me just want to give a shout-out to Anthony Daniels, who is an absolute champ throughout this album. I'd like to hear him to read A Christmas Carol.
"The Meaning of Christmas"
DALTON: This extended last song — which feels all of its eight minutes — finally reveals the identity of S. Claus. Turns out he's Santa Claus' son, because "there are far too many children in the galaxy for one Claus to handle." Fair point. I wish I could tell you more about this sappy album-ender, which has S. explaining the meaning of Christmas to C-3PO and company, but I honestly fell asleep during this one. Now I just need to schedule a visit to the dentist after all the saccharine I consumed listening to this album.
DEVAN: My main takeaway from this entire album is that… S. Claus kind of sucks? All these droid factory workers politely ask if they will receive any Christmas presents this year, and S. Claus smugly informs them that "the happiness your toys bring to children around the galaxy is your gift." Rude!
LAUREN: This was kind of a bummer to end on because it sounds more like a standard Christmas song than a Star Wars one. It needs more C-3PO, or Wookiees, or a certain young New Jerseyan soon-to-be hair rocker.
Check out EW's Dagobah Dispatch podcast for interviews with all the stars of Star Wars, including Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Rosario Dawson, Diego Luna, Andy Serkis, Kumail Nanjiani, and many more.
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