Dear Mar-a-Lago Club members: My indictment is going to cost you
Dear Mar-a-Lago Club Members:
This is Donald Trump, your president. As you might have heard, I have been charged by the totally corrupt Manhattan district attorney Alvin Bragg, for a $130,000 so-called hush money payment I made in the closing weeks of the 2016 presidential campaign to porn star Stormy Daniels, a person who is not only an untrusty witness but also a very poor judge of the surprising girth of mushrooms.
I want to assure you as Mar-a-Lago Club members that these vicious and totally unfair charges will be defended by my legal team, who will be some of the brightest legal minds in the country that return my phone calls. And Rudy Giuliani.
Rudy will have more to say about this at an upcoming news briefing outside of Amelia’s Smarty Plants in Lake Worth Beach later this week.
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In the meantime, many of you have come up to me and said, “Sir, Sir, what can we do? Sir, — you all call me ‘Sir’ — how can we help you defend against these complete and total made-up charges, Sir?”
Finding a little extra money to help Trump
Normally, I would say there’s absolutely nothing you can do. As you know, I am like the richest person you’ve ever known. I got more money than anybody. Right? Forget about it. I mean, I'm super, super rich.
But lately, it’s been hard getting through to my longtime chief financial officer Allen Weisselberg. The phone service inside the Rikers Island jail is a national disgrace.
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So, I’m asking you to do a little something. It’s the least you can do for your country, which I love so much, and prove every time I hug American flags on stage.
All I want each of you to do is to find $130,000 and send it to me for legal expenses. There’s nothing wrong with us saying that we’ve recalculated your dues.
Being able to applaud me at Mar-a-Lago as I take my meals with Melania at a roped-off table on the lanai is worth hundreds of thousands of dollars to you.
So what’s another $130,000 adjustment? Nothing. And people will love you for it.
It will make you a hero to the 74 million Americans who voted for me. On the other hand, if you don’t give me that $130,000 I’m asking for, well those same people will be very angry with you.
You don’t want to end up getting hanged over some pocket change. I hear my people — I love the uneducated — may start forming a protective circle around Mar-a-Lago with their perfectly legal take-back-America, Second Amendment tools. Such patriots.
If you want, think of that $130,000 payment you're making to me as "hush money." Pay me and I'll hush up about you when I tell my MAGAs who the disloyal members of the club are.
Trust me. You don't want to be in that group. That would be a big risk to you. So, just do the right thing here. Find me that money.
Don't worry. It's perfectly legal. Just like whatever did or didn't happen with Stormy Daniels.
I can't believe we're even talking about that. I mean, c'mon. Could you imagine what Thomas Jefferson would have been like if Stormy Daniels had been shaking her money-makers at Monticello?
So, next time you spot me at Mar-a-Lago, I expect to see a thick envelope in one of your outstretched hands.
It's not the money that matters. It's the gesture.
Frank Cerabino is a columnist at The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at email@example.com. Help support our journalism. Subscribe today.
This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Trump indictment: Former president indicted by New York grand jury