Well, that was an interminable wait for glitter and sequins, right ballroom fans?
But the downtime is finally over; welcome to the 28th season of Dancing With the Stars! And what a newsworthy return it has already been — host Tom Bergeron doesn’t like “divisive bookings” like Sean Spicer, contestant Christie Brinkley broke her arm into, like, “1,000 pieces” and asked her model-daughter Sailor to fill in instead, and Wendy Williams thinks the 65-year-old supermodel lied about the whole dang thing.
But all the drama should be behind us now, right? Onto the good stuff from premiere night, like how wardrobe put a big target on Spicer’s back (and front) by putting him in a hideous neon shirt.
I’m sorry, I just don’t see how it’s worth it. pic.twitter.com/ZkRyPU7uWp— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) September 17, 2019
Lamar Odom and Peta Murgatroyd. The giant baller looked delightful in his burgundy velvet suit but sauntered through his unremarkable foxtrot. “It’s so difficult when you are so tall as you are,” said judge Len Goodman. “It just needed a little more smoothness and a little more elegance. It lacked finesse.” “I can tell this all completely new to you but you listened to Peta,” offered Carrie Ann Inaba. Score: 11 out of 30
Sean Spicer and Lindsay Arnold. He got through his salsa with a big smile and a freakin’ bright shirt. He played the bongos, too! “It was strangely entertaining,” said Tonioli. “I’m going to give you best fluorescent shimmy of the night. I like your sense of fun.” Score: 12 out of 30
Kate Flannery and Pasha Pashkov. Cha-chaing to “She Works Hard for the Money,” The Office star had a ball shimmying in her blue tassels. “I’m in so impressed,” said Inaba. “You are sure-footed.” “I’ve got to say your attitude is terrific,” added Goodman. “You come out and sparkle.” Score: 15 out of 30
Ray Lewis and Cheryl Burke. The NFL famer’s energetic foxtrot was a big crowd favorite. “A fantastic charismatic performance,” said Tonioli. “You brought your A-game,” said Inaba. “It was pretty damn good. You turned this audience on.” Score: 15 out of 30
Kel Mitchell and Witney Carson. The comedian from Kenan & Kel had trouble keeping up with a tango, but “Kelly-ito” — his self-described alter-ego — found his groove while still chewing his gum on tempo. “It is very, very good to see your serious side,” said Bruno Tonioli. “You lost your grip a few times … but once you find that, watch out,” added Inaba. Score: 16 out of 30
Ally Brooke and Sasha Farber. The Fifth Harmony singer came out snapping and pumping like she was on tour but Goodman was having none of her alleged cha-cha. “There’s a lot of hip thrusting and gyrating,” said Goodman. “There’s a lot of sort of Beyoncé stuff that I’m no fan of. But you’re a very competent dancer.” Score: 16 out of 30
Karamo and Jenna Johnson. The Queer Eye co-host performed a salsa to Lizzo’s “Juice” but apparently came up empty in the hip department. “Not enough hip action,” said Goodman. “It lacked a bit of rhythm.” “Good looks, good style,” added Tonioli. “Come on, give me those hips!” Added Inaba, “I feel like you underperformed this routine.” Score: 17 out of 30
Mary Wilson and Brandon Armstrong. The legendary Supreme singer danced a gentle foxtrot to “Baby Love” and goodness, she looked cute in her Danskins. “You were built to foxtrot on our dance floor,” said Inaba. “I’m the same age as you and I’d like to come out and do a foxtrot as well as you,” added Goodman, 75. Score: 17 out of 30
Sailor Brinkley-Cook and Val Chmerkovskiy. What a story: Brinkley-Cook was given two days to learn the foxtrot that her mom labored over for three weeks before breaking her arm in a freak fall. Even better: mom’s white gown fit perfectly on her model-daughter, who danced to “Uptown Girl” from her mom’s ex Billy Joel. “You have a poise and an incredibly care-free spirit,” says Inaba. “You floated my boat,” added Goodman. Score: 18 out of 30
Lauren Alaina and Gleb Savchenko. The country music star started off in a chair a la Flashdance and did a whole lot of preening during her rather respectable cha-cha. “It was like watching a sultry southern belle,” said Tonioli. Score: 19 out of 30
Hannah Brown and Alan Bersten. The most recent Bachelorette opened the night with a cha-cha that revealed she’s better at tripping the light fantastic than recognizing a good man when she sees one. “It was crisp, clean, and confident,” says Goodman. “You came out with the right attitude,” added Inaba. Score: 20 out of 30
James Van Der Beek and Emma Slater. The Dawson’s Creek actor said he missed being in front of an audience. It certainly showed in his very sexy tango. No wonder the show saved him for last! “We have a leading man in the house!” said Inaba. “James, oh James. So strong, so passionate. So charismatic, but what I love is that you were totally in character and in control, all the way through,” said Tonioli. Score: 21 out of 30