Crimson Tide learned early 2000s lessons, and invested in another champ | MARK HUGHES COBB

As surely as a happy movie family singing together in their vehicle is absolutely about to be hideously T-boned by a speeding 18-wheeler, the boo birds came flocking when University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban announced his retirement.

Not entirely an unexpected call, even if you've only been following along casually, as I do. Dude's 72, and looks fit, but at half-time and post-game interviews, he seemed somewhat less animated these past few seasons. That's pretty much all I've got to go on, but more fervent followers have agreed that he's seemed quieter, moved a little easier. But come on, he's still out-flanking those AFLAC ducks, so give the senior some credit.

NICK SABAN COMMEMORATIVE BOOK: Relive Nick Saban’s epic Alabama football coaching career with our special book! Preorder here.

Folks cried, mourned, whined, worried that we were stepping back toward a four-Mike stance, then as quickly lifted heads to the night skies to await Kalen DeBoer's arrival on a UA jet plane.

One of the oddest reactions came from Toomer's Corners, where they frequently vandalize trees — Oh, but let just one Tide fanatic poison the ground, and it's dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria! Seriously, don't do that, morons. Love Mother Earth and all her living things by smothering them with poop wipes instead ― in ... celebration? I'll check notes on that.

Only egged on ― Egging's a different story ― by equally silly fellow teens, I rolled, sure, but it wasn't so much "Huzzah!" as "We hate you so much it's impossible to express in words, so instead here's a chaos of fluff commonly associated with buttocks and waste material spattered over your domicile."

More "Nyah" than "Yay!"

Certainly not "Yea Alabama," where some seemed to fear Nick had passed on, leaving oatmeal cream pies and other totem-offerings at the campus Andy Griffith statue, but poor Auburn, which in Shug Jordan's days used to take pride in its own accomplishments, squealed in relief knowing they won't have to face one of the best again.

Never mind that they had a pretty fair run at Saban, only getting beat 12 times out of 17, but Auburn has stumbled through five head coaches in that stretch. Maybe they should roll out barrels of cash for a top-notch leader, as then-UA athletic director Mal Moore and then-UA President Bob Witt did, back in 2007.

I mean it's not like Auburn caused Nick to leave, as it did with Bill Curry, an underestimated gentleman coach who did quite well for the post-Bear Bama — following Ray Perkins, who also did yeoman's work ― winning an SEC championship, but failing to beat the Tigers that last year, so ... off you go, Mr. Tidy Sweater. And though it's coincidental, the Bear did retire in a season after we failed to beat Auburn.

Off with Mr. SEC Champ for a Bear clone, or at least an old white grizzled fella with the right sort of aw-shucksy grumble to fit that place in our grief-wizened souls, and to keep things together long enough for John Copeland, Eric Curry, Antonio Langham and George "Man of Steal" Teague to smash the Heisman from Gino Torretta's mitts

Kinda curious now to look back and see how Auburn "celebrated" when Bama suffered its wonder years ― as in "Wonder why they hired HIM?" ― earlier this century.

I'd first noticed this ugly antipathy long ago, on a visit to the Plains back while I was seeing a couple of someones there. At the game, they got beaten soundly by Georgia Tech and in the fourth quarter, instead of getting more loudly drunk or cheering on their team, Auburn fans started up a chant that went something like "Around the bowl and down the hole/roll tide, roll."

Hrm?

I asked my friends who attended, and they attested yes, this is what Auburn does, much of the year: Obsess about Bama. When they've got nothing else to be happy about, they can always look forward to a tough Iron Bowl, where, as we all know, it's practically a matter of indifference who's got the better record, or indeed the better team, once the whistle blows. Wacky happens.

And Auburn's landed on top of many of the craziest, though last December's 4th and 31 belonged to the Tide, just as Isaiah Bond belongs to ... Texas? In a talk with ESPN, Bond said: "Just like the business world, you make the best decision for your company. My company right now is my draft stock. I feel like I'm putting myself in position to increase that and have better draft stock."

And that is yet another reason I won't invest in Hate-Auburn, Hate-Tennessee, Hate Whatsamatta U, because, as people have been whining for years, college football is the minor leagues for the NFL. With NIL compensation and transfer portals, you've got to know that, at heart, you're cheering for a logo. Pretty much the same reason I was a Hank Aaron/Braves fan as a kid, but couldn't tell you one name on the corporate logo, er team, today.

Now it's not that bad in college football ... yet. And who can blame a kid for wanting to best showcase his skills? Who exactly advised him Texas would be better, or believed Bama hadn't learned its early 2000s lessons, and wouldn't be hiring yet another ace — one with a 104-12 head-coaching record — I don't know. But I'll bet all these youngsters — despite their size and strength, they are still mostly 18 to 22 — are being handled by someone, or someones, other than parents and coaches.

Still, Bama is and ever will be, as The Onion tells it, My Area Sports Team.

Maybe the loyalty I long for lies now with staff, not players. Here's hoping for a far-away rolling of tides and toomers after coach DeBoer decides to ease back on his own throttle, following a multi-decade, multi-championship run.

Mark Hughes Cobb is the editor of Tusk. Reach him at mark.cobb@tuscaloosanews.com.

This article originally appeared on The Tuscaloosa News: Here's to Kalen DeBoer and no toilet-papered trees | MARK HUGHES COBB