Crazy little things called love: TV characters who fell for inanimate objects
I love gummy bears. I love gummy bears more than I love some of my friends and all of my family. If I could, I would marry a giant bag of Haribo and spend the rest of my days raising bouncing, beautiful baby bags of Starmix, the delicious variety pack which is what I assume would come from a gummy-human union.
Our favorite shows are full of these obsessive, borderline questionable relationships between characters and the things that can never love them back. But on the bright-ish side, an inanimate object can never leave them (that still feels dark).
And for a lot of these fictitious folks, their love of certain things are a defining trait. Could you imagine Carrie not loving shoes? Moira not wearing wigs? Kel not loving orange soda? That's a world I don't care to live in, thank you. So let's give some love to TV's best romances ... with inanimate objects.
Ernie and his rubber duckie
Can one inanimate object love another? Well, on Sesame Street, anything is possible. Though Ernie is technically an unholy amalgamation of foam, fleece, and rods, you can say the same thing about a third of the Real Housewives. And considering that "Rubber Duckie," Ernie's ode to his favorite bath time companion, has been a staple among generations of children for more than 50 years, it would be hard to argue that Ernie's devotion is nothing if not sacrosanct. It's the greatest love story ever quacked.
Synclaire James and her Troll dolls
This is now officially a SynclOverton/OverClaire appreciation post, honoring the sweethearts of '90s sitcom classic Living Single, Synclaire James (Kim Coles) and Overton Wakefield Jones (John Henton). But with all do respect to Obie, the handyman of her dreams, Synclaire's first love was always her creepy collection of Troll dolls. In a flashback episode, "Back in the Day," we see Synclaire arrive in New York with her seven-foot-tall, green-haired Troll doll Crispus Attucks in the backseat. It's one of the most terrifying and adorable images ever on broadcast television.
Kel Kimble and orange soda
Kenan and Kel
"Who loves orange soda?"
If you ask that question to any millennial, the answer will invariably be: "Kel loves orange soda!" A soft drink and a character have never been as synonymous, so intense and so pure was Kel's (Kel Mitchell) love for that fizzy neon concoction. Till this day, Mitchell gets associated with Kimble's signature drink. Is it truuuuue? He does, he does, he duh-uzz.
"When my wife and I go out to eat, it doesn't matter what type of restaurant we're at, whether it's a five-star restaurant or a burger shack, people go crazy if I don't get an orange soda," Mitchell told EW in 2016. "I'm happy that people enjoy the show and are still drinking orange soda."
Hank Hill and propane
Hank Hill says propane like it's the most hallowed word on God's green earth — Prooooooooo-paaaaaane. It's a mix of awe and something vaguely sexual. Well, maybe not so vague. Hank refers to the fuel as "sweet lady propane" and his wife Peggy understands that she's perhaps not the number one gal in his life, referring to herself as a propane wife.
Carrie Bradshaw and shoes
Sex and the City and (I guess) And Just Like That...
Hello, lover. One of the great mysteries of the televised universe is how Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), a writer with a column in a weekly local newspaper, could afford not only her apartment on the Upper East Side but also a closet full of $400 Manolos. The answer is simple: Carrie's a New Yorker. When you're a New Yorker and you have a passion for something, you find a way to fund it. And also, Carrie is just terrible with money — lest we forget that Charlotte (Kristin Davis) sold her old wedding ring so a broke and asset-free Carrie could afford to buy that Upper East Side apartment. Though the transition from Sex and the City to And Just Like That was, shall we say, a bit rough, Carrie's love for stilettos remained thankfully in tact.
Jack McFarland and his Cher doll
If he could turn back tiiiiiiiiooooome, Jack (Sean Hayes) would surely go back to the moment when he met Cher, legendary diva, and mistook her for "Cher," a drag queen. In the seventh episode of W&G's near-flawless third season, Jack gets a Cher doll and begins to treat it like the Oscar-winning superstar it's molded after. When out for lunch with Will (Eric McCormack), Grace (Debra Messing), and mini-Cher, Jack goes so far as to reserve a table for four in the back so the doll wouldn't be "gawked at." By the time the real Cher slaps the moonstruck Jack across the face with a curt "Shnap out of it," one can't help but feel that maybe he's deserved it.
Stewie Griffin and Rupert
For an evil genius with a vast array of deadly gadgets at his fingertips, Stewie Griffin still maintains a certain sense of innocence. Sure, his teddy bear Rupert sometimes doubles as a gun, but most of the time he's Stewie's best friend, confidante, and ... lover. Just like Mr. Burns had his beloved Bobo, Stewie has Rupert, though their relationship goes far deeper and gets a lot weirder than the Simpsons billionaire and his teddy. For one, Stewie has numerous sexual fantasies about Rupert and they quarrel like George and Martha in a dinner theater production of Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf? Except Rupert doesn't talk so it's really just Stewie monologuing as he admonishes Rupert for "watching the boys" instead of their bags. Rupert has occasionally come to life, however, once to affirm to his fellow stuffed animals that he's indeed straight. Nobody tell Stewie, though.
Jules Cobb and wine
Cougar Town started out as a sitcom about a divorcee in her 40s getting back out there only to evolve into its true form as a weekly wine club with some jokes occasionally thrown in. Leading these tannin tête-à-têtes is one Ms. Julia Kiki Cobb-Ellis (Courtney Cox) whose love for wine is mythic in scope. This is a woman who bragged to a relative stranger that she not only drinks wine after brushing her teeth but while brushing her teeth. It's frankly shocking that Jules never decided to cut out the middle man and just hook up an IV of pinot to her non-drinking arm — so the drinking arm can hold a separate glass of wine. Still, Jules was ahead of her time: She was a wine mom way before the pandemic.
Dave Rose and V-necks
Dave's addiction to the V served as a basis for an entire episode, "Makin' Changes!" from season 2. A bored Max (Adam Pally) and Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) have come to the end of an Intervention wormhole and keep their high going when they notice Dave (Zachary Knighton) has a deep reliance on an even deeper neckline. They decide to launch an "inter-vee-ntion"/"interventveen" out of concern for their friend, and more importantly, out of boredom for themselves. Dave eventually comes to terms with his V addiction, only to return to eschewing a crew neck like it was the plague. The episode ends with an ominous update on Dave: "Three hours later Dave Rose relapsed. He was last seen roaming an outlet mall, looking for that sweet v-neck high."
Moira Rose and her wigs
A Rose by a different name that still smelled as sweet, Moira (the incomparable Catherine O'Hara) loved her wigs as much as, if not demonstrably more, than her own kids. Each delightful wig had its own name, personality, and a specific place in her significantly downsized new home, a room in the motel she and her family were forced to move into when they lost all their money. To cope with this dereliction of glamour, Moira leaned heavily into her love of fashion, sometimes piling a wig on top of another wig or wearing a wig as a scarf. Little did we know all of these rugs were leading up to the grand daddy of wigs, the knee-length cascading curls and matching wreath she wore to officiate the nuptials of top 10 best couple David and Patrick. It was a fitting follicle end to a truly hair-raising journey.
Read more from EW's celebration of TV's best romances of all time.
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