Comedian Cara Connors on Coming Out, Being a “Sassy Gay Cowboy,” and Dating Gen Z

Jill Petracek

Before comedian Cara Connors ever came out, she told lots of self-aware jokes about how gay she looked: “I have a husband, I know, I know…” she would say, acknowledging what seemed obvious to everyone in the audience: they were looking at a gay person. But despite being surrounded by “a bunch of queeries and dykes” in the Toronto stand-up scene, as Connors puts it, she remained convinced that she was heterosexual for two years of performing onstage.

“I think my subconscious was hoping I would write a joke, say it out loud, and then hear it back,” she tells Them. “But it takes me a minute to process things, apparently.”

That journey — from being a straight-married Midwestern millennial living in Canada to an out gay comedian dating Gen Zers in Los Angeles — is the subject of Connors’ new stand-up special Straight for Pay, now streaming on Apple TV+. In the new hourlong, the comic covers everything from the extreme volume of dad sneezes to the atonality of Catholic communion hymns, all told through the lens of her coming-out story. And she does it while wearing perhaps the most lesbian shirt ever sewn by human hands: a Western-style button-down with red tassels and flame detailing on the sleeves. When she confesses to the audience that she once had seven bridesmaids, she gets the same gasps that she must have heard when she once told people she was straight.

Below, Connors talks with Them about locating the beloved shirt, dating across a generational divide, and JoJo Siwa’s “Karma” choreography.

I do need to ask about the shirt for the special. Does it have tassels and flames on the sleeves?

It sure does, yeah. It’s from Fashion Brand Company, which is this very cool little L.A. company. My friend found it and she was like, “This is the shirt. You simply must wear this.”

It must be a lot of pressure to find the one outfit that you’ll actually record the special in.

Basically I’ve kind of accepted that no matter what, at some point, it will look dated or like it’s from a time capsule.

It did remind me of my dad who has a flame-patterned button down and also sneezes incredibly loudly. I’m wondering if there’s some embracing of the inner dad happening with you overall.

Oh, 100%, yeah. Is your dad Guy Fieri, though? Just out of curiosity, based on that description…

I wish. I would kill to be Guy Fieri’s lesbian sister.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, he also seems to be a family guy and he really likes to take everybody around the world to try all his favorite food, so that would probably be a pretty good gig. But the inner dad has fully been embraced. The last few years, I’ve really been embracing my pronouns, which are “cowboy / prints.” Those are my guiding principles fashion-wise and just in terms of attitude: being a sassy gay cowboy. The dad side is starting to come out for the next [special], because I have really been getting into wearing old tracksuits.

Oh, gosh.

Don’t knock it until you try it.

I don’t think I’ve ever worn a tracksuit; I’m going to try to keep it that way. Speaking of dads, which is more embarrassing: coming out as gay to your family or coming out as a comedian to your family?

Oh, God. Honestly, comedian. The definition of “comedian” that my Midwestern family has is really Bozo the Clown and Saturday Night Live from the eighties. And yeah, I mean, is there anything more embarrassing than specifically being an improviser, which I am closeted about, but I do dabble with as well? It’s so fun to do, but how could there be anything more embarrassing? It’s like we’re literal traveling clowns.

I want to ask about all your Zoomer material. What have you learned about Gen Z from your former roommates and your dating life? Give me your insights; I’m trying to understand them better myself.

They’re really smart and I feel like they don’t take any shit from anybody, and I really do respect that. I think maybe [I relate to them] because I’ve been living sort of a Benjamin Button-esque life where I feel like I’m getting younger and unpacking things. I got married really young, while all my friends were just dating and getting out of college, and now everything’s kind of been going backwards for me. Developmentally, the crossover of when my coming out and second adolescence happened [put me] closer to Gen Z culturally. So, I think that I have a soft spot for them because I feel like I’ve always just been embraced. I’ll defend them forever.

Did you have to learn their slang?

No, because I’m just chronically on TikTok. I had a job for a while was writing for this Snapchat channel called Brat TV, writing jokes making fun of TikTokers and influencers. My girlfriend is Gen Z, and she’s very not into social media, and she never knows what the hell I’m saying. I feel like I understand the language somehow, intrinsically.

Wow, you found the world’s only unplugged Zoomer!

Right? I know. It’s a perfect combo for that reason, exactly. And then I get to feel like I know something, and it’s usually the most obscure kind of silly fact. I’m following JoJo Siwa minute by minute.

Do you have “Karma” video thoughts?

Oh my God. I mean, she’s dancing like rent is due and it’s like, “Honey, you have enough money. You don’t have to go that hard, you’ve got to save your energy a little bit.” I don’t know, she kind of cracks me up. I’ve been watching her since Dance Moms, so I have a soft spot for her. She’s so weird, but I’m in.

I just learned what a “hey mamas lesbian” is. I feel like there used to be a different name for it; I recognized the archetype immediately. But my algorithm is all snapbacks now…

Oh, yeah. The snapbacks are huge. The “hey mamas lesbian” trope is kind of funny. If I didn't check myself, if I didn’t end up in a coastal city or something, who knows? If I were born in Florida and that’s all I knew, I’m sure I would’ve been right there with them…

There’s some gravitational pull. There’s a reason so many people end up there…

100%. I mean, ultimately it probably is effective in a lot of pockets and communities. It’s kind of the hot girls who were jocks and then ended up realizing they were gay later. Then they were like, “Wait, I can wear a jersey and just be kind of bro-y, and there’ll be some girls who’ll be into it?”

Did you follow the jock pipeline at all?

Oh, absolutely, yeah. I was super Sporty Spice from day one. I have three older brothers and all of us were very into sports. I played softball and basketball, and then in high school, it was volleyball and water polo. I absolutely loved being in a hyper-competitive environment where I could go “beast mode.”

But that wasn’t a clue?

No, and that’s really the scariest thing. I don’t know if it’s generational or if it’s Midwestern, but everybody was just like, “She’s a tomboy.” They were like, “What an asset to the team.” They didn’t label it as anything gay until, honestly college — at least not to my face; I’m sure that people were saying that. But a lot of my friends were really sporty and now they’ve got three kids and they’re as straight as you can imagine.

And you had seven bridesmaids, which is wild.

That’s one of the bravest, most vulnerable things I’ve ever admitted. Oh wow, it’s so embarrassing.

Moments like that should make people more suspicious. The straighter the trappings…

100%, yeah. And now I think it gives me some street cred with straight people because I have a common language. It’s like. “I understand where you’re coming from.” I was also super extra at my wedding and had photos that had to be shot panoramic because we needed to include so many people in the bridal party.

You can speak across the communities now: the Great Uniter.

My recent thing I’ve noticed is there’s been a lot of just extremely straight bro dudes who will end up at a show that I’m doing, and we seem to have some kind of simpatico connection that I wasn’t anticipating. But maybe that’s the direction I should lean into as well: they do just view me as a fellow bro.

It’s not a bad role to be slotted into.

No, not at all. I’ll take it!

On a nerdier vibe, the main reason why the LGBTQ+ community is getting larger in the U.S. is because more women are coming out. As a comedian, but not an anthropologist, what would you say is going on there?

Yeah, I mean, maybe there’s a “safety in numbers” aspect to it. And then the more celebrities that we see who are just casually coming out… I mean, didn’t Sophia Bush just come out? And then, Rosalía with Hunter [Schafer]? I think that the tide is definitely turning.

I’ve been obsessed with the queering of women’s reality TV stars.

Yes.

The recently banished Duchess of Deception talks with Them about her dramatic exit from the Peacock competition show.

I would like to congratulate the L.A. queer comedian community in particular on landing a former Bachelorette.

I know, it’s incredible. I mean, if somebody would’ve told you that 10 years ago, would you even believe that? That that could be a real headline? It’s so good.

Yeah, I’m obsessed with the whole Gabby Windey / Robby Hoffman situation.

Yes. And then who’s the person from Survivor? I can’t remember their name.

Parvati.

Yes. It all makes sense. You’ve got these smooth talkers who are just winning them over, and the more people see the queer Ultimatum, the more they see it as an option. I’m still waiting for queer Love is Blind; it’s kind of shocking that they haven’t done one, I think.

It’s coming, I’m sure. If you’re ever in a fight with your unplugged Zoomer partner, you can say, “Don’t you realize I could have gotten a Love is Blind contestant?”

Oh, God.

“I miss how it was when we were in the pod!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Straight for Pay is now streaming on Apple TV+. Tickets for the next Straight for Pay comedy showcase at Permanent Records in Los Angeles are available now.

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Originally Appeared on them.