Column: An address does not a Palm Beacher make: Are you a diamond or a cubic zirconia?

Are you a genuine Palm Beacher? A true diamond?

Or are you a flashy imitator? A cubic zirconia?

Oh pshaw, you say, of course I'm a Palm Beacher. I live in Palm Beach, don't I?

Residence doesn't do it. There's a certain attitude, a way of doing — or not doing — things that marks a genuine Palm Beacher.       The genuine Palm Beach woman:    * Is very knowledgeable about food, yet eats little and cooks rarely;    * Has her "adios" money carefully stashed away (enough to set herself up in an apartment should the need arise), and periodically adds to it;    * Has a job, whether paid or unpaid, although never at a relative's business;    * Marries later in life and makes a witty, urbane, Dorothy Parker-ish speech at her wedding;    * Has a golf handicap below 20;    * Has an undergraduate degree in business, finance, or design. If she has a graduate degree, it is in art history or ancient civilizations;    * Is on The South Beach diet;    * Keeps personalized Tiffany notecards, pre-stamped envelopes and a Mont Blanc pen in the bedside drawer to write dinner party thank-you notes immediately after returning home;

* Never goes out without sunscreen;    * Happily sends her significant other off on a golfing-with-the-boys trip, knowing that her reward will be a villa in Tuscany for a month;    * Never lies about using a caterer;    * Knows that a working breakfast at Surfside Diner is the best way to get things done;

    * Never does three-hour lunches;    * Always tends to her own garden, but lets paid help take care of the lawn and shrubbery;    * Can read a market report or balance sheet as well as any Wharton wunderkind;    * Never reprimands a child in public; and    * Fluently speaks another language, preferably Spanish, Italian or French.       The genuine Palm Beach man:    * Drives (and marries) something small, expensive and aerodynamic;

* Doesn't watch televised sports but owns a limited partnership in a professional sports franchise;    * Keeps his wife and mistress in separate cities;    * Thinks tennis is "a girl's game," but plays because it's good exercise;

* Secretly thinks women don't belong on golf courses;    * Doesn't like wearing black tie but does it because it makes The Wife happy;

* Never, ever raises his voice to the valet parker at the club;    * Is on the Atkins diet;    * Wonders if his son's girlfriend thinks he's "cute";    * Claims to go to Rachel's Steakhouse "for the food";

* Always goes in person rather than sending his secretary to buy birthday gifts for family members;    * Knows a lot about wine and has an extensive wine cellar, but prefers to drink Scotch;    * Hopes that women's fire-engine red lipstick comes back in style soon;    * Wonders if anybody knows about his extramarital affair (everybody knows); and    * Reads the gossip column every week but never, ever admits it.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Daily News: A certain attitude and way of doing things marks genuine Palm Beacher