The Chuck E. Cheese animatronic band is being phased out. Thanks a lot, Joe Biden.

Just when you thought President Joe Biden’s America couldn’t get any worse, this happens: Chuck E. Cheese locations across the country are phasing out their signature animatronic band.

Real American patriots have, for years, taken their kids to Chuck E. Cheese for pizza, games, a chance to win prizes and the opportunity to witness and be forever haunted by Munch’s Make Believe Band, a not-at-all creepy group fronted by a giant mouse and an equally giant chicken whose jerky, robotic motions and sporadic blinking seem totally cool and normal.

Now the New York Times (which I DO NOT read because it’s a liberal rag) is reporting that the band “will be phased out at all but two of the chain’s more than 400 locations in the United States: one in Los Angeles and another in Nanuet, N.Y.”

Clearly, Joe Biden is to blame for the failure of the Chuck E. Cheese band

As anyone who listens to right-wing podcasts all day while feeling irrationally angry knows, everything bad is Biden's fault.

I can't think of a better example of that make-believe fact than the shocking dissolution of Munch's Make Believe Band.

The lies of Trump: Trump's followers believe his every lie. But if he was a real alpha-male, he'd lie BIGGER.

Chuck E. Cheese's chief executive is calling it the chain’s “most aggressive transformation.”

That’s a polite way of saying, “CROOKED JOE BIDEN FORCED US TO GET RID OF OUR BAND BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT AMERICANS TO FEEL JOY, AND ALSO BECAUSE OF WOKENESS!!!”

The media keeps covering for Biden by relying on 'facts'

The mainstream media, of course, won’t blame Biden for the demise of Munch’s Make Believe Band, claiming there’s no evidence or even a logical connection between the president and a restaurant chain. That’s the media’s No. 1 trick — use “facts” to avoid saying what I want to hear.

It’s the same way news organizations claim violent crime has dropped considerably, relying on stupid data that shows violent crime has dropped considerably. They totally ignore the vibes I and other Fox News viewers are feeling, vibes that prove unequivocally that crime is way up because Biden has turned the country into a dangerous hellscape.

Stocks keep hitting record highs, which is not what I was promised

Consider this Wednesday headline from CNN: “S&P 500, Nasdaq and Dow all hit record highs after encouraging inflation data.”

Yeah, right. FAKE NEWS! I have been told repeatedly by none other than PRESIDENT Donald Trump that Biden has tanked the economy. I was assured Biden getting elected would cause the stock market to collapse. And now you expect me to believe none of that was true simply because that’s not at all what’s happening?

The cicadas are coming. Frustrated Americans should join them by screaming, too.

Gimme a break.

The bottom line is Biden is to blame for everything

As a compassionate conservative who believes all liberals should be imprisoned because they’re heathens devoted to transforming America into a Marxist, socialist, communist nanny state, I’ll be damned if I’m not going to connect Biden to everything I view as bad.

And nothing’s more bad than seeing the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic bands go the way of the dodo. We have a God-given right to celebrate our children’s birthdays in a place that will convince them giant robot animals are both real and probably coming to get them.

I will NOT let Biden deny me the chance to permanently scar my kids by exposing them to unnecessarily horrifying performances while eating objectively terrible pizza.

Shame on you, Joe Biden, for forcing me to deny reality and believe you are responsible for the collapse of one of our greatest American traditions.

Hopefully, Trump will focus his campaign on bringing back Munch’s Make Believe Band.

Make Chuck E. Cheese Great Again!

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Chuck E. Cheese animatronic band is getting cancelled. Thanks Biden.