The Celebrity Apprentice recap: 'Blown Away'

Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

I’m angry, people. Really angry. Like, Lisa Lampanelli-type angry. I was going to try and be professional and not let my personal beef get in the way of performing a serviceable recap, but I just can’t hold it in any longer, so here it is. DAMN YOU, ROBBIE MYERS! TAKE A HIKE, ELLE MAGAZINE! You know, I don’t ask for a lot in life, but here I am dedicating my weekends to a television show about D-list celebrities extolling the virtues of touch screen hair dryers, and for what? To watch Robbie Myers swoop in and steal all the glory?

I remember a few years back when they put the contestants through a country music project that involved them having to deal with interviews by an entertainment journalist. And who performed the interviews? My arch nemesis Cynthia Sanz from People magazine! (True, I had no idea who she was before the episode aired, but as soon as Sanz got to log serious Celebrity Apprentice minutes, she became my immediate arch nemesis.) Granted, the woman has hardcore credentials as a country music writer and the only time I ever wrote about country music was to describe the time Kenny Chesney forced me to get wasted on homemade moonshine.

So maybe I wasn’t exactly “qualified” or “knowledgeable” on the subject. Perhaps I wouldn’t really “know” what I was “talking about.” So the hell what? It’s not like any of the actual contestants on this show are qualified, so I think I would have fit right in. I was about as jealous as jealous can be (Side note: I took my daughter Violet to a Taylor Swift concert last year and who did I end up sitting right next to? Cynthia Sanz! I briefly considered taking her down somewhere in between “You Belong with Me” and “Love Story” but restrained myself so that my poor daughter wouldn’t have to see daddy taken away in handcuffs. SAAAAANNNNNZZZZZZZZ!!!)

Now, here comes Ms. Fancy Pants Robbie Myers. Not only does she get to appear on the best television show in the history of television. Not only does she get to judge a task. But she gets to hang out with the ultimate pimp daddy — Farouk Shami! This is the biggest travesty of all. Farouk and I would have totally hit it off. I don’t know if he would have had to carry around a bucket to collect his rivers of drool like he did whenever in the presence of Aubrey O’Day, but we would have had a major bromance. I can just picture Farouk and I chillin’, drinking Dom Perignon out of our matching red leather cowboy boots, and making million dollar bets about who can score Amanda’s the receptionist’s digits. Before it was all said and done, he would have personally financed our own buddy cop movie titled Farouk Assault. (It would have tanked at the box office and nobody would have gotten the Willa Wonka pun in the title, but it totally could find a second life as a cult favorite on DVD.)

I know, I know, doing a four-page hair dryer spread in Entertainment Weekly makes no sense, but that won’t stop me from being supremely jealous. (I’m not even talking to my wife now because she used to be the Editor-in-Chief of Elle Girl magazine and I therefore now consider her guilty by association.) It also won’t stop me from presenting my five favorite things about this week’s episode. And off we go!

NEXT: Aubrey has a big admirer…other than herself

1. Farouk and Aubrey sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

The contestants were thrown when they discovered there were actually two tasks this week. The first was for them to create a four-page spread for the Chi Touch hair dryer from Farouk Systems. The second task was for Farouk Shami to win Aubrey O’Days hand in marriage. Trump’s no dummy. He could see the way the Palestinian-born business mogul was ogling the Playboy model. “Farouk, Aubrey has gotten more and more beautiful as the weeks have gone by,” said Trump as if he were a pimp showcasing his fine line of hos available for hourly rental.

“Nice hair,” cooed Farouk, “Is that a Chi color?”

“It’s all real,” responded Aubrey, in perhaps the most blatant lie of all time.

“Alllllllllllllright,” panted Faruk, who may or may not have just had an orgasm right then and there.

This set the tone for the entire project. Aubrey and Farouk’s second date was just as magical as their first, with the hair care titan complimenting her locks and then her eyes. (Arsenio didn’t blame him: “If she wasn’t such a bitch I’d be into Aubrey.”) By the end of their meeting, Shami was threatening to move from Houston to L.A. just to get closer to his new love. Or perhaps they were having a big sale there on red leather cowboy boots. One can never know. Not only that, but he totally got to first base, planting a wet sloppy kiss on Aubrey’s face. SCORE!

It was time to seal the deal on date number 3. Did you see Farouk perk up the second Aubrey entered the room for Unanimous’ presentation? Little did he realize that Aubrey was about to provide the ultimate money shot — a big picture of herself! “

Huh, Farouk, you like that one?” she asked while displaying herself in the Chi ad. “That one’s me!”

“Looks lovely,” marveled Farouk, already daydreaming of the ultimate Shami–O’Day merger…if you know what I’m talking about. (Sex. I’m talking about sex.)

2. The Real Negotiator of New Jersey

I want to be absolutely clear: What happened in the negotiations for models between Project Managers Lisa and Teresa had no bearing on who won or lost the task. But damn it was fun to watch. To set the scene, Teresa was instructed — and instructed is the right word because Teresa was Project Manager in name only, making absolutely no decisions whatsoever — to get a redhead and a shaggy haired dude no matter what. Lisa didn’t care what models they got. But once Teresa started right off by revealing she desired the redhead, Lisa knew she could sabotage the rest of her lineup.

Once Lisa started playing hardball, Teresa was completely out of her league. Not only does Teresa not know how to play hardball, I’m not even sure she knows how to spell hardball. Halfway through the negotiation I half-expected her to just start yelling out “MONSTERS!” for no reason. So naturally Teresa had to run back to Aubrey and ask what she should do. “Tell her we’ll take the guy and the redhead and she can kiss our ass,” answered Aubrey.

NEXT: Trump delivers a harsh assessment

So back went Teresa and back Lisa went to using and abusing her (in a negotiating sense), telling the Jersey girl that she had to take the dude with the crew cut if she wanted Alice the redhead. Teresa agreed to the deal to the chagrin of her teammates. “We got duped, man,” rued Arsenio. “She got one man with almost as little hair as me. It’s a hair dyer. We need hair!” It was painfully clear that Teresa knew she had been taken as well due to how much she kept obsessing over and badmouthing her adversary later while in the van. “Lisa Lampanelli, you messed with the wrong person,” she promised, even though all the evidence points to the fact that Lisa messed with exactly the right person. She couldn’t have pulled that off against Aubrey or Arsenio.

Also, it should be pointed out here that while Lisa definitely went overboard with her personal attacks against Dayana, nothing she did was out of line here. She out-negotiated Teresa plain and simple. A view shared by pretty much everyone on the show, including Donald Trump, whose first words in the Boardroom were “Teresa, did Lisa play you for a fool?” Teresa was out of her league, but truthfully has been out of her league all season. In perhaps his most damning comment, Trump then said this to the woman he allowed to make it all the way to final five: “You know, as a Project Manager you are a liability. You do understand that?” Teresa’s answer: “Yeah, no, I know that.”

Then why was she still on the show? Amazing. Well, she’s wasn’t still on the show for long as Trump fired her, an end result we all knew was coming even before the task began.

3. Aubrey Has The Perfect Model in Mind

Did anyone seriously think there would be a big photo shoot without Aubrey starring in it? PUH-LEEZE! I did, however, love the conversation that led to her inclusion:

Aubrey: “Do you want me to do it?”

Teresa: “What?”

Aubrey; “Be the redhead?”

Teresa: “Whatever you want.”

No, Teresa, it’s whatever you want. You’re the Project Manager! So after all that arguing and drama about getting the redhead model, they ditched her just like that so Aubrey could play dress up. “Even though we fought for the redheaded model, I decided to be the model,” explained Aubrey. “Do I want to be in the ad? Hell yeah!”

Then it was left for Teresa to explain to Alice the model that they didn’t even want her when she showed up. “Next time, tell me before,” responded Alice. The best part of this entire sequence is that Teresa and Aubrey then made it seem like it was the model’s fault because her hair was not as red in person as in the photos — even though they had already replaced her before she even showed up!

NEXT: Amanda enters the lion’s den

Of course, Alice would not have been half the model Aubrey was. Would Alice have sat there and casually picked out dresses with her ta-tas hanging out? Would Alice have multitasked by giving orders to the photographers while simultaneously complimenting herself with comments like ‘You know what, guys? I think we should get as tight a shot as we can because he told me I have pretty eyes?” And would Alice have looked like she was having sex with herself during the shoot by blow-drying her own boobs? Plus, need I remind you, Alice has never been on Elle’s Worst Dressed list. Clearly, her credentials were lacking when compared to Aubrey’s. Then again, aren’t everyone’s?

4. Amanda Enters The Boardroom

One thing I don’t like so much about Celebrity Apprentice is that once you get down in contestants, people are no longer bringing other people back into the Boardroom, and that drastically cuts down on the screen time for everyone’s favorite phony baloney receptionist, Amanda Miller. Without being able to tell people “Mr. Trump will see you now,” what else is there left for her to do but nod and wave sympathetically to fired D-listers? For a woman with so much range, this seems like a travesty. (Speaking of travesties, if you have not yet checked out our exclusive podcast interview with Amanda — in which she reveals everything from what she is writing in that little notebook to which celebrities have tried to hit on her — then that is the biggest travesty of all. You need to pause for the cause and do that immediately.)

But just as I was mourning Amanda’s lack of screen time, the phone rang while the remaining four celebrities were celebrating in their suite. Clay answered and who was on the other line? Only the most charming and delightful voice you’ve ever heard in your entire life! “Mr. Trump would like you back in the Boardroom now,” Amanda informed him. Not only that, but SHE THEN WALKED THEM IN! That’s right, the gatekeeper of the Boardroom actually stepped foot into that hallowed and harrowing rectangle of doom herself.

On one hand, I was thrilled for Amanda to get these increased responsibilities and clear vote of confidence from the Trumps. But a small part of me also worried — who’s covering the phones?!? Adrian the elevator operator? Well, then, who’s covering the elevator?!? The trickle-down effect on this could be enormous. The entire Trump Organization could come tumbling down and brought to its knees. Get back, Amanda! Hurry! And watch out for those gold scissors. They can leave a nasty mark if not handled properly.

NEXT: Only on Celebrity Apprentice does Fidel Castro get a shout-out

5. The Triumphant Return of Jack Jason!

Only one person in the entire world could possibly upstage Amanda Miller, and that person is Jack Jason — the most animated and enthusiastic sign language interpreter I have ever seen in my entire life. (To be fair, I don’t go around grading sign language interpreters for a living — although how awesome a living would that be?)

This week, Jack was back! The pint-sized package of hilarity was accompanying Marlee Matlin, who, along with John Rich, was going to grill the final four contestants. And I wasn’t the only one excited about Double J’s return: “Nice to see you too, Jack,” said Trump upon his arrival. (Okay, it’s not exactly Farouk Shami mentally undressing Aubrey O’Day, but still…)

It was great to see Jack back on TV, and my old podcast buddies Marlee and John as well. Marlee mostly peppered the final four with questions about their character and their respective charities. This led Aubrey to brag about all the amazing people she had worked with, like “Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Fidel Castro…” [Insert record scratching noise here.] Say whaaaaaaa? Fidel Castro? Exactly what kind of charitable endeavors was she talking part in with Fidel Freakin’ Castro? Well, at least we do know she considers him “a brilliant man.” Hitler too.

Marlee’s best moment was talking about how loud Lisa Lampanelli was and that “even being deaf, I can hear her.” John Rich, on the other hand, was a total hard-ass. He roasted Aubrey for saying she had hundreds of thousands of dollars waiting to go to her charity, filleted Clay Aiken for saying he still hadn’t given his best yet (even though JR basically entrapped him into that answer), and told Arsenio Hall he didn’t look tired enough. It was all a little absurd — and wonderful.

When all was said and done, Lisa was fired, and shockingly went out with nary a hissy fit along the way. No screaming. No cursing. No crying. Then again, there was no task to pin blame on others, and no changing Trump’s mind, which was clearly already made up. The woman was even smiling when she left. She hugged Adrian the elevator operator for crissakes!

But there is one more firing still to come. Whom will it be? Clay? Arsenio? Aubrey? We’ll have to wait until next week to find out. But you don’t have to wait to hear from the recently eliminated Lisa Lampanelli. Check out my interview with the roaster to see what she has to say now about Dayana, Aubrey, and who she thinks deserves to win. And for more Celebrity Apprentice inanity and insanity, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Now it’s your turn? Were the right people fired? Who’s going next? And what exactly would a Farouk and Aubrey love child look like? Hit the message boards to let us know. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!