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Cara Delevingne Recalls Feeling "Shame" and "Self-Hatred" Over Her Sexuality

Cydney Contreras
·3 min read
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Cara Delevingne may be open about her sexuality now, but she tells Gwyneth Paltrow that she wasn't always comfortable in her own skin.

On The goop Podcast, the Suicide Squad actress recalls growing up in an "old-fashioned household" where same sex relationships weren't discussed openly or in a positive connotation. As Cara puts it, "I didn't know anyone who was gay, or I didn't know that was a thing. Actually, I think growing up I was quite—not noticeably or I wasn't knowledgeable of the fact that I was probably quite homophobic."

"The idea of being same sex anything, I was disgusted by that in myself, I was like, 'Oh my god. Oh I could never! That's disgusting!'" she explains. "So, learning and growing up and realizing that maybe I had a best friend when I was a kid who actually I liked more than they liked me, but not realizing that that's what that was."

It's for this reason the 28-year-old Brit says she felt a lot of "shame" and "self-hatred" during that time in her life.

Cara Delevingne's Best Looks

"I do kind of correlate the kind of massive depression and the suicidal kind of moments of my life because I was so ashamed of ever being that," she reflects, "but actually that was the part of me that I love so much and I accept it."

Cara Delevingne, Rihanna's Savage X Fenty Show Vol. 2
Cara Delevingne, Rihanna's Savage X Fenty Show Vol. 2

Even so, the model, who previously dated Ashley Benson, says, "There is still a part of me where I'm like, 'Oh I really I wish I could just be straight.' There is still that side to it."

Cara acknowledges it's "really complicated," but credits her past partners and relationships, even the non-sexual ones, for teaching her about "self-discovery."

Likewise, the Carnival Row actress learned a lot about herself through modeling. Though Cara had a lot of success in the profession, she shares that she left the industry because she was "so unhappy and I wasn't following my truth."

"That whole thing of just having to fit into the box that feminine," the star explains. "For me, I'm quite, I'm an androgynous person definitely but like I love being a woman and dressing up and doing all of that but I also love, just like being a bit of a rough and tumble."

Cara Delevingne, Models, Chanel, Paris Fashion Week
Cara Delevingne, Models, Chanel, Paris Fashion Week

She says she eventually realized modeling wasn't right for her, recalling, "The more I began to believe that my own instincts were right, that actually you can kind of take a step back from certain situations and really follow your heart, follow your gut, the more I kind of was able to have faith in those decisions I was making."

That being said, the model-turned-actress admits, "I don't know what I'm doing. No one does most of the time."

If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).