Britain’s Got Talent: the dancing dogs can’t compete with the backstage backstabbing
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Perhaps they should change its name to Britain’s Got Talons. The catty behaviour behind the judges’ desk is far more entertaining than events onstage. Who cares about the boring old acts? Let’s have televised handbags at dawn between the overpaid panellists.
As Britain’s Got Talent (ITV1) rolled around again, Simon Cowell and co must have wondered how to drum up pre-launch publicity. A fatigued franchise staggering into its 17th series is hardly hype-worthy. Happily, you can’t beat good old-fashioned gossip when it comes to clocking up column inches. A cynic might suspect that Cowell had planned it this way.
Recent weeks have seen an unseemly but enjoyably camp feud break out between BGT stalwart Amanda Holden (she of the daring frocks and immovable face) and former X Factor judge Sharon Osbourne (she of the red hair and, well, immovable face). I can sense your eyes rolling, but bear with me.
It all stems from ITV’s recent reboot of Celebrity Big Brother, on which Osbourne and her former colleague, Louis Walsh, merrily trash-talked all manner of famous types. Osbourne claimed Cowell had once reneged on an obligation, meaning she missed out on a lucrative gig. She said the media mogul “doesn’t know how to keep friends”, adding that he’d “dressed the same for three decades”. She had a point, sartorially at least.
Holden has been a fixture on the variety franchise since its inception, reinvigorating her career in the process, and so she loyally leapt to Cowell’s defence. She compared the pair to Cinderella’s wicked stepsisters, telling a tabloid: “I hated seeing certain people on a reality show disrespecting Simon. He’s given them chances, a lot of money and a lifestyle they probably wouldn’t have had. It’s bitter and pathetic. Just be gracious.”
Within hours, Osbourne hit back in a scathing two-page open letter, branding Holden an “ill-informed sycophantic” and listing her achievements in the music industry as proof that her success isn’t down to Cowell. She boasted about her wealth, before noting with a straight face that “discussing money is classless and crude”.
Best of all were the barbed asides: “Unlike you, I don’t work in radio or pantomime… Unlike you, my brand is known worldwide. Yes, Simon paid me very well. Probably more than what you’re receiving today but all of that, my darling, went on a few handbags.” Miaow. Saucer of milk, madam?
Throw in the David Walliams kerfuffle – the divisive comedian departed the panel after his “disrespectful comments” about contestants were leaked, before suing the production team for breach of privacy – and BGT has become less of a talent search than a behind-the-scenes soap opera.
All of which added extra spice to this year’s curtain-raiser. True to form, it immediately placed the judges centre stage. Opening act Rask AI used deepfake technology to superimpose the panel’s faces onto characters from The Greatest Showman. Cowell, Holden, Alesha Dixon and Bruno Tonioli found it hysterical. The rest of us rather less so.
Thankfully, proceedings soon picked up. The golden buzzer, sending hopefuls straight through to the live semi-finals, was pressed not once but twice – for Adele-esque singer Sydnie Christmas’s spine-tingling rendition of Tomorrow from Annie and for South Korean taekwondo troupe Ssaulabi’s eye-popping martial arts display. One feared the series had peaked prematurely.
In between came the usual parade of eccentrics. Where else would you see a forgetful goldfish performing stand-up comedy, a retired teacher playing a teapot like a trumpet, a quartet of dancing dogs, and a woman burping an Abba hit? Surely only in a cheese-fuelled fever dream. It was almost enough to eclipse the judgely dust-up but not quite. Let’s hope ITV are already working on the juicy backstage docudrama.
