Brandon Donlon explains his panic attack on “Survivor” “45”: 'I felt my body shut down'

Brandon Donlon was mere minutes into his dream coming true of appearing on his favorite TV show Survivor, when the magnitude of the moment came crashing down upon him. Brandon suffered a panic attack in the opening challenge while trying to climb a ladder up onto a barge, and that set the tone for a difficult five-day run for the content producer from Sicklerville, N.J.

Brandon had more difficulties in challenges — including trouble getting up a ramp in the first immunity contest, mismatching tiles in his journey test, and then flailing in a coral puzzle to send his Lulu tribe back to Tribal Council. When they got there, his tribemates considered Brandon the team's biggest liability and voted him out of the game.

We chatted with the second person to exit Survivor 45 the morning after his televised ouster to get the inside scoop on what we didn't see on TV surrounding his panic attack. We also found out why he didn't open the Beware Advantage, what happened on the final puzzle, and his strategy for his last stand at Tribal Council. And Brandon talked about the one Survivor milestone he most regrets missing out on. You can watch the entire interview above or read it below.

Robert Voets/CBS Brandon Donlon on 'Survivor 45'

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Okay, Brandon: What's the over-under on how many times you will cry during this interview?

BRANDON DONLON: You know what? We can't stop now. We cried a lot last night and this morning. I made the mistake of checking Twitter after the episode last week, which was a bad move. I checked Twitter a little bit this morning and from everything I've seen, I'm just like 30 seconds in. I can't believe it. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And to have people that would call this a worst-case scenario — people would say, this is like a bummer of a situation — I cannot stress enough: This is everything that I've ever wanted and I'm so beyond happy. It's great.

So, you didn't want to risk your vote with the Beware Advantage, but then later that same day, you did risk — and lose — your vote on the journey. What gives?

It wasn't even the same day. It was like two hours! It was an hour and a half. I wanted to do the Beware Advantage thing from when I saw the Beware Advantages in Survivor 41, 42, and 43. I wanted to hand them out. I wanted to just find one and then pawn it off and see if somebody opened it. My biggest accomplishment in Survivor is that I got to do something that I had dreamed of doing when I watched it on TV. I am super [results oriented]. It didn't work out, but it was super fun. It was super cool to do.

And then I see the puzzle game at the journey. I don't think for a second that I'm not going to win that. It's a game for babies! It's a matching game. I do not perform well under pressure, and I think that a lot of my challenge performance — although abysmal, not good, even on a good day — I think a lot of it was just I'm not good under pressure. I am actively not good under pressure.

It was the timer of it all and it was the matching — I never went back to see if the matches were correct. There were six possible combinations with the three tiles that I had, so I did those combinations and then my brain was just like, "Oh, maybe you missed one." So I just kept going through the same six, and then I lost my vote. I was batting a thousand. I'm watching the episode, I'm like, "Oh, I'm doing great!" And then "Oh, this is where the tide turns."

What was your plan going into Tribal Council?

My goal was to have Emily play her Shot in the Dark, and then she told me that she wasn't going to do it. I did not know that she had already given it to Sabiyah at the time, but my plan was to try to out-talk Emily.

Emily was going to leave at that first Tribal Council. So my goal was just to out-talk Emily, which ultimately didn't happen, but that was my goal once we got there, as opposed to doing anything flashy. I was just going to present my case and hope that Emily, as she was speaking, tanked herself.

Robert Voets/CBS Sean Edwards, Hannah Rose, and Brandon Donlon on 'Survivor 45'

What did you think your chances were going into that Tribal as you walked in? What did you think was going to happen?

I knew it was more than halfway me, but it was not down and out. The check hadn't been written yet. For me, there was a chance. And then once at Tribal Council, I got immediate pushback from Sean for a question, immediate pushback from Sabiyah for a question. And so I didn't have a vote and I knew Emily was guaranteed voting for me. We know the two people that are potentially going to leave. Emily's voting for me. Kaleb, I wasn't sure about, but when Sean had given me pushback on some questions, and then Sabiyah also, even though she didn't have a vote — I figured a decision may have been made.

So my answer at the end when Jeff asks what it meant for me to be here, I gave that answer knowing that it was probably my last time there. And I've wondered after doing it if I should have leaned into "This isn't it and I'm hoping to be here," but I would've regretted for the rest of my life not saying exactly what I got to say there in my final piece. So that is one of my proudest parts. Listen, you ask me to do anything with hands or running or swimming, whatever — not the best. But I can talk. I can give a good speech and I'm very proud of that.

And then as viewers, we kind of knew that was probably it for you once they aired that thing. Okay, let's talk about the ladder. We saw you have that panic attack during the marooning challenge. First of all, just for those of us who have never experienced a panic attack, can you walk us through what it felt like and what was going on while you were on that ladder?

Yeah, so me and Sean jump off the boat. We're swimming, batting a thousand in the swimming. We get in the boat, we paddle back faster than anybody... and I've watched this now a hundred times. It seems as though I grabbed onto the rung that everybody else stepped on. So my balance was off. And granted, it has a lot to do with upper body strength also. I'm not saying that those critiques are not unfounded. I'm with you.

But because I was wonky on the ladder and my weight was distributed weirdly, I couldn't grip on and I fell. And I'm telling you, getting up there from the base of the bottom of the ladder, wet clothes, already exhausted — it is very, very hard. And it was the knowing that I was losing it for the tribe, it was hearing Jeff right there yelling at me, hearing my whole tribe ask, "Where's Brandon?"

And I'm telling you, I pull with all of the muscle that I have — which, admittedly, not a ton — but I'm pulling with everything that I have and I'm not moving an inch. And that made me panic. I felt my body shut down. And the panic attacks that I've had, my hands freeze up. So Sean comes down, and we do the really beautiful handholding shot. He gets me up there and then I get to the mat and I black out. I have no memory beyond kind of getting up past the thing there.

And now it's a weird phantom thing. Now that I've seen it so many times, I feel like I remember it. But I was laying there for quite a bit. And again, you don't want to open like that. I've seen even the 44 opening challenge and Carolyn can't get the ring up the big pole and I'm like, "Oh, that is not great. You don't want to go back to your camp with that." This is that times a thousand.

So it was all of the things where it's just like: Oh, this is my biggest nightmare coming true. This is exactly what you hope doesn't happen. I would venture to say maybe the worst day-one opening that you can get in the history of the program. But you know what? We truck through. My way of coping is by making jokes, and I loved my little, "I'm going to sit out of sweat." A contextual joke is just like a chef's kiss to me, so it worked out for the best. I went back and told everybody, "Hey, I had a panic attack. It's a thing that happens to me, but we'll press forward and we'll hang out for a little bit and, hopefully, we forget about it."

Robert Voets/CBS Sean Edwards, Brandon Donlon, Janani “J” Krishnan-Jha, and Julie Alley on 'Survivor 45'

You mentioned that you blacked out there, so you may not really know, but I'm sure a lot more went down that didn't make it to air. Tell us what we didn't see about that whole process when you were recovering and medical was checking you out.

So there was a 45-minute long medical visit. I mean, as a superfan, you get to meet Dr. Joe! He's a great doctor. The Survivor medical team was beyond helpful for me, and I have heard secondhand that Dr. Joe had said, "Brandon is in no physical danger, but he's having a panic attack and that is making him feel like he is in quite a bit of danger."

Jeff was asking me Survivor trivia questions to calm me down, which was very nice. He asked me at one point, "Who's the biggest villain in Survivor history?" And I said, "The ladder." And it was the first words that I had said, and everybody cracked up again. I didn't hear it. I wish I could have heard it because apparently it it killed.

So then I was down for a little bit, and then eventually I got up, they got me water. In the theme song, they show a clip of somebody getting water poured in their mouth. That's this guy! So it's super, super cool, but I cannot commend the medical team there enough. Immediately getting situated and coming back into reality, I knew that I was in really good hands.

Let's jump ahead to the last puzzle that may have sealed your fate. What happened on that puzzle? Sabiyah seemed pretty frustrated with you during that.

I think there were a couple of things. I was much worse than Sabiyah on the puzzle. I'm not saying that Sabiyah and I were equally bad at the puzzle. I think we were both frustrated because we could hear the other tribes making a ton of progress. And I felt a lot of that because I had said I was the puzzle guy. And then you have both the other teams who have puzzle people on their teams who are really good at the puzzles.

I was hoping that I would do a lot better, but I'm telling you: It's performance anxiety. I put together puzzles like everybody did before we left. I can do it in the comfort of my home, but the clip of me shoving a piece and just seeing if this works — oh my God! I mean, I am mentally somewhere else.

We wanted it so bad, and we had a little bit of a lead. I think that getting back to camp after that is the most dejected I've ever felt. And again, the challenge performance, I went going in knowing I'm not Jonathan Young. I'm really not anything. The other side of the spectrum is much lower. But that particular challenge, I don't know how it was that bad. And that's a hard puzzle. It's a really, really hard puzzle. I commend the other folks on the other tribes who got it done, but we couldn't get it done. We is a strong word.

Robert Voets/CBS Sabiyah Broderick and Brandon Donlon on 'Survivor 45'

You got on Survivor, you got to compete in challenges, you got to go on a journey, you found an advantage, you got your torch snuffed. Besides winning, what's the one other Survivor milestone you wish you had gotten to experience?

Kendra came to our camp and the first Tribal Council, which was super nice. They cut it out of the episode, just because I'm sure there was a ton going on. I would've liked to have just met the other people on the boat. I'm saying I'm with my family and I only got to meet six people in the family. I got to meet Bruce and Drew on the journey, which was super cool. I know that I'm with 17 of the most interesting people in the world. I've been saying this whole time, I have no idea how I get so lucky to hang with these people that are so beyond brilliant and funny and intelligent. You can't get better people. My group is the best people you ever will meet in your life. I wish I got to spend more time with them on the island for sure.

What have the past five months been like for you in terms of knowing this was all going to air? Has it been excitement? Has it been a little bit nervous in terms of knowing how that was going to be received? That's the weird thing about Survivor. You live it all, then you have to live it all again months later.

This is the question that's going to make me cry potentially. I was good when I got back. I was super good. The past month has been pretty rough. And again, I'm not giving credence to anybody who's sending hate online. The past week has been very, very rough. I didn't think people cared about the challenges so much, but you get a guy who's not good in the challenges in there, oh my God.

But knowing all of this was going to air and then having it air…. I mean, this morning I feel so free. I feel this weight is off my shoulders. I can be myself. I can do this. This is what I'm good at. And talking with people about the show and being so excited, they're so excited for me and knowing in the back of my mind that it doesn't go the way that everybody's hoping that it goes for me. But now just being able to say, I lived what you just saw, and I'm still just the happiest that I've ever been.

I cannot stress enough: I got exactly what I wanted. I can't believe I did it. I can't believe that I got to do it. You would say this is an unsuccessful run. But the best part of this for me was that I have friends from elementary school and high school, and when I worked at Panera Bread in college, and people that I went to college with, and past jobs who are all watching Survivor for me. And they've texted me and they're like, "Oh, you were right. This is really good. It's the best show on TV." And if they keep watching after episode 3, beyond where I'm not there, that's why I did this. I want people to know this is the coolest show in the world, and again, I can't believe I got to do it. So right now, to answer your question — it's been rough, but this is worth it. I would do it a hundred more times to feel what I feel right now. I can't tell you how great this is.

Robert Voets/CBS Brandon Donlon of 'Survivor 45'

Finally, what's something that happened out there that didn't make it to air, but sticks with you as memorable or important about your journey?

Let me talk about the journey. When I was on the journey, I'm so excited. I'm looking at the little box, the combination box. I'm like, "I'm going to open this box." All the production folks are there, and I don't open the box. And I am looking at them and I'm like, "Can I please just open it? I don't need what's in it. I won't read what's in it. I just want to know that I can open it."

So for a second, they're sitting there and they're like, "Yeah, open the box." So I find the correct thing, and I got to pull the thing. I never opened it. I don't know what was in it. I don't ever need to know what was in it. But I got to open the box on Survivor. They knew how badly I wanted to open that box, and I got to Tyson that. I think it's the final four immunity challenge of Blood vs. Water — he yanks the thing. I got to yank the thing. And it was on a technicality. It doesn't count for anything. But when you go to Survivor, you want to open the box. Then I got to open the box.

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