What Are Your Least Favorite Christmas Movies?
Over the next 48-72 hours, "A Christmas Story" will be shown approximately 74,239 times. That it has become the quintessential American Christmas movie would have stunned anyone involved in its production, or anyone who saw it during its initial theatrical run in 1983. The film was roundly mocked upon its release -- New York Times film critic Vincent Camby wrote, "there are a number of small, unexpectedly funny moments in 'A Christmas Story,' but you have to possess the stamina of a pearl diver to find them" -- and it was considered a financial disappointment unlikely to ever find much of an audience. Many believe the sour critical response was because of the film's director, Bob Clark, whose previous two films had been sex "comedies" "Porky's" and "Porky's 2: The Next Day."
We mention "A Christmas Story," and the initial lukewarm reaction to it to illustrate the strange love/hate relationship we have with Christmas movies. One person's beloved classic is another person's hokum. (It speaks well to our national character that "A Christmas Story," the universally accepted Best Christmas Movie, is so cynical and wry.) Christmas is a season that brings out both our most sentimental and our most caustic sides. It's probably because we spend so much time with our families. At the same dinner table, one family member might adore the saccharine of "It's A Wonderful Life," and another might appreciate the bile of "Bad Santa." That is what families are all about.
To this end, to try to help resolve the What Makes A Good Christmas Movie dilemma, esteemed Time film critic Richard Corliss put together the 10 Worst Christmas Movies. Some of the picks ("Ernest Saves Christmas," "Fred Claus") are obvious ones, but he also takes down some accepted classics, particularly "Miracle On 34th Street," which he calls a "ordinary little parable."
Ordinary little parables, though, are what many of us love over the holidays: In a way, that's precisely what "A Christmas Story" is. (The lesson of the movie is ultimately "Christmas is about family, not presents.") These parables don't necessarily have to be positive or heartwarming; if you come away from "Bad Santa" feeling warm and fuzzy, we recommend you see your primary care physician immediately. That doesn't mean it can't be your favorite Christmas movie.
That's sort of the point of Christmas movies. Christmas is one of the few collectively shared experiences in America, even if it's not a day you celebrate. It takes all kinds. Our favorite Christmas movies tell us a lot about ourselves; we're a fan of the gothic doom of Alastair Sim's portrayal of Scrooge in 1951's "A Christmas Carol." But we're old school like that. Maybe "Elf" is your thing. Maybe "Home Alone" is. Maybe your new family favorite will be the just-released "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale," which is a Finnish film about a murderous Santa monster let loose to kill in the Arctic North. Though if that's your family's favorite, remind us to make sure to carve the turkey ourselves.
There's one Christmas movie, though, that we can't believe Corliss left off his list, because it's not just the worst Christmas movie of all time, it's one of the worst movies of all time. It's 1998's "Jack Frost," which starred Michael Keaton as a musician dad who is killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. One year later, thanks to a magic harmonica, his spirit returns in the body of a snowman who teaches life lessons to his now-fatherless son. If this sounds touching, we assure you, it is not, and that's mostly because of the film's absolutely terrifying special effects. That is to say: This was a would-be holiday heartwarmer that is absolutely guaranteed to scare the bejeezuses out of your entire family, children or otherwise. Check this snowman out:
That's an excellent invitation to a Christmas nightmare. In fact, the Keaton Snowman Dad was so frightening that for the film's sequel, producers went ahead and stopped pretending: They just made it a horror film.
"This time: Hell has frozen over!" Merry Christmas, everyone, one and all.
