The Tao of Sami Brady: 7 Dating Tricks on 'Days of Our Lives' That Don't Work in Real Life

Believe it or not, the blond/mother of four/lover of many/repeat bride/paternity test enthusiast that soap fans love to hate (and love to love) is leaving "Days of Our Lives." After breathing life and venom for 21 years into the character deemed America's Favorite Villain in the 2001 Daytime Emmys, actress Alison Sweeney is leaving the show to spend more time with her real-life family. She will still have some drama in her life; Sweeney will continue witnessing weight loss meltdowns as the host of "The Biggest Loser."

[Photos: Alison Sweeney on 'Days of Our Lives']

During an appearance on "Ellen," Sweeney jokingly told host Ellen DeGeneres that "Sami probably deserves some sort of very twisted, like 'Breaking Bad,' ending."

It could happen. After all, Sami has done some really sick things in Salem. And what better time than now to recall Sami's shenanigans that you should never, ever try at home?

1. Trick him into thinking he's your sister.

Stay with us and try to focus: Teenage Sami had the hots for this wrestler, Austin. But then Austin started going out with Sami's sister Carrie. So Sami hooked up with Austin's brother, Lucas. Sami still liked Austin, so she drugged him, convinced him that she was her sister, and had sex with him. Then, she told him that she was pregnant with his baby. But then Austin found out that his brother Lucas was the real father. Honesty would be much less taxing, right?

2. Don't let the death penalty get you down.

Sami marries a guy to get him a green card, then goes to prison for murdering him on their wedding day. Yes, you read that correctly. She's just about to be put down when Salem's ever-reliable men in blue discover evidence that proves that Sami was framed by Lucas and his mother, Kate. Never give up hope, people. Never. Sami is free, a changed woman who devotes her life to helping others. Ha. No.

[Related: Juan Pablo's Anti-Gay Comments Don't Hurt 'The Bachelor' Ratings]

3. When being Sami is just too much to bear, become Stan.

This isn't the kind of transgender story that focuses on gender equality and respect for all people. No, this is called Sami dressing up in drag and dealing drugs, all in the need of revenge. Somehow, doing this leads to her getting back with Lucas. Clearly, it's one of those you-had-to-be-there scenarios.

4. Always forgive.

There is no easy way to talk about E.J., the racecar driver with a vaguely European accent and a penchant for guns. Fans were understandably horrified when he held Sami at gunpoint and forced her to have sex with him while holding Lucas hostage. And when E.J. later apologized, he referred to the act from that night as rape. Sami went on to have consensual sex with him and get pregnant. This seems like the right place to note that Sami, although not a girl's girl, might have benefited from a female friend at this particular moment in her life.

5. Faking paternity test results will only work for so many years in a small town.

When E.J. found out about Sami's pregnancy, he turned all warm, fuzzy, and apologetic for the bad things he did, because unexpected pregnancies always bring out the best in bad guys (in soap operas). Anyhow, Sami said that tests proved that the baby wasn't his, but E.J. knew her game (falsifying pregnancy tests), and she admitted that he was, indeed, the father.

6. Sleep with your bodyguard. Also, swapping babies is even more fun than swapping boyfriends.

Sami was in the Witness Protection Program (long story), and of course she had sex with her bodyguard, Rafe. Sami gave her new baby to her friend Nicole, who pretended the baby was hers. Meanwhile, Sami raised some other girl's baby and pretended it was the one she made with Rafe. Even Kevin Costner couldn't protect these people from themselves.

[Related: ‘Days of our Lives’ New Will Horton Speaks: First Interview With Guy Wilson]

7. Use your weapons, not your words.

Sami got locked up because she walked in on a knife-wielding guy trying to kill Rafe, who was in the hospital. Never one to condone bad behavior, Sami shot the intruder. The thing is, nobody can find the alleged knife, and the guy Sami shot is a policeman. This is why calling "Nurse!" is usually the right way to go.