Parks and Recreation is nearing its series finale, and while that means we're going to have to start seeing Dr. Richard Nygard or drown ourselves in a vat of Dennis Feinstein's Allergic for Men to end the pain, it also means we know exactly what the next two years are going to bring.
This is because the end of Season 6 shoots us into the near future of 2017 — a year in which Leslie gets bangs for a day (which magically disappear from the show, as do her three children). It is also a year of juicy celebrity gossip — most of which we learn from Tom and Donna, obviously.
Here's a rundown of all the soon-to-drop bombshells we've been forewarned about so far this season. The story to this story is that there are spoilers, as Perd would say.
1. Elton John bought Chick-fil-A.
You might not have guessed that Sir Elton would have bought the company famous for its fried chicken and anti-gay marriage stance after wedding his partner of 21 years, but apparently he did. We can only assume this was to quell a lifetime of longing for guilt-free waffle fries.
2. You can win a Pulitzer Prize for a listicle, and a Gwyneth wannabe does it... twice.
Annabel Porter, Pawnee's most famous non-horse resident, is the owner and operator of Bloosh, a lifestyle property that endorses bird bath salts and Champagne decanters. It almost out-Goops Goop in its love of the absurdly unattainable, but by the time we realize Russia is not prepared to host the 2018 World Cup, it will have won the Pulitzer Prize for Best Top Ten Listicle two years in a row.
3. Bruce Willis and Christina Aguilera are shacking up.
Tom and Donna bounce to Beverly Hills for "Treat Yo Self 2017" and go on a bus tour (really? Those two would get on a bus?) that stops by Bruce and Christina's new digs. No word on who Demi's dating.
4. Shailene Woodley and Morgan Freeman are engaged in an epic feud.
We have no idea what the girl from The Fault in Our Stars did to tick off the legendary actor, but it's possible the two got into it over her views of feminism. Regardless of the cause, Tom and Donna say their beef is bigger than Biggie and Tupac's, which is pretty good for a would-be octogenarian.
5. Game of Thrones ends with the Khaleesi marrying Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.
It's weird, but is it really any weirder than the rest of George R.R. Martin's stuff? Ben does say it makes sense if you read the books, which (fun fact) is not as fast as reading the Wikipedia entries about the books.
6. Kevin James and Will Smith both get movie franchises.
Will's (obviously) is the Hitch franchise, which gets a sequel with Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch, starring Jaden Smith. (We know this because Donna buys Tom the shoes Jaden wears in the film; see above.) And Kevin James is the next Jason Bourne because "Kevin James Bourne" is fun to say.
7. Shia LaBeouf designs wedding dresses, and they are not cheap.
We're guessing they come with optional paper bag veils to hide the bride. Also, LaBeouf would make a great replacement for Zac Posen on Project Runway.
What we don't know yet? We don't know who is President! And for a show this obsessed with politics, we can only assume this information will be revealed in the finale. So far, current VP Joe Biden is out, as he is pursuing his passion for poetry with Biden the Rails: 1001 Poems Inspired by My Travels Through Amtrak's Northeast Corridor. But it's anyone else's game.
Parks and Recreation airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on NBC.