It's week five and we're finally on the road, rose lovers. Team Bachelor knows the way to Santa Fe, home of majestic rock bluffs, awesome Chico's caftans, beaches, sombreros… wait, what? Hey, could someone please tell Megan that New Mexico is a) landlocked and b) not a foreign country? Great, thanks.
Once all the "ladies" are settled at the Buffalo Thunder Resort & Casino (really?), Jade reads the date card: "Carly, let's come together." (Kids, that's what you call a single entendre.) Ashley Eyelashes isn't happy about getting overlooked… or she's just really bummed that she left her headband back at Casa Bachelor.
While he waits for Carly at the Hacienda el Cerezo, Chris wonders if the perky blonde cruise-ship singer can be more than a friend to him. "Today is really going to help us find out if we do have that romantic chemistry," he explains. But they can't do it alone. Enter, this lady:
Welcome, Tziporah Kingsbury, Love and Intimacy Mentor/Hilarious New Age Stereotype! She's going to help Carly and Chris bring more "juiciness" to their relationship. (I think I speak for all of us when I say: Ewww.) Anyhow, Tziporah's "processes" involve waving a hunk of burning sage at Chris and Carly, making them Ommmmm in unison and generally getting all up in the Bachelor's facial business.
And then things got weird.
Nice try, Tziporah, but Team Bachelor brought you here to make sure this one-on-one date would achieve maximum levels of awkardness. You're going to have to do better than having Carly shove chocolate covered fruit in Chris's mouth while he's blindfolded — an idea you clearly stole from Megan. So come on, "love guru," do your freaky worst!
OK, yeah, that's really uncomfortable to watch. Hold up — now she's having them undress each other in front of her. You know, because their clothes represent the "masks" we all wear and you can't have a real relationship without shedding our emotional armor… and, you know, because it makes for amazing Cringe TV.
Sing it, sister. Next Tizzy has Carly sit on Chris's lap and watches as they engage in a heavy-breathing non-make out session… which is where Team Bachelor got all the footage they needed to make it look as if the duo had a real orgasmic encounter. (Side note: Was anyone else skeeved out watching Chris and Carly breathe into each other's mouths? Germs!!)
Eventually, the Bachelor and his date escape Tziporah's touchy-feely prison and get dressed before retiring to a cozy lounge for a fireside dinner. We learn Carly's last boyfriend refused to touch her, which made her feel very less-than. All she needs now, Carly tells us, is a man who thinks she's smokin' hot. (Maybe that's why she borrowed the black lycra pants Sandy wears at the end of Grease?) Unfortunately for Carly, though, I don't think the Bachelor is that guy. Yes, he says Carly is "beautiful" on the inside and out, and yes, he gives her the rose — but those two have approximately zero chemistry.
Let's put a pin in that discussion and move on to the group date: White water rafting! First a grizzled guy named Cisco shows up to give the group a safety talk, which is really just a list of all the different ways this date could kill them.
And in fact the rafting excursion does nearly kill Jade after she falls into the water, and by "nearly kill" I mean "makes her hands and toes really cold." Fortunately, Chris is there to massage her hypothermic tootsies back to life. But did anyone even bother to see if the black box attached to Jade's butt was OK? Of course not!
That night, Chris is on his way to meet the "ladies" for dinner when who shows up in the hotel lobby but Jordan. Yeah, I had no memory of her either… but eventually I pulled this image from the dusty recesses of my brain:
Ohhhh right, Jordan! The drunk, upside-down twerking girl! But seriously, what is she doing here? "I drove from Colorado," she tells Chris. "I don't want to bother you — I just want to know if I can talk to you." Oh for pete's sake, didn't we already do the "rejected woman asks for a second chance" thing with Kimberly in Episode 2? But Farmer Chris just can't bear to turn Jordan away either, especially now that she's sober and professing her faith that God had something to do with her turning up on The Bachelor. (Cut to Jesus: "Leave me out of this, toots!") Naturally, the rest of the women are none too pleased to see their formerly chardonnay-soaked rival back in the mix.
And when Whitney has the audacity to tell Jordan in a calm, polite, mature manner why she finds her reappearance distressing, Ashley Eyelashes can barely hold her s--t together.
Meanwhile, back at the Buffalo, we finally learn what the hell Michelle Money was talking about at the Bachelor premiere: Britt doesn't shower! Like, for realsies! As she and Carly chit-chat about Britt's upcoming one-on-one date, the human Bratz doll makes a stunning announcement: "I might wash my hair!" Apparently, Britt Britt hasn't showered in weeks, because… she likes wallowing in her own filth? She hates her pores? She waitresses at a restaurant that caters exclusively to stink fetishists? Who knows. Anyhow, I think I speak for all of us again when I say: Ewwww.
And though the arrival of the date card should be a happy occasion, the card's message — "the sky's the limit" — sends Britt into a teary tailspin.
Get it together, Pig Pen. Back on the group date, Chris sends Jordan home, as we all knew he would. And for once, we really have no clue who's going to get the date rose, since all the other "ladies" did during their one-on-one time was talk about how annoyed they were about Jordan. Who hid their annoyance the best? Survey says: Whitney! Ashley Eyelashes is so upset about this development, she accidentally leaves her pants in the restaurant. And on another style side note: How is it that Megan, a make-up artist, thinks this lipstick is a good match for her coloring?
The next morning — 4:35 a.m. to be exact — the Bachelor arrives at the girls' suite to collect Britt for their date. He rousts her from her peaceful slumber and says she has just five minutes to get ready… which shouldn't be a problem because she sleeps in full make-up. "Britt looks just as beautiful first thing in the morning as she does when she's all dolled up for a rose ceremony," marvels Chris. "It's pretty incredible." Seriously, we should all look this good when we wake up.
Despite Britt's fears that the "sky's the limit" date would involve jumping off a bridge or some other "love is like a leap of faith" activity, instead she and Chris are taking a hot air balloon ride. Because, you know, love is like a hot air balloon ride: When the flame goes out, you plummet to your death. In unrelated news, a trip to New Mexico sounds really nice right about now.
Once they're back on solid ground, Chris and Britt head to the hotel for a little downtime. Team Bachelor cuts back and forth between Ashley trash-talking Britt to the other women — "She said she's not in any rush to get married or have kids!" — and Britt telling Chris she can't wait to have "like, 100" children. Whether or not Smelly is being sincere or just telling Chris what he wants to hear, the Bachelor is buying what she's selling. He gives Britt the date rose, and then they make out under the covers.
Later, the "ladies" do not take kindly to Britt's revelation that she and Chris "took a nap" after their romantic hot air balloon ride. Becca's all...
…while Kelsey says what we're all thinking.
And for sure the cranky guidance counselor is not going to be ignored while some unkempt waitress steals her relationship thunder. "I know what I need to do," she declares, as the camera shows her striding confidently down the hall towards Chris's hotel room. Surprisingly, she does not mean "go jump his bones." Instead what Kelsey feels she has to do is tell the Bachelor about her dead husband — because she knows only a major dillweed would send a woman home a few hours after learning she's a widow.
It's weird; I can't decide if Kelsey is disturbingly detached from or immersed in this whole Bachelor "journey" — all I know for sure is that she herself is quite disturbed. On the one hand, she talks about herself and her experiences in the third person ("This is the unfolding of somebody who's been through something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces"); on the other hand, she is deeply, deeply invested in how she's portrayed: "Stay tuned! Monday nights at 8 — the love story unveiled."
Unfortunately for Kelsey, Chris decides to blow her cover at the cocktail party. "Kelsey and I had an emotional conversation, a tough conversation today that kind of hit home with this whole process," he announces to the group, his voice quavering. "I thought about some things today that…" But he's too overcome with emotion and has to excuse himself for a second to pull it together. The "ladies" know exactly what's going on. "Kelsey was probably going home tonight, and she went to Chris's room and she told the story — and now someone else is going home," says Carly, seething. "She did that on purpose." Well of course she did, honey. I'm fine with hating on Kelsey for being a manipulative beast but I'm not going to fault her for trying to stay in the "game."
And Kelsey's plan would have worked, too — if it hadn't been for her own maniacal need for attention. Rather than sitting there and keeping her damn mouth shut until Chris came back, Kelsey wants to savor every moment of her cocktail party close-up, so she starts talking and Just. Won't. Stop. "He knows what he needs to do," she informs the women haughtily. "He already has his decision made up... Every day is a gift, and our time is precious, and we should never take it for granted." [cue tightening of throat here] And it means that this is a man who respects you all so much and respects me so much that he's not going to waste our time… And it means I have to say goodbye to people. And I'm not going — I don't know if I'm going — but saying goodbye is hard." This does not go over with other "ladies."
And things are about to get worse.
Yep, it seems the Bachelor already "knows what he's going to do here tonight," and he just can't stomach another night of watching the women he wants to send home flirt for their lives. This, too, does not go over well with the "ladies," as their last chance to make an impression on Chris is now gone.
Even Kelsey is stressed out by Chris's intense reaction to her "amazing" story — or, at least, that's what she wants everyone to believe. Suddenly, a high-pitched moaning, sobbing noise begins filling the stucco hallways. An intrepid camera operator races outside and down a darkened patio in search of the source of the horrible, throbbing wail and discovers… Kelsey on the floor outside the ladies' room giving a Razzie-worthy performance for the cameras. "I'm OK… [gasp]… I think I'm just [gasp]… having a panic attack [GASP!]…" she tells Diane the medic, adding, "NYUH UH HUH UH HUH UH!" Damn, it's almost 10 p.m. — how is Team Bachelor going to wrap this up before the episode…
Of course. OMG what happens next, you guys? My educated guess: Kelsey's little hissy fit prompts Chris to cancel the rose ceremony altogether… which of course opens the door for some serious drama next week in the form of the dreaded two-on-one date. (Please God, let it be Ashley and Kelsey. Or Whitney and Kelsey. Or anyone and Kelsey.)
And with that, rose lovers, we've made it through Week 5. Are you happy stinky Britt's back in the game? Is Kelsey nuts or just really annoying? And are any of the women left really wife material? (Maaaybe Whitney?) Post your thoughts below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive blog right here when you're done. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go print this on a T-shirt.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.