Ladies, if you ever get accused of "creating drama," queue up this episode of "The Bachelorette" and show them what a bunch of drama queens vied for Desiree's heart this season.
Seriously, is this the biggest group of whiny crybabies this franchise has ever seen? We're not sure who was the worst — James with his "wah, I've been bullied" nonsense or Ben's smarmy self-righteous indignation that anyone would dare question his parenting skills.
This "Men Tell All" session wasn't as juicy as it could've been, since Brian (he of the "still had a girlfriend back home" infamy) didn't dare show his face. But still, it was a revealing couple of hours. Here are nine things we learned:
1. Most of the guys were dull and duller.
Raise your hand if you didn't recognize the first five or six guys who walked out into the studio? Yep, us too. One guy spoke passioantely about Ben's bad-guy behavior and we had to look up his name (it's Dan, if that rings a bell).
Michael made a good crack at Jonathan, the guy from the first episode who tried to get Des to go to a made-up fantasy suite with him. Jonathan wondered why he didn't get more boos from the crowd, and Michael noted that nobody really remembered him. Truth.
2. Juan Pablo is very popular.
It was clear from applause levels that Juan Pablo was, hands down, the most popular guy on stage. Women in the audience were sporting "I ♥ Juan Pablo" shirts. And host Chris Harrison called upon him to speak quite a bit, so we got to hear that sexy accent more this evening than the entire rest of the season combined.
3. Everybody wants Juan Pablo to be the next "Bachelor."
As despicable as James was to point out that the next "Bachelor" would likely be one of the top four guys, he was right. But ABC may want to consider breaking that mold and choosing Juan Pablo. He's popular, he genuinely seems to want a wife, he is an adoring father, and he'd be the first Spanish-speaking "Bachelor." Even Zak, who finished fourth and has a great shot, is a big fan.
4. Speaking of Zak, that song was brutally sad.
Despite his near-blinding tan (more on that later), Zak really touched us when he admitted to still loving Des. As she would say: Awwwww! The guy was a pathetic wreck — he moaned about how he's 31 (yeah, so ancient) and all his friends are married with kids. He doesn't want to be the creeper trying to date — though he said this with the creepiest expression ever. Still, his heartfelt song about moving on brought some tears to our eyes.
5. The tanning has got to stop.
During Desiree's chat with former "Bachelorettes" Emily, Ashley, and Ali, one of the tweets onscreen said something about Ali being "50 shades of tan." Yikes. Well, Zak, James, Mikey, and several of the other guys must also have stopped by the same place. They really should've turned the tanning booth's dial down from "nuclear glow."
6. Des looks really good in metallic dresses.
Girl was rocking a short metallic mini for "Men Tell All," and we got a chance to remember how good she looked on the first night in that silver gown. We know Des isn't everyone's favorite, but you have to admit she can pretty herself up very nicely.
7. James is bad ...
The James situation has been talked to death, and nothing new was said or done in the tell-all to change anyone's opinion of him.
James still tried to justify his words, though he now has Mikey to assist (by the way, we really thought Mikey was going to punch Kasey in the face. #scary!). James insisted his feelings for Des were sincere, to which Juan Pablo said he wouldn't let James near his daughter or his wife. Protective Juan Pablo is very sexy!
8. … but Ben may be worse.
There's just something about Ben's demeanor that makes our skins crawl. He really does speak and act like a politician, which is what the rest of the guys called him. When he defended himself as a dad, Zak points out that Ben hardly ever talked about his son, whereas Juan Pablo (him again!) talked about his daughter all the time.
Plus, Juan Pablo didn't like Ben at all. And whatever Juan Pablo thinks, we think.
9. That finale preview is … whoa!
This is the first time that the "Men Tell All" episode aired before the final three, instead of the final two. Usually, the third-place person is at the taping and has a chance to grill the lead on the hot seat (remember AshLee's icy takedown of Sean Lowe last season?).
That the show is doing a big two-part finale, along with the tear-filled preview shown at the end of "Men Tell All," makes us very uneasy for Des. She already got her heart broken once this year; it'd better not happen again!
Though if it does — Juan Pablo's still available!
Watch the full "Men Tell All" episode:
Check out reactions from Twitter, and then sound off on "Men Tell All" in the comments below.
Juan Pablo needs to be the next bachelor, pretty please! #Bachelorette 🌹— Sarah Smith (@ssarahleslie) July 23, 2013
I am getting very anxious for the Bachelorette finale! I have no clue whys going to happen! #Bachelorette— Kayla Shoop (@Shoopy424) July 23, 2013
"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 PM on ABC.