We're gonna betray a little more of our boob-schlock sensibilities than perhaps we'd like to here, but we were honestly crestfallen when we learned that "Shark Night 3-D" was rated PG-13. PG-13? A movie called "Shark Night 3-D?" A film that was once awesomely called "Untitled 3-D Shark Thriller?" Come on, man! That movie should require cuts just to qualify for an "R!" What a waste of a 3-D shark thriller.
Relativity Media, the studio behind the film, apparently realizes they've got a dog on their hands: They're not screening it for critics, and man, even "Piranha 3-D" was screened for critics. (Of course, "Piranha 3-D" ruled, man.) It's not the only movie opening on September 2 that's avoiding critics: "Apollo 18," a film about which we were optimistic almost eight months ago, is also slinking into theaters without any critics seeing it. (Its continued delays were a sign there was a serious problem.) Now, this is annoying to critics, but not overwhelmingly so, and why should you care about that anyway? What really matters is that when a movie isn't screened for critics, it means the studio has something to hide: It means the movie stinks.
A couple of years ago, Slashfilm attempted to compile all the films not screened for critics that year to determine if they had anything in common. OK, fine: They knew what they had in common, but wanted to prove it. They stunk. (Only one of them, the "Crank" sequel, had a positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes.) So the studios try to avoid any negative pre-publicity and shuffle them into theaters before anyone recognizes anything wrong.
We are going to do our best to change that. So now we introduce the Please Ignore Our Terrible Movie feature. Every time a movie is not screened for critics, we will spotlight it with its own special post and add it to an ongoing list of infamy. Technically speaking, "Priest 3-D" and "Drive Angry 3-D" weren't screened earlier this year, but because we're only starting this list now and can't be comprehensive about past years' films, we won't grandfather them in. So, welcome, "Shark Night 3-D" and "Apollo 18," the inaugural members of the Please Ignore Our Terrible Movie club. Save some room, you guys: You'll have plenty of company.
PLEASE IGNORE OUR TERRIBLE MOVIE
"Shark Night 3-D"