Upscale and Overpriced: Gwyneth Paltrow's 2014 Goop Gift Guide Has Arrived

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Gwyneth Paltrow (WireImage)
Gwyneth Paltrow (WireImage)

Don't get too down in the dumps about the news that the Kardashians won't have a family Christmas card this year, because another celebrity holiday tradition is alive and well: Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website Goop has released its annual gift guide, filled (as always) with expensive and sometimes ridiculous items that non-celebrities are unlikely to find under the tree. 

"We tried to keep as much as possible at the $100 mark, though there are some splurges on here for your nearest and dearest," the website reads. "Plus, a girl can always dream."

Of course, Paltrow, an Oscar-winning movie star, doesn't have to dream, but it's nice of her to say that for our benefit. By now, though, we've come to expect Paltrow to recommend outrageous purchases. This is the same woman who once wrote — without a hint of sarcasm, mind you — that one of the best things she'd ever done as a cook was get a wood-burning pizza oven in her garden. 

Well, Paltrow delivered once again! Her picks this year include a sparkling gold juicer and other gourmet kitchen supplies, vases with price tags up to $12,000, beautiful designer garments, and overpriced objects of every sort. Even the kiddies get in on the fun!

Related: Martha Stewart Takes Another Swipe at Gwyneth Paltrow 

Here (drumroll, please) are some of this year's most outrageous items:

Easy Health Angel Juicer plated in 24K gold, $4,739: Goop writes that the item's "absurd, but awesome." But can a juicer be that awesome?

(Goop)
(Goop)

M42 polished steel watch, $1,090: In case a Fossil just isn't good enough for Dad, and you happen to have inherited a lot of money from him (or Mom).

Travel backgammon set, $550: Goop notes that the buyer is getting, "hours of entertainment in a slick little case." But the key word is "little." Why so much?!

(Goop)
(Goop)

Valentino camouflage canvas trolley, $4,545: Just because it's camo, doesn't mean it's cheap. It should, but it doesn't.

Lobmeyr Tulipmania water pitcher, $428: No, we didn't forget any decimal points, and yes, it's just a water pitcher.

Golden Goose Slide Sneakers for boys, $575: So your tween son can be better heeled than you!

Cartier's Juste Un Clau bracelet, $7,600: Because everyone has Cartier under the tree...

Esque's Diamond Thickie vase, $12,000: Even Goop admits it's "insanely expensive."

Anita Ko safety pin single earring, $1,995: Luckily, you only need one of them!

As promised, those of us who can't afford the pricier items on the list can still find a few things with a smaller price tag. Cheaper gifts in the guide include sleep masks for $22, kids' Bingo boards in French and Spanish for $16, and a bag of sea salt for $18.

So... an extravagant gold juicer or a condiment? Somehow, it's just not the same.