It's Wednesday, which means tabloids are releasing their new covers. Unsurprisingly, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner dominate this week's coverage and if anyone is winning this divorce so far it's "sources." Here's a handy graph of all the things "sources" have alleged about the demise of Ben and Jen's 10-year marriage.
Who are these sources? Jennifer's favorite barista? Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck? A whisper in the wind? Perhaps we'll never know. But these sources really need to get their stories straight.
People's coverage is by far the... gentlest. It includes this deliciously vague tidbit:
"According to a longtime friend of the actress, Affleck recently came to Garner 'and told her he had not been committed to the marriage within the past few years,' her friend says."
OK, but what could that possibly mean? Here's Us Weekly with the assist:
"One pal claims, in the past year, Garner told her friends that Affleck had 'admitted to cheating' with an attractive love interest."
But since lawsuits can be a real hassle, Us also writes, "Meanwhile, a source close to Affleck insists, 'Ben did not cheat on Jen.'" Hmmm, OK.
While E!'s coverage errs on the sunny side — "Contrary to tabloid reports, Jennifer and Ben are not lawyering up to seek revenge. In fact, their divorce is anything but acrimonious. 'They are keeping things out of the courts,' says the insider" — Life & Style paints a picture straight out of Game of Thrones. "Sources reveal exclusively to Life & Style that after months of Ben's all-night drinking and gambling binges, the final straw for Jen was just weeks ago, when Ben was 40 minutes late picking up the kids from school." Life & Styles's source clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed because their story also claims that Garner is planning on seeking full custody.
Which brings us to our fringe outlets. What fresh insanity could TMZ and RadarOnline's sources could have cooked up? While TMZ goes with the classic "Blame It on Batman" strategy, Radar Online unhinges its jaw and lets loose a deranged stream of letters and sounds that, when added up, says the divorce is Matt Damon's fault. "But Garner, 43, became jealous of the boys-only sessions, according to the insider," Radar reports. "'She felt left out and alone, so she started to control things,' the source claimed. 'It got nasty. She started making thinly veiled threats' to make Affleck, 42, 'look bad.'"
So what have we learned? Well, the divorce is almost certainly amicable, unless it's not. And Ben Affleck most certainly had an affair, unless he didn't. And probably Matt Damon had something to do with the whole thing. Unless he didn't.