She may be the darling of country music, but Carrie Underwood's no sweetheart.
"I'm not a mushy person at all," Underwood, 30, admits in Marie Claire's June cover story. "We were never a huggy family. Or a 'let's talk it out' family. Technically I have siblings, but they are quite a bit older than me -- I was the accident -- so I have the only-child syndrome going on. I'm a little more selfish, a little more independent, a little closed. I do wish I were softer. I wish I were able to form relationships better. But hey, I mean ... I'm not a sociopath."
In fact, the six-time Grammy winner who wed hockey player Mike Fisher in 2010, carries that independence into her relationship. "As far as guys and love go, I take the role of being the guy in the relationship," Underwood reveals. "I don't need a lot. I don't need to talk on the phone. I don't even need to talk every day. I am very happy being by myself. I need to be by myself sometimes."
Which made marriage a bit of an adjustment. "Thinking as a 'we' isn't natural for me," she notes. And while her husband would like to add a few mini-Mikes and Carries to the mix, Underwood says she's not yet ready to become a mom.
"I don't feel old enough to have kids,"she says. "I know I am mature. But being responsible for another human? My dad told me something at my wedding during the father-daughter dance, which I never thought he'd do in a million years. He said, 'Carrie, there is no reason you shouldn't have everything.' It was sweet of him to say."
Though Underwood -- and almost everyone around her -- maintains that the "Jesus Take the Wheel" singer's personality hasn't changed since rising to fame as "American Idol's" fourth season victor, one thing is definitely different: her weight.
"After 'Idol,' I really wasn't eating enough food. Now I know how to live a healthy lifestyle," Underwood, who is now a vegan and keeps a food journal, tells the magazine. "When I do bad, I give myself an awful frowny face. Listen, there is so much about my life that is messy that I can't control. So I really try to control the things I can and block out the things I can't."
But, as with everything, Underwood handles her quirks on her own. "No. I have never been to therapy," she says, before admitting, "But I would go. I actually got the number of a therapist from a friend. I figured it would be a good thing to have in my phone. Just in case."
Underwood also confesses that her somewhat closed-off personality can be problematic now that she’s a superstar.
"At the beginning of my career, I used to have panic attacks. People were touching me, screaming -- it made me really nervous. In public, I just get nervous. It's a physical reaction, feeling like the walls are closing in. The fans are great. It's not their fault. I don't ever want to come across as ungrateful. But on my end, it is hard for me to process. Because I am still just me."
Read Underwood’s full interview in Marie Claire's June issue, on newsstands May 21.
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