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Beyoncé says 'having miscarriages' gave her a 'deeper' purpose: 'Success looks different to me now'

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Beyoncé Knowles-Carter is giving fans a rare glimpse into her private world. The 38-year-old singer answered questions via social media and email from the Beyhive for Elle's January issue, and shared how "success looks different" these days. One fan asked if she was "disappointed not winning" awards, likely referencing the surprise shutout for Homecoming at the Emmys, or how Lemonade didn't take home the top prize at the 2017 Grammy Awards.

"I began to search for deeper meaning when life began to teach me lessons I didn’t know I needed," Beyoncé replied. "Success looks different to me now. I learned that all pain and loss is in fact a gift. Having miscarriages taught me that I had to mother myself before I could be a mother to someone else."

Beyoncé has been open about how she suffered a miscarriage before the birth of her first child with Jay-Z, daughter Blue, who turns 8 next month. In the 2013 HBO documentary Life Is But a Dream, the entrepreneur called it "the saddest thing I've ever been through." She told Elle that after Blue "the quest for my purpose became so much deeper."

"I died and was reborn in my relationship, and the quest for self became even stronger," she continued. "It’s difficult for me to go backwards. Being 'number one' was no longer my priority. My true win is creating art and a legacy that will live far beyond me. That’s fulfilling."

The superstar went on to have two more children, 2-year-old twins Rumi and Sir. Beyoncé admitted even she isn't immune to the challenges of balancing a career and kids.

"I think the most stressful thing for me is balancing work and life," she added. "Making sure I am present for my kids — dropping Blue off at school, taking Rumi and Sir to their activities, making time for date nights with my husband, and being home in time to have dinner with my family — all while running a company can be challenging. Juggling all of those roles can be stressful, but I think that’s life for any working mom."

The "Halo" singer said she is embracing her curves after the changes her body went through during her pregnancies.

"If someone told me 15 years ago that my body would go through so many changes and fluctuations, and that I would feel more womanly and secure with my curves, I would not have believed them," she wrote in one response. "But children and maturity have taught me to value myself beyond my physical appearance and really understand that I am more than enough no matter what stage I’m at in life. Giving zero [f***s] is the most liberating place to be. Also knowing true beauty is something you cannot see. I wish more people focused on discovering the beauty within themselves rather than critiquing other folks’ grills."

Beyoncé, who created the athleisure brand IVY PARK in 2016, had an interesting response when one fan asked if she believes in self-care.

"The name of the brand comes from where I built my strength and endurance as a young woman. I ran and trained in the park, and that state of mind has stayed with me all these years later. It’s the first place where I learned to listen to my body," she explained.

"Many of us grew up seeing our parents act as if they were superheroes. Most women have been conditioned to ignore symptoms and just 'tough it out' and focus on taking care of everyone else before themselves," she added. "I am no longer one of those people. After having a difficult pregnancy, I took a year to focus on my health. I have researched information on homeopathic medicines. I don’t just put any prescription in my body. My diet is important, and I use tools like acupuncture, meditation, visualization, and breathing exercises."

When she was pregnant with the twins, Beyoncé had toxemia, a life-threatening condition, and was on bed rest for over a month. She ultimately had an emergency C-section. But the pain was well worth it, as evident in another one of her answers. When asked which of all the hats she wears — chairwoman, global entertainer, Queen — brings her the greatest joy, she replied: "Being Blue, Rumi, and Sir’s mom."

Just don't ask her if she wants more kids or is pregnant. Beyoncé said the one question she hates to answer is "Are you pregnant?"

"Get off my ovaries!" she wrote.

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