The best things we ate this week? All junk food, but all delicious

I love salads; I really do.

Some people eat their greens to slim down, others to bulk up and many to fend off the germs of the season. But me? I just eat them because I genuinely find them delicious.

Over the past seven days, though, I ate no salads. So, if you read that intro thinking "I totally relate to that!," you should probably leave now.

Welcome back to the best column of the local news, foodies.

This week's top Jersey dishes are 100% junk.

Crunchy Lasagna Empanada, Zoelily Empanadas

You've had an empanada before, but I guarantee you've never had a crunchy empanada — unless you're a regular at Zoelily Empanadas (a Rockaway-based food truck once ranked in NJ.com's top 21 restaurants). In his new, textured series, owner Rafael Vargis takes his traditional treats, rolls them in Panko breadcrumbs and deep fries them.

The result? A firework of flavors in the world's crispiest shell.

Three crunchies are currently on the truck's menu (including one dusted in Doritos), but my top choice of the bunch is easily the lasagna. Stuffed to the brim with ground beef, ricotta, mozzarella and more, the decadent creation tastes like an Italian dinner inside of a British pasty inside of a diner mozzarella stick.

Go: 405 Route 46, Rockaway (Parked in the lot between Shoprite and Wells Fargo); 973-975-7401, zoelilyempanadas.com.

Octopus Yakitori 'Takoyaki-Style,' pastaRAMEN

I don't know if these Octopus Yakitori skewers are deep-fried, but — with crispy skin and juicy interiors — they sure seem like they might be.

And, if they're not? They're covered in swirls of garlic crema and eel sauce, so they're just as sloppy and indulgent as if they were.

Inspired by the flavor profile of takoyaki (round Japanese octopus and wheat fritters), this pastaRAMEN small plate features the same toppings as one of Asia's most popular street snacks. What makes them different, though, is that rather than rolling minced meat and flour into balls, the team places the sizable chunks of octopus onto fun, little kebab sticks; no batter involved.

The result, therefore, is an appetizer that tastes like street food, but has notably tender meat and an elevated preparation.

Go: 6 S Fullerton Ave., Montclair; pastaramen.com.

Honey Baked Ham Egg Roll, Uncle Sal's Egg Rolls

Swiss cheese, baked ham and a honey maple glaze; it's Christmas in an egg roll!

Part of Uncle Sal's Gourmet Egg Rolls holiday collection, this party snack has all the components of a savory December dinner tucked and rolled into a golden brown, fried wrapper. For a touch of sweetness, chef Sal Graci even throws tiny cubes of pineapple to the mix.

When I tried this outwardly obscure creation, I immediately fell in love with its melty, salty and cheesy interior. The best thing about the roll, however, was the fact it included varying shades of meat.

Because — even though the light center of the ham is the juiciest — I'm a sucker for the dark, smoky edges.

Go: Essex-based food truck, travels throughout North Jersey. Upcoming locations are updated on Instagram: @unclesalseggrolls.

Lobster Tail, Tony and Vinnie's Italian Bakery

It doesn't matter where it's from; if it's a lobster tail, it's automatically going on this list.

(Though, I've been frequenting Tony and Vinnies since Blockbuster was still next door, and I've always loved theirs.)

Go: 405 Route 46, Dover; 973-366-3330, facebook.com/TonyandVinnies.

Vodka Burrata Pepperoni Pizza, Mancini Pizza

Like regular pizza, but with vodka sauce instead of marinara, cup-and-char pepperoni instead of Hormel, and fresh globs of burrata on top of an already-thick layer of melted mozzarella.

When it comes to drippy, sloppy, heart-attack specials? It just doesn't get better than this.

Go: 293 Route 18, East Brunswick; 732-387-8805, mancinipizza.com.

Hungry for more?

Want more on this week's latest food news? Check out some of my (and others') best articles at NorthJersey.com/food, or keep up with me @northjerseyeats.

And, while you do, enjoy those five aforementioned saturated fat bombs.

Here's hoping — should you go out and try them — that you're still alive to read this column next week.

Kara VanDooijeweert is a food writer for NorthJersey.com and The Record. If you can't find her in Jersey's best restaurants, she's probably off running a race course in the mountains. Catch her on Instagram: @karanicolev & @northjerseyeats, and sign up for her North Jersey Eats newsletter.

This article originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: North Jersey Eats Instagram presents the test things we ate this week