Ballers just ended, so here are all the questions I wish I could ask Dwayne Johnson
Game over.
On Sunday night, Ballers concluded its five-season run with a tidy, low-key series finale. Spencer (Dwayne Johnson) got lifetime healthcare for the players, Ricky (John David Washington) got an intimate talk show and a debut guest in Spencer, Joe (Rob Corddry) got the girl and surely a large construction bill, Jason (Troy Garity) got… five seconds of screen time, Charles (Omar Miller) got the blessing of his wife to continue to live 3,000 miles away from her, and Reggie (London Brown) and Lance (Russell Brand) got a booming gaming business.
I should confess that I’m an unabashed Ballers head. Is it the greatest show ever made? My instinct is no, but it’s an easy, entertaining watch where I can turn off my brain, sit back, and enjoy. As the series finale was approaching, I attempted to speak with Spencer Strasmore himself, but Dwayne Johnson was unavailable. (We can all hope he was busy writing Fast & Furious 10 with his new old friend Vin Diesel.)
This left me in the position of having so many questions left unanswered, which is why I’ve decided to just put my important queries for Mr. Johnson out in the world and hope that maybe the Ballers army can get some closure. Here goes:
Why Ballers?
How come we could get Elizabeth Warren but not you?
Why did this feel like the right time to end?
Was the owners’ meeting at the airport because you only had time to fly in for a few minutes?
“Patrick” and “Mahomes” were probably the two most used words this season, so why couldn’t we land him for at least one scene?
Justin Long? That’s it, that’s the question.
What exactly is Joe building?
So Charles just abandons his family, correct?
How come no one ever pointed out to Charles that there’s no universe in which a team would sign Alvin Kamara when they already have Todd Gurley?
Remember when Spencer was going to tear down the NCAA? (Elizabeth Warren does.)
Do you think you set the Guinness record for most scenes filmed from one’s own car?
In five seasons, how did Spencer go from being broke to owner AND general manager of an NFL team?
What was Bossman’s plan? He seemed to switch sides quickly.
Whose idea was it to make Ballers just as much about gaming as football?
That being said, when do we get our Lance and Reggie Esports ownership spin-off? Because I would watch.
Where was the Elizabeth Warren cameo?
Speaking of which, the season 5 premiere featured Spencer reading Warren’s biography, which on the surface is a fun little nod. But digging deeper, she talks about you and Ballers in her book, so what kind of matrix/time loop does that put us in? Did this become a Truman Show-type situation?
How come more people don’t talk about the fact that Russell Brand is one of the stars of Ballers?
Does Spencer care about the players? I’m unsure of his stance.
How has Melvin Gordon appeared in the same number of Ballers episodes as NFL games this year?
What network is that interviewing airing on? And is Ricky more of an Ellen or Oprah?
Where does Spencer walk out to after the interview? There was a white light. Did he get run over by his own car?
Why no Entourage crossover?
Did you never ask John David Washington to hook up a Denzel cameo?
Why are you essentially the only Ballers star not now on The Unicorn?
Seriously, how the hell did Spencer become an owner?!
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