The Bachelorette season premiere recap: Big brother is watching
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Welcome back, rose lovers! I hope you're feeling refreshed after our three-month Bachelor franchise break and are ready to watch Charity, the 27-year-old child and family therapist, find "love" on The Bachelorette. Tonight's premiere had everything: Rain, acrobatics, and a truly terrible wig.
Let's recap!
In his opening hype-man voiceover, host Jesse Palmer said "the surprises start tonight," and he's not kidding. Since when is there a wooden pergola on the mansion driveway???
ABC The Bachelor mansion driveway gets a makeover
Fortunately, Team Bachelor knew we'd be flipping out over this major change. "As you can see, the mansion looks a little bit different behind me — and that's because there is some rain in the forecast," explains Palmer. "They say a little rain is good luck on your wedding day. Hopefully, it's good luck for Charity tonight, too." Doubtful, but we appreciate the sentiment, sir.
Cue the Ready to Find Love Again™ montage! We catch up with our Bachelorette back home in Columbus, Georgia, where she frolics through the town square and raves about her wonderful family. (She's the youngest of four siblings.) As you may remember from her time on Zach's season of The Bachelor, Charity's last serious relationship fell apart because the guy was a triflin', no-good cheater. Though things didn't work out with Mr. Shallcross (thank God), Charity now understands that she's "worthy to find love." Hell yeah!
It's time for our Bachelorette to head to LA and get dolled up for night one — with a little help from [reads from script handed to me by producers] Maybelline Fit Me Matte & Poreless foundation. Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. [hands script back in disgust]
ABC A Maybelline product shot on 'The Bachelorette'
Product placement on The Bachelorette? I thought this show had integrity! (Obviously kidding, LOL. Get that cosmetics company coin, ABC!) Wow, is it limo time already? Please welcome the first man out:
ABC Aaron arrives on 'The Bachelorette'
Did he just say, "Some people call me A-A-ron"? Okay, Key & Peele reference right out of the gate! Oh, it seems the show has decided to weave the "meet the guys" package into the limo exits rather than doing it all in one chunk first. I like that it eliminates the redundancy of introducing some of the guys before the limo exits and then making us watch them introduce themselves to Charity later. Do you approve of this change, rose lovers? Discuss amongst yourselves.
So, after we learn that Aaron likes photography, playing piano, and going to the beach, we return to the mansion driveway. He pulls a lucky coin from his suit pocket. "If it's heads, we get engaged. If it's tails, I pack my bags and go home," he announces. Go big or go home, Aaron! Fortunately, it's heads, so this handsome gentleman won't be leaving tonight.
Next up is Josh, a 28-year-old grad student from Pennsylvania. He places Charity's hand on his heart — after asking for consent, thankfully — and makes a pledge "to protect and to honor and to cherish you." A little intense, but sweet. The Bachelorette LOVES it.
ABC Charity gives Josh two thumbs up.
Joey, the 27-year-old tennis pro, also grew up in Pennsylvania, but he now lives that White Lotus life in Hawaii. Though his parents split up when he was young, they were "amazing co-parents," and Joey is still a "hopeless romantic." He presents Charity with a plumeria flower and places it behind her right ear — which, Joey explains, signifies her single status. Will he be able to convince her to move that flower to her left ear by the end of this "journey"? Charity is non-committal. "We'll see," she says with a giggle.
Now let's welcome 27-year-old construction manager Warwick. He informs Charity that his parents met on a plane, and then presents her with a fake plane ticket. "I went ahead and booked us a flight," he explains shyly. Very cute — both the gimmick and the guy.
Ooooh, Xavier (27, North Carolina) is a self-described "science nerd" who's getting his doctorate in biomedical science. And one of the reasons he chose this field is to help people like his mother, who has an autoimmune disease. Plus, he loves to knit!
ABC Xavier is a man of many interests.
While we'll have to take away a few points away for the ukulele, everything else about Xavier screams "husband material."
The next suitor is also a man of science. Caleb A., 29, is a doctor of family medicine — hence the stethoscope.
ABC Caleb A. lets Charity listen to his heart
"That is a heart beating just for you," he coos. Smooth and a little cheesy, but I'll allow it.
Ooop, time for a rapid-fire man montage: Khalid, 28, says his name means "eternal," which matches nicely with Charity's name, which means "love"; Nic, a 32-year-old HR executive, assures Charity that he'll fight for her; and underwater welder John Henry, 30, shows up in an old-school diving helmet and announces, "I just want to dive in with you." (Not bad.) Aaron S., a 33-year-old firefighter, presents the Bachelorette with a lighted candle so the two of them can blow it out and make a wish; while Steelers fan Tanner, 30, gives Charity his version of a "Terrible Towel," called [heavy sigh] a "Tanner Towel":
ABC That is a terrible towel, Tanner.
Sorry, dude, but that's a C- for effort. Meanwhile, 27-year-old Chris is so excited to meet Charity, he's literally doing backflips. Of course, jumping up and down is kind of Chris' job. He's a world record holder for "highest standing jump." Not sure how one makes a living at this, but Chris believes his "competitive past" will give him a leg up on The Bachelorette. And Chris' rivals, watching his acrobatics from the mixer room window, think so too. "That guy's doing backflips, and I'm in HR," sighs Nic.
Side note: Is Kaitlyn Bristowe okay?
ABC Kaitlyn Bristowe wishes Charity well
Pish-posh, dear weirdo. You'll never be "washed-up" to us.
Back to the limo exits. Brayden, a 24-year-old nurse from San Diego, arrives carrying a metal medical-supplies tray. "I figured I've got to be responsible and make sure we're up to date on our shots," he says, unveiling two shots of tequila. (Silly but original.) In his intro package, we learn that Brayden is an adventurous type who likes to climb mountains, bungee jump, snowboard, and so on. Like Charity, he's been cheated on in the past.
Up next is Spencer, a 32-year-old medical sales director. The poor guy is so "terrified" that he can barely speak.
ABC Spencer is at a loss for words.
"I'll tell you more about me," he begins, before completely falling apart. "For instance, me… I'm Spencer." Yes, yes you are, buddy. He likes martial arts, but his attempt at teaching Charity the classic "kick your opponent in the nuts" move does not really work out. But don't tell Spencer that! He thinks everything went great. "It seems like maybe we did have a bit of a spark there," he says.
Oh joy, the pro wrestler is here.
ABC Caleb B., not to be confused with Caleb A. or Kaleb K.
Meet Caleb B., 24, from Orlando. "My wrestling persona is a self-loving douche," he explains in his intro package. "But it's the opposite of my personality." Caleb B. does not tell Charity about his chosen profession in their first meeting, which is probably for the best.
Joe, a 32-year-old from San Francisco, kicks off the next montage: Tall dudes! These include Kaleb K., 27 (construction salesman); Adrian, 33 (realtor); James, 28 (attorney); and Peter, 33 (pilot). Watching these towering hunks with increasing chagrin is Joey the tennis pro. "Why is everyone so tall?" he moans. "They're huge. I'm just like, 'Damn, I'm gonna be the shortest guy.'"
Controversial opinion: I'll take quaint, "look at all the tall guys"-style segments over stupid, toxic masculinity-fueled night-one drama any day.
Moving on to our next suitor: Michael, a 28-year-old yacht captain from Chicago, who gives Charity a bracelet with a little boat charm. Taylor, 32, films his limo exit with a GoPro camera, joking, "All right, kids, I'm meeting your mom for the first time."
ABC Taylor makes an homage to 'How I Met Your Mother'
Time for some prop comedy: Sean, a 25-year-old sales rep from Tampa, arrives with one of those giant sweepstakes checks. "I wanted to make a donation to Charity," he quips. John, 27 (data scientist), gives Charity a fortune cookie, which, like him, is "a little Chinese, a little American." Inside, the message reads, "You will meet the man of your dreams tonight. His name is John." Adorable! Rooting for you, buddy.
Holy cow, look at this guy! Why wasn't he in the tall dudes' montage?
ABC Dotun is huge!
Bachelor Nation, please meet Dotun, a 30-year-old integrative medicine specialist (?) from Brooklyn. He and his family emigrated from Nigeria when he was 4 years old, and today, Dotun believes that Charity could be wife material. Though he was "super nervous" before he arrived, Dotun assures the Bachelorette that "all that kind of changed once I laid my eyes on you." And she LOVES it. "He's a charmer," she murmurs as Dotun walks indoors. "I've gotta keep my eye on him."
Just when Charity thought the limo exits were over, Palmer walks up and drops the bomb. A man she already knows contacted to producers and was "adamant" that he be at the mansion with her tonight. Who could it be?
ABC Charity's brother Nehemiah
Awwww, it's Charity's adorable older brother Nehemiah! And he's here to scope these men out to determine whether they're good enough for our Queen. And to do that, he's going undercover in a cheap Party City wig and stick-on mustache.
ABC Nehemiah in 'disguise'
Looks foolproof. No notes.
With that, it's time for Charity to make her grand entrance to the mansion and address her crowd of adoring suitors. "I know that this can work if you truly lean into it," she says, raising a toast to "the crazy adventure ahead."
The rain is really coming down, so the men are equipped with clear umbrellas to keep Charity dry while they escort her away for one-on-one chats. Short king Joey goes first, and though he takes a very awkward position next to her on the couch — like, he's sitting a wee bit too close but also not really facing her — he generally acquits himself well. Charity seems into it, and she snuggles into his shoulder for warmth.
ABC Joey and Charity
"Joey gives me butterflies," she admits.
Charity moves inside for her chat with James, who brings her a gift from his parents. Inside the box, there is some apple cider and donuts fresh from the family farm, as well as a handwritten note from James' mom: "Dear Charity, we are beyond excited that you were chosen to be the next Bachelorette… You are actually exactly the kind of person we have been praying that James would find someday." Awww, that's sweet. The Bachelorette LOVES it, and says James is "a precious lamb."
Xavier is next, and he must speak up to be heard above the rain pounding on the mansion roof. He says he's looking for someone who is "honest" and "genuine," and that it's not hard for him to express his emotions. Charity must like what she's hearing, because she leans in for the first kiss of the night.
ABC Charity and Xavier
While Charity is swooning in another room, Nehemiah is eavesdropping on the other contestants from his spot behind the bar. "I heard about 10 to 12 guys tonight talking about wanting to kiss my sister," he reports. "Hearing guys talking about my sister like that is weird." Also weird: Michael explaining to a guy he thinks is the bartender that he normally dates more "curvaceous" women. Real "Sir, this is a Wendy's" energy right there.
Shhh! John the adorable data scientist is currently having a one-on-one chat with Charity. They're bonding over how they are each super close to their siblings. "I value her opinion the most," John says of his sister. The Bachelorette clearly approves, and she leans in for a kiss.
ABC John and Charity
Wait, what's going on in the mixer room? Oh boy, someone needs to get Big Paulie in here. Chris is acting out. When Charity walks into the mixer room, Chris makes an announcement. "I have something to show you!" he declares, before urging all the other men watching to cheer for him as he jumps up onto a countertop. This man is never going to let us forget he holds a world record for high jumping, is he?
ABC Chris shows off his talent again
"It is a full display of mating season here on Animal Planet," notes Aaron S. "The male suitors are doing their best to woo the only female in the home." He's not wrong. Now Caleb B. the pro wrestler is getting in on the testosterone showcase: He picks up Josh and body slams him onto a couch cushion.
As for the firefighter, he has a more lighthearted activity planned for his time with Charity.
ABC Charity and Aaron S.
"I pulled out a dope-ass first little date," he brags. "So I feel like I'm winning." You were, pal, until you said "dope-ass."
Poor, nervous Spencer has to follow the duckie date, and he's got a pretty serious topic that he needs to discuss with Charity. "I didn't know when I was going to tell you this, and this could be a dealbreaker," he begins. "I have a little boy; I have a son. I'm a dad… Is it weird that I feel so much to tell you that?" Of course, the Bachelorette says no, and that she thinks it's "beautiful" that Spencer chose to be on this "journey" with her. Spencer is so relieved he can't contain it. "You're awesome!" he cries happily.
Hmmm… where's that music coming from? Is someone playing piano? Oh no, I sense a serenade coming on. Oh my God, it's worse. Aaron B. is tickling the ivories while reciting a spoken word poem about Charity… to Charity.
ABC Aaron B. and Charity
"I don't know if you noticed, like, how the song started high and it just got deep — that's kind of how I want it to go with you," explains Aaron. I think I just pulled a muscle cringing. Making matters worse, next Aaron pulls out his "lucky coin" and proposes this wager: "If it's heads, I get a kiss. If it's tails, you play the piano." It's heads again, and he gets his kiss. Also, I'm now starting to wonder if it's one of those trick coins with heads on both sides. Even if it is, Charity doesn't mind. The kiss goes on for a long time.
Back at the bar, Nehemiah is getting nervous, because Josh the grad student is thisclose to recognizing him from Charity's hometown date on The Bachelor. "You look so familiar," Josh says. "Is that a fake mustache?" Damn you, Party City!
When it's Brayden's turn to sit down with Charity, he — like many of the guys — tells her how happy he was to learn she was the new Bachelorette. And when she asks him to elaborate on why he was happy, Brayden comes correct. "I think it was the empathy," he responds immediately. "I think a lot of people are so concerned about themselves, they forget to be considerate of other people." After talking about how they both need to set better boundaries in relationships to make sure their own needs are met, too, this happens:
ABC Charity and Brayden
Kiss number four! "Brayden's a good kisser, a good person," says a giddy Charity. "Check. It's a check!" Get it, girl. Brayden is riding high, too, and he can't help but rave about the smooch when some of the other guys ask him about it. Fortunately, everything he says is tame ("bro, she's so cool"; "we had a bomb conversation"; "it felt organic" etc.), because Nehemiah is listening in. But he just keeps talking and talking and talking about the kiss, which strikes Charity's brother as borderline arrogant.
But the red flags really start flying for Charity's bro when Brayden says (when asked) that he feels like he could get the first impression rose. "Brayden has a huge ego," says Nehemiah. "I hear it in the way that he's talking." And now it's time to make Brayden eat those words.
ABC Nehemiah reveals his true identity
That's right, boys — big brother was watching you. And now he's going to report back to Charity. He pulls the Bachelorette aside and gives her the debrief. First, he has to break the news that he was "undercover" all night as Charles the bartender, "just in case I heard something suspicious." And guess what? He did! He informs Charity that Brayden "boldly crossed that line from confidence to arrogance" after his one-on-one chat with her. "That's problematic," adds Nehemiah. With all of that said, big brother assures Charity that he fully trusts her to make her own decisions — but he loves her so much, he just couldn't help looking out for her. Awwww, come on! That is ridiculously sweet.
Of course, you know what happens next. "Brayden, can you come with me?" Ooooh, you're about to get a talking to, you Clark Kent-looking dummy.
ABC Charity and Brayden on 'The Bachelorette'
Charity asks him to explain this "overconfident" behavior that Nehemiah witnessed. "I wasn't trying to be cocky," a chastened Brayden says. "That kiss that we had was really amazing. I was like, if I was in your shoes, and I had that kind of connection, I would have given you my First Impression Rose… I was giddy."
Hmmm… will this explanation be enough? Charity walks away to collect her thoughts, and after a tense few minutes, she returns, stone-faced. But then… TWIST:
ABC Charity gives Brayden the First Impression Rose
The Bachelorette says "it meant a lot" to her that Brayden was so excited about his kiss with her that he couldn't stop himself from gushing giddily to the (fake) bartender. "You have truly been a breath of fresh air for me," Charity continues, before offering Brayden the coveted boutonniere. As you can imagine, this development comes as a bit of a shock to the rest of the men.
ABC Sean and Aaron B. canNOT believe their eyes
Tink! Tink! Tink! Enter Jesse Palmer with his Butter Knife of Bad News. It's time for our first Rose Ceremony Roll Call of the season:
Aaron B., John, Xavier, Joey, Caleb B., Warwick, Aaron S., Caleb A., Adrian, James, Sean, Michael, Tanner, Dotun, Kaleb K., John Henry, Josh, and Spencer join Brayden in the Circle of Safety™. Alas, this means we must say goodbye to Joe, Taylor, Peter, Nic, Khalid, and Chris the high jumper. Hop on home, gentlemen. Your "journey" to find "love" will have to continue elsewhere.
Night one is in the books, rose lovers! Who are you rooting for? Are you surprised Brayden got the FIR? And would you let your sibling vet potential dates? Let me know on Twitter: @KristenGBaldwin.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
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