The Bachelorette season premiere recap: Besties before testes
This may be season 19 of The Bachelorette, rose lovers, but it's also season 1 of a brand-new show. Welcome to The Bachelorette: Sisterhood of the Traveling Husband Hunters! Our stars Gabby, 31, and Rachel, 26, began their dual "journey" to find "love" with card tricks, a giant sandwich, and one surprise rose ceremony twist.
Let's recap!
If you missed Cl*yt*n's season of The Bachelor — first of all, that was a great choice. I spent far too many hours of my life watching that man-sized meatloaf declare his love to practically every woman who crossed his path. But here's a quick recap: Gabby and Rachel made the final three, and then Clay-uh dumped them both AT THE SAME TIME in the finale.
"What we went through with Clayton, it was torture," recalls Gabby. Not just for you, girl. But at least it led to the joyful moment when host Jesse Palmer announced that both Gabby and Rachel would be our new rose queens.
ABC Rachel and Gabby on 'After the Final Rose.'
"You deserve this so much!" "You too!" Dang it, why am I tearing up at this again? From there, producers sent our Bachelorettes-to-be home for a hot minute — take 24 hours and say your goodbyes — before shipping them back to LA for the start of their "journey." Clumsy chest bump!
ABC These two are in it to win it.
As they settle into their palatial Bachelorette pad, Gabby and Rachel share some bubbly and compare notes on the type of men they like. "I normally go for guys who are, like, taller, more athletic," says Rachel. Gabby, meanwhile, says she's dated all types: "The short kings, the tall ones, the funny ones, the bland ones, the smart ones, the dumb ones… But I want to be with someone who can make a decision. It's clear that Clayton didn't know what the f--- he wanted… I know what I want, and you know what you deserve, too."
The women know that there could be some "overlap" in which guys they like at first, but I refuse to believe that they would ever let a man come between them. As Bachelor franchise wardrobe stylist Cary Fetman told me, "They don't have the same taste in guys. The excitement will be that, yes, there's a couple [of guys they both like], but they were both so excited to be going through it together, neither one of them wanted to make any kind of issues over silly things, and they didn't."
That's because Gabby and Rachel are going into this with their eyes wide open. "I'm sure someone's going to try to play our ass," Gabby tells Rachel. "I don't trust men. Not all of them, anyway."
Yeah. Who needs dudes? Not the producers, who skip over all those painful "meet the men" packages and leap right to Gabby and Rachel arriving at Casa Bachelor. Thank goodness for small mercies. Jesse greets the Bachelorettes and officially starts their "journey." Our queens are glammed up and ready to go — after one last tooth check.
ABC Last-minute tooth check.
That's sisterhood if I've ever seen it. Here come the men!
Zach (tech executive, 25): This young man from California opts for a respectful, if a bit restrained, greeting. "I just have to say, you two look absolutely phenomenal," he says. "I feel like the luckiest guy to be here." Zach is so nervous, though, that he forgets to give our Bachelorettes one key piece of information. "Does the luckiest guy have a name?" prompts Rachel gently. That breaks the ice, and Zach ends his introduction with a friendly hug for Gabby and Rachel.
Jason (investment banker, 30): "I've got to get something off my chest. I've got something in common with Clayton," warns Jason, after greeting each Bachelorette with a hug. "I'm in love with three women: My mom, my sister, and my dog, Kira." Um… Okay. I get what Jason's going for here, but it's a little weird to say he's "in love" with his mom and his sister. Couldn't he have just said "I've said 'I love you' to three women"? Also, his dog is a dog, not a woman. Yes, I'm nitpicking! Sue me — I'm an editor, dammit. Anyhow, Gabby and Rachel seem to think his little joke is cute. "He's my type," giggles Gabby.
Aven (sales executive, 28): Our third Californian in a row! Aven knows that family is important to both of our Bachelorettes, and he has a personalized message for each of them. First, he takes Gabby by the hand and declares, "I promise to do right by you this whole journey, because I want to make your grandfather proud." Then it's Rachel's turn. "I promise to do right by you, because I definitely don't want to end up on Big Tony's bad side." For those of you who missed Cl*yt*n's season, this is Rachel's dad, Big Tony:
ABC You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
So yeah, Aven's no fool. And our Bachelorettes LOVE it. "Nice work!" says Gabby, giving him a thumbs-up as he walks into the mansion.
Uh-oh, here comes Jordan H. (software developer, 35) — and he brought props.
ABC Our first prop comic of the night.
Yep, it's the old "put noise-cancelling headphones on one woman while you chat up her friend" gag. While they're on Gabby, Jordan H. tells Rachel that he only lives about an hour from her, "so if we end up together after this, maybe we won't have to move too far." And while Rachel is temporarily deaf, Jordan tells Gabby that he's broken many bones before, "so maybe you're my all-star nurse that I've never had." Okay, fine — it's kind of cute.
Michael (pharmaceutical salesman, 32) says he's "fortunate" to get to date such "wonderful women." Chris (mentality coach (???), 30) offers them a little poem: "Welcome to a night you'll never forget/I'm here to meet my Bachelorette…" Mario (personal trainer, 31) does this:
ABC Mario moves in on the Bachelorettes.
Ethan (advertising exec, 27) juggles apples and makes a joke about how he's not good at "juggling two women," while Kirk (college football coach, 29), gives both Bachelorettes a pre-game pep talk: "This right here is our time, so let's go out and take it!" And he keeps the locker-room motivation going once he gets inside the mansion, telling the assembled men: "Right here, this is what matters!" (We get it, producers — he's a coach.)
Oh no, oh no, oh no — is there a PETA representative on the set? It looks like Logan (videographer, 26) is gripping those baby chicks a little too tight.
ABC Loosen that grip, Logan!
"I thought that was a rat!" gasps Gabby. Nope, but Logan's got a pick-up line that's almost as gross: "When I heard there were two Bachelorettes, I figured I should practice hanging out with a couple of cute chicks all the time." GET IT? BECAUSE "CHICKS" IS A DEMEANING TERM FOR WOMEN? I'm so sorry, Mary Beth and Alejandra — you deserve better. As do the Bachelorettes. At least Alejandra got her revenge by pooping in Logan's hand.
ABC Alejandra's revenge.
Quincey (life coach, 25): "S---!" the Miami boy exclaims upon getting his first look at the Bachelorettes. "S to you!" replies Gabby. Hold on to your hat, girl, because Quincey (who also goes by "Prince") is about to drop an even bigger bomb: "I haven't had sex in a year and almost a half… I've been saving it for the right person." Ohhh-kayyy. Gabby, bless her, has the perfect response once Prince goes inside.
ABC Gabby is in her prime, y'all.
Hayden (leisure executive, 29): Hmmm… I'm already mad at this guy because the preview showed him making Gabby cry later in the season by saying, "I do have my intentions fully for Rachel." Also, what the hell is a "leisure executive"? That sounds almost as fake as "mentality coach."
Ryan (investment director, 36): Just as Hayden made a joke about how Cl*yt*n used the head in his pants rather than the one on his neck to make decisions, Ryan comes in wearing a clown wig and a big red nose. "I know what it looks like, [but] I am not Clayton," he jokes, ripping off the wig. The Bachelorettes laugh politely, but they do NOT love it.
ABC Agreed.
Well, settle in for a long nap, honey, because the Cl*yt*n gags aren't over yet. Johnny (realtor, 25) raps about how the previous Bachelor is a "piece of s---," while Alec (wedding photographer, 27) brings in a children's choir to sing a song about how much of loser the guy was.
ABC Shouldn't these kids be in bed?
"I think Gabby and I are okay with not hearing Clayton's name again tonight," says Rachel wearily.
Time for some more prop comedy — and this one comes with a side of heartburn.
ABC Needs more sauce.
Say hello to James (meatball enthusiast, 25). I'm mad at this guy, too, because the preview showed him rejecting Rachel's rose later in the season. Yes, these men are allowed to have preferences — and as a recapper, I am allowed to make brutal snap judgments. Next!
Justin B. (physical therapist, 32) arrives barefoot — or "a little extra grounded," as he puts it, while Brandan (bartender, 23) arrives in… this:
ABC Spanx for men.
"Is that the Blue Man Group?" wonders Gabby. Nope, but the Bachelorettes are about to get a little taste of Vegas. Here comes Roby, 33 — and he's a magician. (He's also, apparently, Leelee Sobieski's brother!)
ABC Watch this!
And it's pronounced ROH-bee, thank you very much. (The "poof" for his chyron is a nice touch.)
Oh boy, John — a 26-year-old English teacher from Nashville — just got here, and he's already earned himself a detention. "Hey Rachel," he says, striding confidently up to Gabby. He corrects himself quickly, but the damage is done.
ABC Strike one, John.
The uncomfortable introductions continue with Tino (general contractor, 28), who drives up on a forklift and announces, "You two look forking gorgeous!" Get it? GET IT? "I do work in construction, so that means I'm good with my hands," continues Tino. It's a wee bit cheesy, but Rachel LOVES it. "He's my type!" she gushes.
Hey, has the PETA representative left the set yet? Because they may need to have a word with Jacob (mortgage broker, 27).
ABC Shirts are overrated.
That horse doesn't look physically harmed, but I'm sure the poor animal's dignity is bruised. Also, let's discuss Jacob's pick-up line: "I know this looks like the cover to a romantic novel, but I'm only here for a happy ending." Is that corny, or dirty, or both? (Actually, don't answer that.) Gabby and Rachel are amused by Jacob's oiled-up exterior, and they immediately begin rubbing their arms all over his chest for a quick moisturizer fix.
Twenty-one men down, 11 to go! Let's speed things up a bit. Please welcome Tyler, 25, a man who owns a small business but apparently no socks; Colin (sales director, 36), who says his burgundy velvet jacket is made of "husband material," and now these two jabronis:
ABC Of course they cast twins.
Do you want to die a little inside? Then read Joey and Justin's official ABC bios.
Termayne (crypto guy, 28) strolls up to Gabby and drops a microphone in her hands. "Oh… mic drop?" she asks tentatively. "Yeah. That's right, I did that," says Termayne, before turning and walking in the mansion without even saying hello to Rachel. Blech.
Spencer (graduate student, 27) brings the Bachelorettes the best gift of all:
ABC Gold star for Spencer!
Folding chairs, so they can sit down for a minute. Standing in heels for hours is torture, after all. And they LOVE it. "This might be the best introduction we've seen," raves Rachel. "What a gentleman," adds Gabby. "He's my type."
Side note: I appreciate how Gabby and Rachel are doing their best to make their preferences about the men known from the get-go. It doesn't mean that they won't end up liking the same guy, but they both seem to realize that there's no such thing as too much transparency in a situation like this.
Matt (shipping executive, 25) is about the 40th contestant to say he feels like "the luckiest guy in the world." Nate (electrical engineer, 33) does a callback to Gabby's entrance on The Bachelor by arriving with his own pillow — with Rachel's face printed on one side and Gabby's on the other. Jordan V. (drag racer, 27) jokes that he's "used to some wild and crazy rides," and Erich (real estate analyst, 29) begs the Bachelorettes to help him tie his necktie.
Producers intercut all these introductions with clips of Gabby and Rachel talking about how hard it would be if they fell for the same guy and fretting about how to navigate their "journey." It's a little annoying already, and we're only halfway through the premiere. Like, what is the producers' goal here? Are they hoping to work Gabby and Rachel into such a competitive frenzy over the men that they wind up duking it out in a lily pond like Krystle and Alexis? Take it down a notch, dudes.
Anyhow, all the men have arrived. Let's get this party started! Cheers to… oh crap, Roby grabbed them first.
ABC This is Roby acting natural.
"I don't want this to be the Roby show," notes the magician, after cornering the Bachelorettes and subjecting them to another card trick. He then tries to carry on a conversation with them both, which is polite, I guess, but also extremely awkward. Gabby and Rachel are clearly praying for someone to rescue them — and someone does. Unfortunately, it's the twins.
"We wanted to meet you guys together because obviously we're twins, but we want you to see the differences between us," says Justin or Joey. "I'm a little bit more of a laid-back, reserved kind of person… He's more of a bold, out-there type." Rachel is excellent at feigning interest, but Gabby — God bless her — has a terrible poker face.
ABC ILHSM
"The conversation with the twins and Rachel and I — it just ain't working for me, kind of, romantically," she admits. I love her so much.
Okay, producers — you got your cringe-comedy bits. Time to let the Bachelorettes divide and conquer. Rachel peels off to talk to Jordan H. (headphones guy), and she really does appreciate his efforts to treat each Bachelorette as her own person. Ryan (clown wig guy) pulls Gabby aside to teach her some official Boston lingo. He's even got a whiteboard and everything. They have a flirtatiously contentious back-and-forth — she teases him about his handwriting, he tells her to zip it when she keeps talking through his presentation. "Ryan is really fun," says Gabby. "I feel like we have great energy right off the bat."
Hayden sits with Rachel next, and they bond over their Florida roots. And though I am still angry at Hayden for upsetting Gabby sometime in the future, he does treat Rachel to a very sweet gesture: A homemade card for her recent birthday, complete with a little drawing of an airplane on the front. (Get it? Cuz she's a pilot!)
ABC Aw, Hayden is crafty.
"He really went out of his way to let me know that he's interested in being here for me," says Rachel. "I definitely feel a spark with Hayden."
Gabby's next one-on-one chat is with Jacob, who still hasn't put on a shirt — but he did bring a list of what he looks for in a woman. As he rattles off some of his desired attributes ("open and honest with her feelings," "takes care of herself physically"), Gabby keeps getting distracted by the view.
ABC This is a totally normal scenario.
"His pecs are rock hard," she reports. "I can't stop looking at them." Gabby's a little disappointed in how shy Jacob — and all the men — have been so far. "I thought they were going to be kissing all over the place," she says. "But they haven't been." Sheesh, what's a smokin'-hot ICU nurse gotta do to get a smooch around here?
Rachel isn't getting any action either. She has a spark-filled chat with Aven by the fireplace, and even though he kept "inching closer" to her, the conversation ended without a kiss. Jordan V. pulls her aside next to show her the dragster he races.
ABC Vrooom.
What I like about this move is that Jordan isn't expecting Rachel to be impressed by a fast car — he's instead trying to connect with her over the fact they both operate very complicated machines for a living. "You spent hours and hours learning how to fly a plane, learning the controls, all of that," he says. "I kind of did the same thing… Hopefully, one day maybe you can show me how to fly a plane. Maybe one day I can show you how to drive this thing." She LOVES it — and it only gets better when Jordan V. announces, "I came here for you."
There's a moment of charged tension — kiss her! kiss her! — but instead, Jordan just starts talking about horsepower. "I thought the moment was right," says Rachel, disappointed. "I know it's only night one, but… Clayton kissed me on night one."
Mario the personal trainer makes the night's first move, after he and Gabby have a thoughtful yet laugh-filled conversation about emotional openness. He accidentally hits the patellar reflex spot on her knee, and that one touch is enough to open the door to a bigger physical "connecting point."
ABC Nice work, Mario!
Sure, it wasn't the most passionate kiss, but it's a start. Gabby likes it; every time Mario pulls away to take a breath, she continues to lean in, offering the universal signal for, "Keep kissing me, dummy!"
Meanwhile, Tino leads Rachel over to Casa Bachelor's interior stairs for a little exposure therapy. "I figured you might have a little bit of a troubled past with the stairs," he explains, referencing Rachel's well-documented staircase cry during that disastrous rose ceremony with Cl*yt*n. "Maybe you'll remember the stairs really fondly now." After a minute or two of small talk, Tino requests permission to lock lips. Permission granted!
ABC Nice work, Tino!
"The stairs are already getting a little bit better," says Rachel with a giggle. Finally, a little passion for our rose queens. Time for a quick gossip sesh.
ABC Tea time.
Gabby fills Rachel in on her cute chat with Mario and her one-on-one talk with Shirtless Jacob by the fireplace. Rachel raves about Hayden, Jordan V., and Tino, and they both squeal over sharing their first kisses of the night. Oh hey, look what time it is!
ABC It takes two to make a thing go right.
The First Impression Rose(s) are here. Cue all the talk about mounting pressure and things getting real. Which two men will earn the coveted first boutonnieres? Logan — who just got pooped on again by his hostage chicks, Mary Beth and Alejandra — is gunning hard for one of those roses. And he's come armed with some simple get-to-know-you questions. For Rachel, it's "What's your biggest fear?" (His: Sharks. Hers: Clowns.) Yikes, here's hoping he washed all the chicken poop off his hands before draping his arm around Rachel.
ABC Logan gets handsy.
"I'm very attracted to Logan," says Rachel. Slow down, honey — Captain Poopy Hands hasn't made his decision yet. After talking to Rachel, Logan tracks down Gabby. "You seem so fun," he says, before hitting her with another icebreaker: When she goes to the movies, does she buy candy at the concession stand or smuggle it in? (It's the latter for both.) "Logan's great," says Gabby. "He's super endearing. I feel like we have similar senses of humor… He's somebody that I have my eye on for the future."
Great, fine. Are you happy now, producers? Both women said they liked talking to the same guy. How incredibly scandalous! (Can we move on now, please?)
Hmmm… looks like Gabby and Erich are getting cozy on the couch. He keeps telling her how gorgeous she looks. "Thank you," she coos, before adding: "I have fake hair, a fake tan… But you can't tell because boys are dumb." Erich jokes that his mullet isn't real either — and that gets a big laugh from Gabby. The two of them spend most of their time together cracking up, and since laughter is the key to Gabby's heart, here's what happens next:
ABC Gabby and Erich make small talk.
That's nice. Erich follows it up with a flirty chat with Rachel — but he doesn't go in for the kiss. "They're both amazing," he says of the Bachelorettes. "I can see how this is going to get complicated very quickly." Though Erich thinks he has a shot at Rachel's FIR, instead it goes to… Tino, master of staircases!
ABC Tino's efforts are rewarded.
I thought Jordan V. the drag racer was the one Rachel would pick, but I guess his failure to kiss her when he had the chance cost him some points.
One FIR down, one to go. "One guy's really standing out to me," says Gabby. No, Erich, it's not you this time either. Gabby gives her rose to… Mario!
ABC Mario FTW!
"I'm kinda pissed to be honest," grouses Erich. Suck it up, pal — these women don't owe you anything.
And on that note… Tink! Tink! Tink! Here comes Jesse Palmer with his Butter Knife of Bad News. The cocktail party is over and it's time for the rose ceremony. Gabby and Rachel step outside for a pre-ceremony huddle. Neither of them feels ready to hand out roses, because there are so many men they haven't yet talked to. "This is our journey," says Rachel. "I don't see why we couldn't bend the rules at least a little bit."
Palmer pops by to say that the Bachelorettes can do whatever they want. That said, he suggests if there are guys they're definitely not feeling, it's probably best to send them packing sooner rather than later. Cut to:
ABC Roby, Joey, and Justin, you ride (home) at dawn.
Yep, that's the end of the line for Roby and the twins. Rather than cutting them at the rose ceremony, Rachel and Gabby bring them outside for a more private dumping. "We've kind of come to a decision that there might not be a connection there for us," says Rachel gently. "We really, really appreciate you guys coming."
So, who will get roses? No one! Look — the table is empty!
ABC Something's missing here...
You see, Gabby and Rachel have decided to skip the night-one rose ceremony because they haven't had a chance to talk to all of the men. "We are asking you to move forward with us next week, and cancel the rose ceremony tonight," says Gabby. Champagne for everyone! (I guess they all chugged it, because by the time they do the sunrise toast, everyone's glass is empty.)
Holy cow, is the premiere over already? Yep, because we're suddenly deep into the "this season on The Bachelorette" preview. After a montage of make-out sessions, we get some quick-cut clips of Meatball, Termayne, and Alec (apparently) rejecting Rachel's rose. (Deceptive editing? Let's hope so. If that all happens in one rose ceremony, it'll be brutal.) Then Hayden shuts things down with Gabby, and that leads to the Ugly Cry portion of the preview. And I'm sorry, did I just spy Logan — the dum-dum with the baby chicks — making Gabby cry because he still has feelings for someone else who may or may not be Rachel? The sheer audacity of that man.
Welp, rose lovers — we made it through night one. How are you feeling about this Dual Bachelorette situation so far? Which guys do you like — and for which woman? And between Blanco, Mary Beth, and Alejandra, was this the shi---est season premiere… ever? Post your thoughts below!
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