The Bachelorette revealed Clare's men. I have concerns.
Not to speak for all of Bachelor Nation, but most fans were pretty excited by ABC's announcement that 38-year-old Clare Crawley will be the new star of The Bachelorette. Though we didn't get to meet any of the guys on Tuesday's dumpster-fire of a Bachelor finale, ABC posted photos Wednesday of the 32 men in the running to win Clare's heart on the show's official Facebook page. A few of these guys will likely get cut before the new season premieres on Monday, May 18, but in the meantime, I'd like to take a minute to examine these potential husbands and talk through a few red flags.
John Fleenor/ABC THE BACHELORETTE - The new bachelorette Clare Crawley. (ABC/John Fleenor) CHRIS HARRISON, CLARE CRAWLEY
Red flag no. 1: Why are all these men so young?
Clare Crawley is a hairdresser in Sacramento, an occasional Instagram influencer, and a grown-ass woman. Yet Bachelorette producers only managed to find one man her own age (Mike T., from Calgary), and only one man over 40 (Bret E. from Provo, UT, below). There are also only eight men in their 30s (including Mike T.).
ABC Bret E., 42 (Provo, UT)
While I understand that casting for The Bachelorette probably began before producers knew exactly who their First Lady was going to be, one of the reasons fans were excited about Clare is because she's an adult. A woman who is old enough to know what she wants from a life partner. Sure, it is technically possible for men in their mid-to-late '30s to be emotionally (and financially) ready to settle down... but Clare only has three guys in that age bracket to choose from: Mike T., Bret E., and 36-year-old Ed W. from Miami). The majority of her prospects are "men" in their 20s, and as we all know, rose lovers, men in their 20s are straight-up useless.
Red flag No. 2: Far too many questionable fashion/grooming choices going on here
In case you haven't noticed, Clare Crawley is a total smokeshow. She's also a hairdresser by trade, so what in the name of all that's holy are Bachelorette producers doing casting a guy like Jake M. from Colorado (below)? Not only is he 25, the guy's hair is... unfortunate, and he has a soul patch. A SOUL PATCH! Honestly, if Clare sees Jake's photo and quits in a huff, I would not blame her. This casting choice is just hostile.
ABC Jake M., 25 (Lafayette, CO)
Speaking of hostile, I can only assume that producers hate poor Austin B. from Cut Off, La. Why else would they allow him to pose for his "official" photo in gray blazer over a saggy, way-too-long, green T-shirt? (See below.) You mean to tell me there wasn't one photo assistant or producer there who could have taken pity on the guy and said, "Hey Austin, you know what? Let's see if we can find you another T-shirt over here on the rack." And if this was a come-as-you-are photo shoot, then why didn't someone tell him to tuck in his damn shirt??? Rude, I tell you.
ABC Austin B., 28 (Cut Off, LA)
Red flag No. 3: A few too many "Florida Men"
If you've ever listened to my colleague Dalton Ross on EW Live, you'll know that there's nothing he loves more than a Florida Man story. While not all Florida men turn out to be a "Florida Man," enough of them exhibit such entertainingly bats--t behavior that there are websites and multiple ranked lists devoted to tracking their antics. Now, I'm not saying any of the seven(!) Bachelorette contestants from Florida have ever done something like flash his junk at IHOP or called 911 to report that his roommate stole his weed, but why tempt fate, ABC?
Red flag No. 4: I repeat, Why are all these men so damn young???
The majority of Clare's men are in their 20s. As stated before, men in their 20s are useless. I'm sure some (if not all) of these young guys are lovely people, and I'd be happy to see an adorable dude like Demar J. (below) show up on a season where the Bachelorette was also too young to know what the hell she wants. But Clare absolutely should not (and God willing, will not) marry a man who was an infant the year she entered 5th grade.
ABC Demar J., 26 (Scottsdale, AZ)
Take a look at all of Clare's would-be suitors here, rose lovers, and then let me know your thoughts in the comments.
The Bachelorette premieres Monday, May 18 on ABC.
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