The Bachelorette recap: A kiss before crying
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This is getting exhausting, rose lovers. Every season on The Bachelorette or The Bachelor, we are inevitably subjected to a contestant who suddenly realizes what show they signed up for — and they are not happy about it. This week, that contestant was Brayden.
Let's recap!
Spirits are high as we join our Bachelorette for week two of her "journey."
ABC Charity shares her excitement
Ugh, she is gorgeous. Is it me or does she look amazing in every color? Plus, she's funny! Whoever gets this first date better bring his A+++ game.
The men, meanwhile, are settling into the mansion. This is also the first we're hearing that Adrian, the 33-year-old realtor, has a daughter. "We sacrifice things for what we want," he explains. "And I want love."
And I want someone to start a Twitter feed dedicated solely to documenting every pair of earrings Brayden wears each episode.
ABC Brayden rocks a bunch of accessories on 'The Bachelorette'
Side note: I rarely (if ever) listen to any "official" Bachelor franchise podcasts, but when I found out Joe and Serena asked Brayden to explain his earring choice on their show, I checked it out. Here is the Cliffs Notes version: "I was in the Army, and in the Army, you're not allowed to wear earrings," Brayden explained. "So, when I got out, it was kind of just like, I wanted to just go for it. And so I got my ears pierced, and then I got the craziest earrings I could. I feel like they kind of represent how I'm feeling in the moment."
Alrighty then!
Side note No. 2: Did Brayden really think "May the best man win" was the best way to toast Charity? Gross. Moving on!
Gather 'round in the living room, fellas — host Jesse Palmer is here to drop off the first date card. It's a one-on-one date, and it goes to… Aaron B.!
Congrats, sir. But please, no spoken word poetry this time, okay? Charity picks him up in a vintage Mustang convertible — and you better believe the Bachelorette is driving.
ABC Aaron B. and Charity on 'The Bachelorette'
On the drive, Charity and Aaron chat about music (they both like old-school hip-hop) and discover that they each have military parents. They leave the freeway and start motoring along some windy side streets up a mountain. It's especially impressive given that this is Charity's first time driving in Los Angeles, which is one of my biggest phobias. At last, they arrive at their destination.
ABC Hooray for Hollywood
Turns out, it's the 100th anniversary of the Hollywood sign, which Charity dutifully mentions. (I'm guessing whatever fees may have been associated with getting permits to film this already low-budget date were waived in exchange for that promotional consideration.) Speaking of things that have lasted for a long time, Charity and Aaron B. both have parents who've been married for decades, and that's the kind of relationship they want. "I haven't felt this spark in a minute," admits Aaron B. as he caresses Charity's back. "God, it just feels so good." I bet you can guess what happens next, rose lovers.
ABC Charity and Aaron B. kiss on 'The Bachelorette'
Oh, for Pete's sake, Aaron B. just pulled out his lucky coin again. He and Charity are now standing in front of the Hollywood sign, and Aaron B. thinks that'd be a great time to make another wager. "If it's heads, we get that everlasting love we were talking about," he says. Finally, he admits that it's a double-sided coin, and Charity thinks it's hilarious. They smooch some more as the giant "L" looms behind them.
In keeping with the Old Hollywood theme, the evening portion of Charity and Aaron B.'s date takes place at the Los Angeles Theater. Over dinner, Aaron B. gushes to Charity about his little brother, who knows his "deepest, darkest secrets," and his "protective" and loving friend group. As for his last serious relationship, Aaron B. admits that he "wasn't the best boyfriend at all" during the four years they were dating. "I struggled with active listening, I struggled with communication," he says. "It's something that I messed up."
In an effort to "get better" at relationships, Aaron started going to therapy to help overcome his pride. It wasn't easy, he says, because some partners tried to "take advantage" of his newfound vulnerability by flirting with other guys. I'm not 100 percent sure I understand what he's saying — like, how did Aaron getting in touch with his emotions allow his girlfriends to treat him with disrespect? — but props to him for embracing the concept of personal growth.
Also, the Bachelorette LOVES it. "There's nothing more attractive than somebody who is going to put in the work to become a better person for their future partner," she says. "That is what I'm looking for in a man." Go on and give that man the date rose, ma'am! Wait… what's that? We have to watch you and Aaron B. dance awkwardly to a "private" concert by Lauren Alaina first? Ugh, fine.
ABC Charity and Aaron B. dance on 'The Bachelorette'
"If this is the sign of what's to come, it's a really good feeling," says Charity, choking up.
Group date time! Dotun, Tanner, Adrian, John, Caleb A., Caleb B., Kaleb K., Xavier, James, Aaron S., Sean, and Brayden arrive at the beach in Venice to meet Charity for a little "sun's out, buns out" fun. At first, the activities are tame — sandcastles, touch football — but then Palmer appears out of nowhere, airhorn in hand. "That can't be a good sign," says John the adorable data scientist.
Correct, sir. It's time for the fourth annual Bachelorette Dodge Bowl! Winners go to the after-party, losers go home in shame. And everyone plays the game in… this:
ABC Charity and Jesse Palmer on 'The Bachelorette'
"Sports cups are mandatory!" bellows the host, as the men head to the makeshift dressing cubicles that the Bachelor interns spent all morning setting up on the beach. Hey, at least they won't be playing naked, like they did on Clare's season. Jokes Aaron S., "I can't believe we're doing this when Yosef has a daughter at home!" (I'm sure that line was fed to him by a producer, but it still made me LOL.) Shield your eyes, impressionable viewers — here come the banana hammocks.
ABC The beach boys on 'The Bachelorette'
Charity joins Palmer and sports anchor Liz Habib at the commentators' table. She's hoping to see good sportsmanship and spirited effort on the court. She gets both from Xavier, who just hammers away at the green team until he picks them all off. Round two begins with pro wrestler Caleb B. going in hard — but not always with the best aim.
ABC Caleb pegs a spectator
Dang, producers, maybe next time invest in a fence? John, Caleb B., Xavier, and Adrian each prove themselves to be adept at the game of dodgeball, and the two teams go back and forth until the score is 2 to 2. Though Adrian manages to knock three people out with one throw (!) in the final game, the match goes to pink — 3 to 2. Still, Adrian gets the MVP award, which means he gets to join the pink team at the after-party. Congrats, buddy.
Brayden and his dangly pearl earrings sit down with Charity first. She tells him he can ask her anything about herself, but instead, all he wants to do is have her reiterate why she gave him the First Impression Rose. (Why bother to get to know more about the woman you're allegedly trying to date?) "I definitely am crushin' on you," he says. "I want to explore what further connections we can have." Wow, what a meaningless string of words! In his confessional, Brayden explains that his talk with Charity made him feel like "that moment in Avatar when they connect their braids." Uh, I'll take your word for it, bro. He also suggests he may be her "number one pick," but it's pretty clear he knows that he sounds like an idiot.
Everyone be quiet! John the adorable data scientist is having his one-on-one time with Charity! Did you know he used to be a professional basketball player? And Charity was a cheerleader in school! These two are made for each other! Yes, I am trying to manifest John and Charity as the final couple!
Back in the holding pen, Caleb A., Kaleb K., Brayden, Adrian, and Xavier are talking about the date rose. "If I don't get it right now, what does that mean for where her head's at with me?" wonders Brayden. "To go from having the First Impression Rose to not being on a one-on-one date? It's hard for me." Caleb A. is like, "Aren't you being kind of an egotistical asshat?" (I'm paraphrasing), and Brayden does admit, "Maybe I sound like a spoiled brat. I don't want a First Impression Rose, I want your time." Adrian disagrees, saying that the rose is "super significant" because it guarantees "more time" with Charity.
When Adrian brings up his MVP award, Brayden feels the need to jump in and say that Caleb B. was "in the running" for the title too. "No offense, man, I wouldn't have picked you for the MVP," he adds. Oh, but plenty of offense was taken, sir. Adrian and Brayden bicker back and forth about the MVP award, and frankly, they both should be embarrassed. Xavier, for one, is over it.
Calgon, take him away
But Adrian believes it's just Brayden who is "acting like a child," adding, "It seems like he's here for spring break." He brings that chip-on-his-shoulder attitude with him to his sit-down time with Charity. "I didn't come here to, like, kick it with the guys," he says. "I sacrificed a lot to come here. One of those sacrifices is that I have a daughter. That's my everything." Adrian adds that it was "really, really hard" for him to leave her, and you'd think that he'd spend a little more time telling the Bachelorette about his daughter. Instead, he just starts griping about how some of the other guys are "playing games" and "having a blast" like it's spring break.
Even worse, when Charity tries to press him for specifics, Adrian sidesteps the question and tells the Bachelorette that she's "smart" and will be able to figure it out for herself. Yes, but also, dude, if you're going to start throwing around accusations unprompted, you better be willing to provide some receipts.
There's nothing left for Charity to do than give all the guys a warning. "There were some things that were shared with me that there might be people here treating this like a spring break," she says gravely. "I'm not interested in that… My purpose is solely for me finding my person." With that, she gives the rose to… John the adorable data scientist!!!!
John and Charity on 'The Bachelorette'
That's how you do it, folks. Our numbers nerd king isn't here for the drama. Once Charity leaves, producers make the guys sit in the holding pen and share their reactions to the Bachelorette's spring break comments. "I don't feel like those words were meant for me, you know what I'm saying?" (Yes, yes, we do Brayden. Please stop asking if we know what you're saying. We know. I promise.)
Adrian doesn't own up to tattling to Charity, but he does say he sees a lot of "playing" in the house. "It's not a spring break for me." Brayden pushes back, saying that there's no reason for them all to be "solemn" in the house when Charity isn't there — and I agree with him. Who cares if people are doing flips into the pool? They've got nothing else to do at the mansion but work out, sleep, and hang out by the pool. It's not like Brayden was getting fall-down drunk and vomiting into the hot tub — otherwise, you just know we would have seen it.
The second group date of the week goes to Josh, John Henry, Michael, Warwick, Joey, and Spencer. Plus, our season 19 Bachelorettes are here!
Season 19 Bachelorettes Rachel and Gabby
Today's date is a competition of sorts, and the winner will have the chance to break the record for "the longest kiss in Bachelor Nation history" with Charity. On a stage. In front of an audience. Cool, no notes. The last record was set by none other than Sean Lowe himself back in 2013.
Sean Lowe and a woman who is not his wife on 'The Bachelor'
I'm sure his wife, Catherine, is going to be super psyched to take this walk down memory lane.
Hold up there, Joey! Don't slather on the Chapstick just yet. First, Gabby and Rachel are going to grill you and the rest of the guys Newlywed Gang style to help Charity decide which one to choose as her kiss king.
ABC The men give Charity a sign on 'The Bachelorette'
Oh no, Warwick spelled "demeanor" as "demenor." That's cause for instant elimination. The men are then asked to demonstrate their "ultimate makeout" technique, either on their fist or the communal microphone (gross). It's not attractive at all, but Joey still manages to win all the Bachelorettes over. "Joey will not stop looking at you," Rachel whispers to Charity. "It's like, every single time he can make eye contact, he does."
For the final stage of the competition, each man has one minute to share a story about a memorable kiss from their past. Joey, however, decides to rhapsodize about a hypothetical kiss — the record-breaking smooch he hopes to share with Charity. And the Bachelorette LOVES it. Guess what, sir? Your fantasy is about to become a reality. Thankfully, producers don't make us watch them make out for three-plus minutes, which is good — I'm not sure I could handle that much secondary PDA.
ABC Charity and Joey make out on 'The Bachelorette'
The men, however, are forced to stand there and watch the whole darn thing. "This sucks," grumbles John Henry. And it just keeps sucking: Even after the bell rings at three minutes and 22 seconds, Joey and Charity kiss and kiss and kiss until the clock says 4:25. "Why did no one tell us to stop?" asks Charity. "They did!" replies a producer. "You just didn't hear them!"
Things go from bad to worse for the rest of the guys, who learn that only Joey will be continuing on for the evening portion of the date. "I thought I would get more time with her today," says Josh with a sigh. It does seem unfair. Joey already got plenty of makeout time — give some other cuties a chance!
When Josh, John Henry, Michael, Warwick, and Spencer get back to the mansion, they break the bad news to the rest of the guys about the record-breaking kiss and Joey's surprise one-on-one date. "For most of it, it was a great date," says Josh, trying to focus on the positive. But Brayden doesn't even like hearing about the date, and he whines enough about it that the other guys are (once again) annoyed with him. "So, what would you have done?" asks Josh. "Thrown a fit and walked away?" This turns into another argument between Brayden and Adrian, who blasts Mr. Earrings for implying that Josh's feelings about the situation were wrong.
And then things take a hard left turn into Red Flag territory, by way of Tantrum Town.
ABC Don't let the door hit you, buddy
"I feel like they were disrespected," huffs Brayden. "I'm not going to put up with someone disrespecting another human being in any regard… To be honest, I don't know if this is someone I can have a relationship with."
Dude, what? Oh my God, I guess we must go over this again. You agreed to be on a show called The Bachelorette, the very premise of which is that one woman — in this case, Charity — dates multiple men until she finds the one she wants to marry. Part of that "dating" involves kissing… and more. It's not "disrespect," buddy, it's the reality of the reality show you signed up for. Will these men never learn?
Anyhow, during his surprise one-on-one date, Joey uses the time to Open Up™ to Charity about growing up with divorced parents. "I felt love from both of them," he says. Then comes the real bombshell: "My parents broke up actually because my dad came out. So my dad, when I was about in kindergarten, came out as gay." Joey goes on to say that his parents maintained a strong connection and were wonderful parents to him and his siblings. "It's amazing to see the love they still have for each other," he adds. "It taught me how important love is... It's made me now a more loving and accepting person."
Oh man, that is very moving and sweet. Now I really want Joey to get a hometown so we can meet his family. Do I even need to tell you that Joey gets the date rose?
ABC Charity and Joey on 'The Bachelorette'
The next day, Palmer comes to see the guys a few hours before the rose ceremony. He says the cocktail party is being replaced by a backyard barbecue and that Charity is on her way over.
Somehow, Brayden is still there even though the night before he was vowing to pack his knives and go. Ohhhh, now he's saying that he's going to give Charity a chance to explain herself first. "If I don't hear what I need to hear from her, then I'm just going to get up and go home," he explains. Sure you are, pal.
While Xavier and Aaron B. man the grill, the Bachelorette pulls Dotun for the first one-on-one chat of the afternoon. As much as I love John the adorable data analyst, I'm also a big, big, big fan of this very tall and handsome integrative medicine specialist from Brooklyn, N.Y.
"I'm having a great time," he tells the Bachelorette. Though he initially had doubts about doing the show, Dotun reiterates that learning Charity was the Bachelorette "sealed the deal" for him. "I want to hit you with some realness about me and who I really am," he continues. Dotun pulls out his "resident alien" card, which he received when he came to America when he was 4 years old.
ABC Dotun and Charity on 'The Bachelorette'
"This little kid means everything to me," says Dotun, referring to the photo of his 4-year-old self. The Bachelorette LOVES it. "I've already known that there is so much depth to you, but I just want to know more," she says. Oh man, I think I may be shipping these two even harder than Charity and John. Dotun ends the conversation by asking politely for a kiss, assuring Charity that it doesn't have to be "the longest kiss in the world." Love him.
Tanner, a man we haven't seen much of so far, goes next. "When it comes to intentions, I promise you I'm one of the guys here that's here for the Right Reasons™," he says. "I'm truly ready for my forever person." Sean has a mini mini-golf date with Charity in the driveway because, of course, this guy likes golf. At long last, it's Brayden's turn. He's dressed for the solemnity of the occasion, in a maroon velvet shirt and a pair of dangling feather earrings.
ABC Charity and Brayden on 'The Bachelorette'
He reminds us once again that his bags are packed, and everything is riding on whether he is satisfied by Charity's answers regarding the group date. He starts off by telling the Bachelorette that he was "thrown for a loop" by the kissing contest. "I had a lot of doubt about your character to some degree," he adds. "When I heard what happened, I felt so bad for those guys… I felt like I was lied to in that moment when I heard what happened. And I was just like, 'How can I be here?' I'm going to be honest with you: I was ready to run away."
Oh my God. The person who should be running away — and fast — is Charity. How dare this dumb-dumb try to impugn the Bachelorette's character. Somehow Charity does not seem angry at Brayden. Instead, she tries to explain her motivation in that situation. "It makes me sad to hear that I was frustrating you," she groans. Ugh, do not be sad about this guy. Clearly, this is all just a power play by Brayden — he wants to make her feel bad for doing the very thing she came there to do. Blech.
Adrian, on the other hand, uses his time to apologize to Charity for worrying her with his spring break comments. "I know that's been heavy on you, and that was not my intention," he says. The Bachelorette assures him that she appreciated his candor, and then asks him to be more specific about the "immature" behavior he's seeing in the house. At first, Adrian cites general things, like "a lack of emotional intelligence," but then he decides to name names when it came to the aftermath of the kissing date. "Brayden, he was kind of invalidating Josh's feelings," he continues, explaining that while Josh said he still had a good time on the date, Brayden called the whole thing "classless" and "disrespectful." Charity does NOT love it.
ABC Charity is displeased on 'The Bachelorette'
"To be called 'classless,' that's… that's just not the word that was used in our conversation," says Charity. She's confused: Did Adrian mishear something or is Brayden being manipulative? You and I know the answer, rose lovers, but she can't hear us no matter how loud we scream at the TV.
The Bachelorette is so bummed she leaves the barbecue early, and Palmer informs the guys that the party is over. Once again, the men sit around wondering what happened, and Adrian fesses up to being the last man to have a conversation with her. "She did ask me about last night, so I just let her know what happened in the moment and what I felt, and obviously [what happened] with me and Brayden," he says.
This turns into yet another fight between Brayden and Adrian, and the rest of the guys are beyond over it. "This s--- is stupid," fumes Aaron S. "There are a lot of guys that didn't get to talk to her, and some of us are going home today." Adds Joey, "At this point, they're kind of a distraction. It might be best for both of them to go home."
Well, rose lovers, let's all cross our fingers and toes because it's time for the rose ceremony roll call! Joining Aaron B., John, and Joey in the Circle of Safety™ are: Dotun, Tanner, Caleb B., Warwick, Michael, Sean, Xavier, Aaron S., James, Adrian, and Brayden (😫). This means it's time to say goodbye to Caleb A., Kaleb K., John Henry, Josh, and Spencer. (Poor Spencer can't even find anyone to give him a farewell bro hug when it's time to say goodbye. He finally has to tap Michael on the shoulder to get someone to acknowledge his existence.)
Because he has absolutely no ability to read a room, Brayden ends the night by making a toast — though it's really more of a boast. "Thank you for choosing me and thank you for allowing me to stay here and connect with you more," he says as Adrian tries really hard not to roll his eyes.
Welp, rose lovers, looks like we'll have to put up with Brayden for a while longer. (The preview shows him getting a rose next week, too.) Are you surprised Charity kept him and Adrian this week? Are you loving John and Dotun as much as I am? And would you rather kiss someone for four minutes in front of a crowd or shave your bikini line in public? Let me know on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
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