The Bachelorette recap: 'I'm not here to teach dudes how to act'
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That was fast, eh rose lovers? Just three episodes into their dual "journey," our Bachelorettes decided it was time to divide the men into two distinct groups: Team Gabby and Team Rachel. As well they should! After seeing how insensitive some of the men were to Gabby this week, she would have been well within her rights to hold on to alllll of her roses. Speaking of which, tonight's rose ceremony was an absolute s---show.
Let's recap!
It's morning in the mansion, and the 21 remaining men are chatting about the only topic that matters in this house: Gabby or Rachel? "I feel like I already know something is there with me and Gabby," says Termayne. "But I still have to explore Rachel and I's [sic] connection first before I can, you know, choose a lane here." (Oof, I don't know which phrase makes me wince more: "Rachel and I's" or "choose a lane.")
ABC Rachel and Gabby on 'The Bachelorette'
Over at the Bachelorette Pad, Gabby and Rachel drink coffee on the terrace and discuss how the next leg of their "journey" should go. "I would feel so much better moving forward if I knew where the guys were at," says Rachel. Gabby agrees, noting that it's up to the men to "be assertive" and decide ASAP. At this point, she adds, any man who chooses to linger in the middle is officially "kinda sketch."
Correct! We'll find out who those sketchy dudes are until this week's group date — but that'll happen later. First up: Rachel's one-on-one date with Zach. (That's this guy, in case you were wondering. I still can't remember any of these dudes' names… except for Nate.)
Though this is only the third one-on-one date of the season, producers are already leaping ahead to an old stand-by: The Pretty Woman date! Or in this case, maybe we should call it the Queer Eye for the Straight Couple date. Please welcome…
ABC Karamo makes his 'Bachelorette' debut
Over champagne, Karamo informs Rachel and Zach that they'll be attending a "very exclusive movie premiere" in the evening — and he'll be glamming them up before they go.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Gabby pops in on the guys to hang out and get to know some of the lingerers a little better. Surely, they'll all welcome her graciously and make her feel special, right? Gabby hopes so. "I'm really excited to see who shows effort and who shows that they are here for me," she says. Cut to…
ABC To quote Gabby, "Boys are dumb."
Yep. Rather than engaging with Gabby, a bunch of these knuckleheads decide that now would be a great time to play a little pickup football. (Is "pickup football" a thing? Don't answer that.)
Gabby does NOT love it. "I don't want to play anymore," she says, after dodging the pigskin for the umpteenth time. "I didn't want to play to start." Even the guys who aren't throwing the football don't seem to be paying much attention to Gabby. A handful of guys chat with Gabby, while most of the other men just mill about sipping their drinks and shooting the shiz with each other.
"The lack of effort is a decision at this point," says Gabby. "I feel like I'm giving so much to them and, like, they're not giving everything back." With that, she walks out of the mansion and heads back to her Bachelorette Pad, deflated and disappointed. Naturally, this triggers all of Gabby's deeply rooted insecurities. "I deserve to be loved, but do I deserve to be loved by the person I want to be loved by?" she says tearfully. "Because it seems like the people that I wanted to love me didn't." (As you may remember, rose lovers, Gabby is estranged from her mother, who was withholding in the love department. So "unlovability" is a big fear for her.)
Maybe producers should see if Karamo can come to the house after he finishes with Rachel's date — because right now, he's putting Zach on the spot. "There are two women in the house," he says. "Is [Gabby] completely off the table for you?" Way to get right to the point, Karamo! Zach is unfazed by the question, which is a good sign. He turns to Rachel and declares his clear preference: "I had this feeling with you, almost right out of the gate. I felt that there were sparks, or chemistry," he says. "I just knew in that moment that it didn't matter that there were two Bachelorettes. I felt something with you."
Good answer! See, rose lovers? It is possible to declare a preference for one woman without insulting the other. (More on this later.) Now go put on some pretty clothes and get ready for the "very exclusive" Hollywood movie premiere!
ABC Zach and Rachel attend a fake movie premiere
Awww, how nice. Disney let producers take over their El Capitan theater, where they have set up a little red carpet and mini step-and-repeat and hired some actors to portray paparazzi. The "movie" is in fact just a bunch of home videos projected onto the big screen — and the soundtrack is a live performance by a young man named Matt White. Apparently two of the folks in this wedding video (featuring a tiny Rachel wishing the bride and groom well) did not sign the release and thus had to be blurred out.
ABC Not everyone wants to be on 'The Bachelorette'
Then it's Zach's turn for a stroll down memory lane. There he is dressed up in a teeny-tiny Robin costume for his first Halloween! Very cute. Both Zach and Rachel receive personal messages of support from their moms — and there are tears all around. "It's really special!" sniffles Rachel.
Things get even more emotional when Rachel learns that Zach's dad was interested in being a pilot — and he used to take his kids to watch planes take off at the airport. "I did that with my dad!" cries Rachel, tearing up again. Go ahead and give him that date rose, woman!
Okay, it's time for one-on-one date number two. Erich, you're up! And you betta do your best to pull Gabby out of her funk. "Going to the house yesterday obviously backfired," she says. Fortunately for this date, Gabby has some reinforcements.
ABC Welcome back, America's Grandpa!
Hell yeah, it's Grandpa John! Much like his granddaughter, this gentleman does not mince words. Erich had better bring his A-game.
Within ten minutes of getting there, Grandpa John seems ready to be the next Bachelor. "Have you got a date for me?" he asks Gabby. Later, he inquires if there are a lot of "good-looking chicks" in Santa Monica, where Erich lives. "Grandpa!" scolds Gabby. "You are a pervert!" Awww come on, Gabby. Grandpas deserve a little action, too.
Oh lord — what kind of woo-woo nonsense is this?
ABC A sound bath for all on 'The Bachelorette'
The woman in the front is named Kirsha, and she's a "sound ceremony host." Here she's leading Gabby and her guys in an "intention-setting ceremony," which is for sure a real thing. From there it's on to a sound bath. Uh-oh, somebody better check on Grandpa. Looks like he may have gotten a little too relaxed.
ABC Grandpa has the right idea
"At my age, any new experience is a good experience," says Grandpa diplomatically. "Okay — where's my beer?" I love him.
From there it's on to the bowling alley, which is much more Grandpa's speed. Gabby asks a "random" little old lady named Julie to team up with Grandpa, and the foursome go head-to-head on the lanes. Gabby's having a great time, especially since Erich is enjoying what he calls the "senior citizens bowling tour." Side note: Is anyone else shipping Julie and Grandpa John? Because I am.
ABC They literally could not be a cuter couple
For his part, Erich makes sure that Gabby knows he's interested in her and does not feel much of a "connection" with Rachel. Over dinner, he tells the Bachelorette about his parents, who are "deep soulmates" and "the best team that I've ever seen." Gabby admits that it's hard for her to Open Up™ because she's "been hurt so many times by a parent." It's absolutely heartbreaking to hear her say, "I'll maybe never know what it's like to have a mother's love." Gah, I just want to give this poor woman a hug.
Naturally, Gabby gets emotional sharing this with Erich, and if the edit is to be believed, he… just sits there? Maybe he's not sure what to say and is just trying to be there and listen, but I wish he had opened his mouth to offer some kind of support or reassurance. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Gabby steps away from the table to talk to the producers.
ABC Poor Gabby
Survey says: Absolutely not! Gabby, you are a queen. Please stop doubting yourself. And please stop worrying that Erich will decide that you're "too complicated" and "messy." Sometimes family members are the ones that hurt us the most — and that's on them, not you.
Eventually, Gabby returns to the table where Erich's been waiting patiently. "This week, it's all landed so heavy. Like, 'Am I the right person for [The Bachelorette]?'" she explains. Erich seems a little uncomfortable, but he assures Gabby that she's a "really unique person" and that he will "not hold anything back" with her.
Rose lovers, the way Gabby just quietly gets up, sits on Erich's lap, and nestles her head on his shoulder — it was just too bittersweet for words. In moments like this you can just see the little girl inside her aching for a hug from her mom. It's almost too much to bear. Anyhoo, Erich gets the date rose.
Group date time! And look who's here:
ABC Franco is back on 'The Bachelorette'
Hi Franco! Welcome back. (Love the pink accent on your right lapel, by the way.) Franco is here for the traditional Photo Shoot date, and he's got his work cut out for him because there are 19 men to shoot. But Franco's ready with all sorts of bizarre setups. For example, "Homoerotic Car Wash":
ABC Uh, sure
There's also "Creepy Man Baby":
ABC File under: 'Things you can never unsee'
Last week we had to endure Meatball dousing himself in pasta sauce, and this week producers put him in an adult diaper? That's just straight-up hostile.
After working their way through other weird set-ups (including Hospital Horror Show, Airplane Agony, and Adam and Eve, which you might remember from Nick's season), it's time for the proposal pics. And for these photos, the guys get to wear actual suits. It's unclear if each man is photographed proposing to each Bachelorette, but the two stand-outs seem to be Tino's proposal to Rachel ("The way I feel with you, I want forever") and Nate's proposal to Gabby.
ABC Foreshadowing?
"The second I laid eyes on you, I felt like I was meeting my best friend," he tells her. Dang it, why am I getting misty? This isn't even a real proposal.
Oh fun, the after party is at… a football stadium. How romantic. The dudes love it. Aven shares some bubbly with Rachel on the 50-yard line — I mean… I think it's the 50-yard line? I don't really do sports. They toss the football flirtatiously and then smooch in the end zone. "It's really amazing," gushes Rachel. "I'm having such a good time."
The good times keep coming for our blonde Bachelorette. She goes from making out with Aven to smooching with Other Jordan to cuddling and smooching with Tino on a couch the Bachelor Interns plopped down on the field. "I hope Gabby's doing well," says Rachel. "I hope she's making as many connections with some of these guys [as I am]."
Spoiler alert: She is not. First, Gabby sits down with Tyler, who has some news to share. "I just felt, like, a really good connection with Rachel… and I really do want to pursue that," he explains. "I want to be straight up with you… because I respect you so much."
Okay, that can't be fun to hear — but at least Tyler was polite about it and delicate with Gabby's feelings. The same can't be said for Hayden, whose speech starts off bad and just keeps getting worse. "Today gave me a lot of clarity," he says. "I looked at… my own life and why my values line up with, and I do have my intentions fully for Rachel." Uh, ok bro — but what are you trying to imply about Gabby's "values"?
The next part made me want to punch a wall. "I think you have the bubbly aspect to you, the goofy aspect, you're a little bit more — I don't want to say, 'rough around the edges,' but… y'all want people to be very direct with y'all." I'm sorry — what?
First off, Hayden, if you don't want to say, "rough around the edges," then don't f---ing say "rough around the edges"! And while I am the first to admit that it can be very easy to misspeak or express oneself poorly when the pressure is on, how freaking hard would it have been for Hayden to take 30-60 seconds to think about what he was going to say to Gabby before he said it? We all know the guys spend plenty of time sitting around. Instead, Hayden decided to wing it, and as a result his message sounded pretty harsh: You're a messy goofball who is too blunt.
"Being called 'rough around the edges' definitely hurts," sighs Gabby. And the hits just keep on coming.
ABC Ugh, Jacob
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What is wrong with these men? Preferences are fine, but didn't their parents ever teach them that it's not okay to build people up by tearing others down? FFS, just say, "You're great, but I have a stronger connection with Rachel." It's not brain surgery, meatheads! Also, do these men not realize that Gabby and Rachel talk to each other constantly? Any jackassery with one will be reported back to the other.
Poor Gabby is beside herself. "These guys coming to me saying because I'm different they don't want to be with me is, like, validating that maybe I'm too much for people," she says, weeping. "When it comes down to it, I want to be 'rough around the edges,' because I know who I am on the inside and I'm f---ing proud of it.'" Damn right, woman! When will scientists invent the technology that allows us to hug people through the TV screen? I can't take seeing Gabby so sad.
When it comes time to hand out the date roses, Rachel gives hers to Aven, and Gabby gives hers to… NO ONE! Because f--- these guys! "Tonight has been kind of been hard for me in ways," says Gabby. "So, I feel like I can't give a rose tonight." Rachel is shooketh.
ABC Same, girl.
The women excuse themselves for the night, and Gabby immediately fills Rachel in on what went down. When she hears how Hayden and Jacob talked to her BFF, the blonde Bachelorette does NOT love it. "What the f---! Are you kidding me?" she fumes. "What, do they think insulting one of us is going to make the other… Like because there's two of us, they think they can act that way?" Rachel is ready to rip the offending men a new one, but Gabby says she doesn't want to address it tonight. With that, they hug goodnight.
ABC I'm here for this lovefest
"I'm gonna kill 'em," whispers Rachel under her breath. Sisterhood! Though she's had a very rough night, Gabby does not second-guess her decision to hold on to the date rose. "I'm here to find a lifelong partner. I'm not here to teach dudes how to act." Amen! Say it louder for the numskulls in the back!
The next day, Rachel and Gabby discuss how the power dynamic of their respective "journeys" has gotten all out of whack. "We wanted to feel chosen, and we wanted to let [the guys] lean either way," muses Rachel, "but it turned into something ugly." Both women agree that it's time that they "make a change."
As the cocktail party approaches, the guys don't seem to realize that they're on probation. Fortunately, Jesse Palmer is here to set them straight.
ABC Jesse Palmer tells it like it is
The host informs them that the cocktail party is "officially canceled." And now for the really bad news: "Rachel and Gabby realized that this whole thing is not working for them," says Palmer. He explains that Gabby and Rachel want to continue on their journeys separately. "If you accept a rose tonight, you are committing to dating one woman," he warns. "There will be one group of men for Gabby, and there will be another group that is pursuing and committed to Rachel."
In other words: It's decision time, ding-dongs! Time to "choose a lane," as Termayne said at the beginning of the episode. Let's do this!
ABC Time to choose a side, boys
Okay, so here's how it's gonna work. Gabby and Rachel will take turn handing out roses as usual. As each man accepts a rose, he joins either Erich in the #TeamGabby holding pen (a.k.a. the living room), or #TeamRachel (Aven and Zach) outside. If a man is offered a rose from the Bachelorette he doesn't want to date, he must reject it, return to the lineup, and wait to see if the other woman will give him a rose. And of course, if neither Bachelorette offers a contestant a rose, he will be sent packing.
Did you follow all that? Man, and I thought the rules to cricket were complicated. Rose ceremony roll call! Tino accepts Rachel's rose; Nate accepts Gabby's rose; Logan accepts Rachel's rose; and Johnny accepts Gabby's rose. But when Rachel offers Termayne a rose, this happens:
ABC Uh-oh
"I am going to have to decline the rose," he says softly. "I feel like I have a deeper connection with Gabby." Everyone stands around all confused until Palmer comes in and informs Termayne that he should step back into the lineup. The host then removes one rose from Rachel's table — in order to keep the groups even, she's not allowed to give it to someone else. Good Lord, rose lovers, my head is starting to hurt. No one told me there would be math tonight!
Back to the roll call: Spencer accepts Gabbby's rose, and… oh come on! Not again!
ABC Uh-oh, part 2
That's Alec (this guy), and he just rejected Rachel's rose, too! "I just don't think I'm the right one for you," he mumbles. Poor Rachel smiles through it, but she is mortified. Oh crap, here comes Palmer to collect another rose from her table.
ABC Put this in the Louvre
Okay, let's try this again. Rose ceremony roll call, continued: Jason accepts Gabby's rose; Tyler accepts Rachel's rose (phew!); Mario accepts Gabby's rose; Ethan accepts Rachel's rose; Kirk accepts Gabby's rose; Jordan accepts Rachel's rose; Quincey accepts Gabby's rose; and…
Oh, for the love of all that's holy! The man who calls himself "Meatball" just rejected Rachel's rose! What in the actual fudge is going on here? Though they each have one rose left to hand out, Gabby and Rachel are fed up and need a break. They leave the room to debrief about this rose ceremony disaster in "private" with producers.
ABC Rachel and Gabby vent to producers
"This was supposed to be us taking the power back," whispers Rachel. "We literally handed it right back to all of them by doing this." Just as Gabby felt humiliated on the group date, now Rachel feels like she and anyone who accepted her rose looks "stupid." After venting for a bit, Gabby and Rachel return to the men and hand out their final boutonnieres: Michael accepts Gabby's rose, and Hayden accepts Rachel's rose. (Thank goodness for that, because our blonde Bachelorette was all set to "go home to Florida" if she was rejected one more time.)
Welp, sorry not sorry, Meatball, Termayne, Alec, and Jacob — but it's time for you to hit the road. To review, our remaining men are…
Team Gabby: Nate, Johnny, Spencer, Jason, Mario, Kirk, Quincey, Michael, Erich
Team Rachel: Tino, Logan, Tyler, Ethan, Jordan, Hayden, Aven, Zach
Hmmm… that's odd. Looks like Gabby has nine men and Rachel only has eight. What's going on here? Well, rose lovers, I'll tell you.
ABC Meatball's Hail Mary
Yep. Meatball didn't leave when Gabby and Rachel showed him the door. The sweaty young man hung around until he had a chance to pull Rachel aside and plead for his Bachelorette life. "We just didn't get that one-on-one time," he says. "I really want to get to know you. I think there are feelings that I have for you… I'd love to just kind of give it another shot."
From the looks of next week's preview, Rachel says yes:
ABC Sigh
Great. Can't wait to watch An American Meatball in Paris. Welp, rose lovers, this was an eventful week, wasn't it? Do you think Gabby and Rachel made the men choose sides too early? Are you annoyed that Rachel gave Hayden a rose after he was so callous with Gabby? And should Grandpa John be the first-ever Senior Bachelor? Post your thoughts below!
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