The Bachelorette recap: Fantasy not so Suite
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Buckle up, rose lovers. This week on The Bachelorette, Logan made moves on both Gabby and Rachel, Meatball poured pasta sauce on his bare chest, and a dude named Chris f---ed around and found out — twice.
Let's recap!
It's the day after the night one, and Casa Bachelor is crowded, y'all. There aren't enough beds, guys are sleeping on outdoor couches, and the kitchen is more packed than a Dave & Busters during March Madness.
ABC Casa Bachelor is packed, y'all.
Making matters worse: It's pouring rain, so everyone is stuck inside. Our Bachelorettes are bummed, too, because they were hoping to have a pool party with the 29 men — half of whom they haven't even talked to — to get to know them and see their "six-pack abs." But don't worry, producers have an idea for a totally normal indoor activity that will allow the men to showcase their personalities as well as their rock-hard physiques.
Yep, it's Man Pageant time! The men have thirty minutes to change into their banana hammocks and prepare a "talent" to perform for Gabby and Rachel. Naturally, many of the guys use this time to do push-ups and pull-ups to maximize their swoleness before showtime. Not this camera angle, please!
ABC Hostile, tbh.
Ryan preps by stuffing a sock in his speedo, while some of the other men use what looks like OLIVE OIL to give their pecs that nice, shiny look. (Doesn't the mansion have a supply of baby oil on hand for just these types of occasions?)
Once they're all suited up, the men gather in the living room, where the Bachelorettes are seated, clipboards in hand, ready to judge them. Jesse Palmer informs the guys that the winner of this Man Pageant will win time with Gabby and Rachel back at the Bachelorette Pad. Let's do this, I guess.
ABC "Dating."
"So many butts," moans Tino. "So many dudes who don't skip leg day." After disrobing, the men field questions from the Bachelorettes ("How would your exes describe you?" "How many serious relationships have you been in?" "Hufflepuff or Gryffindor?" etc.) and then perform their talents. Logan does the worm; Mario and Jason juggle; Aven spins a basketball on his fingers; Ethan performs the whipped cream challenge; Justin shows off his nunchuck skills; Meatball does… this:
ABC Thanks for the nightmare fuel, Meatball.
As you can see from our Bachelorettes' reaction, they do NOT love it. "I'm Italian," says Rachel, "But I don't do canned sauce." Good for you, girl. If you ask me, Jacob has the most impressive talent by far. He sits down and fixes the Bachelorettes with a serious stare: "I'm going to help you guys save $60,000 a year on a 30-year fixed mortgage." Now that is a life skill.
Chris, who you may or may not remember is a "mentality coach," uses a basketball and audience participation to create a beat, and then he serenades the Bachelorettes with an original tune, which he made up on the spot — and it sounds like it. "I gave them a little taste of three things that are important to me," says Chris. "One of those things is sports, one of those things is music, and one of those things is leadership." I dunno, Gabby does not look like she's feeling it.
ABC Gabby has no poker face, and it is glorious.
Chris thinks he's got the private party invite in the bag, but when the date card arrives that night, his name is not on it. Congrats, Aven, Logan, Brandan, Jason, Johnny, and Colin — it's time for dinner with the Bachelorettes. The "mentality coach" hides his disappointment by insulting the men who won: "There are some people, including myself, who they don't need a test with right know, because they already know how they feel. But for those of you who are going, that's awesome for you guys." Uhhh… sure, pal.
Our first group date of the season is an intimate affair.
ABC Gabby and Rachel's first dinner party!
And in keeping with this dual-Bachelorette season so far, it also gets off to a very awkward start. Rachel pulls Jason for a chat, and he comes right out and says those six words no woman wants to hear: Sorry, I like your friend better. Okay, so I'm paraphrasing. Jason does his best to let Rachel down easy: "I feel like I should be up front, to be honest. When I got here, like, I felt, like, a connection to Gabby."
Rachel, bless her, takes it like a champ.
ABC Poor thing.
"Of course, it's disappointing," says Rachel. "But I know there are going to be men where I have amazing connections. So I really hope it starts to turn around tonight."
Dang it, Rachel. When you say things like that, you're practically guaranteeing that things are going to get worse. Look, now she's about to walk in on Gabby and Johnny making out!
ABC Pssst, Gabby! You're being watched!
"I'm a little unsure about where I stand tonight," sighs Rachel, as we watch a montage of her having painful, chemistry-free chats with Brandan and Colin. "It really feels like these guys are having friendly, small-talk conversation [with me] that you could have with your cousin… Someone's going to have to step up their game!" Logan, you up for the challenge?
ABC Logan and Rachel
Yep. Logan is a smooth talker, rose lovers. "One thing I've noticed about you… You're very brave," he purrs. "For you to, like, jump back into this process — that's like incredibly brave… I think we have a nice connection as well." Don't forget: Logan is the guy who had flirty chats with both Gabby and Rachel on night one, and he said he was still deciding who he liked better. Here's hoping Rachel won't be disappointed again.
Aaand I spoke too soon.
ABC Gabby and Logan
Look, any of the men are allowed to "explore" their "connections" with both women if they truly like them both, but Logan is giving me serious "I'm just telling these chicks what they want to hear so I can stay on TV" vibes. Before smooching Gabby, he buttered her up with the same type of "I'm hyper-focused on you" flattery he used on Rachel: "That's one thing I really was drawn to you about you. You're someone who makes people smile and laugh," he gushes. "But there's like a whole ocean under that."
Does this dude not realize that Gabby and Rachel talk to each other? Like, all the time?
ABC The not-so-secret secret is out.
"You know, my heart kind of dropped a little bit," says Gabby. "I already felt like I had a really strong connection with [Logan], and I was excited to see where things go. So, it feels weird." That's because it is weird! This whole "process" is weird!
Rachel offers to back off from Logan if Gabby is super into him, but Gabby isn't about to do that to her BFF. "It's truly not worth stepping on Rachel's toes in this scenario," she explains. So, Rachel's date rose goes to…
ABC Logan gets the rose
Don't feel bad for Gabby, though — she gets to give her date rose to Johnny, a guy who looks almost exactly like Logan.
ABC Basically the same person, right?
Six of one, half-dozen of the other — am I right, rose lovers?
Anyhow, on to the week's one-on-one dates. Rachel's up first, and her man of choice is… Jordan V.! The drag racer! I will have to keep looking the men up here for the first few weeks! (Call it Bachelor-induced prosopagnosia.)
Jordan and Rachel climb into a classic, sky-blue Impala and hit the road.
ABC Jordan V. and Rachel
Producers clearly did not think the convertible thing through. At least give poor Rachel a scrunchie so she can see the road. Honestly, she may need the hair tie on her date, too, because she and Jordan are taking a ride on the vomit comet! Nick did this with Vanessa during his season of The Bachelor. If you recall, she puked, and later they got engaged! (Temporarily.) Will things go as well for Jordan V.?
Though the drag racer claims to be afraid of heights, he says having the blonde Bachelorette by his side helps calm his nerves. Jordan and Rachel float around for a bit, giggling and yelping, before finally giving producers the zero-gravity kiss they've no doubt been demanding.
ABC Love means never having to deal with gravity.
Back at Casa Bachelor, a bunch of dudes are sitting around outside talking about — what else? — Gabby and Rachel. "I'm honestly open to both of them," says Chris. "I'm planning to be here all the way." Oh, really? The "mentality coach" (sorry, that is not a real job, I will never stop putting it in quotes) goes on to say that he does have a dealbreaker. And here it is, verbatim: "If we got down to the final four, which I plan to be in, and if we got into Fantasy Suite and we have this sexual experience, and then the person who I'm most interested in decides that she's going to have sex with multiple people… that would be the situation where I'd go, 'Okay, I'm out.'"
Oh boy, I cannot wait until Chris goes on Instagram live to complain that his words were "taken out of context" that producers gave him the "villain edit." Also, he said this in front of multiple witnesses, all of whom look pretty grossed out. "I really don't think that we should be talking about Fantasy Suites at all at this point," says Spencer. "I think it's a little presumptuous and disrespectful to Gabby and Rachel." Zach calls it a "jerky move," and Aven tells Chris to focus on the present, not the Fantasy Suite future.
Chris makes things even worse later that night, when Quincey calls him out in front of another group of guys for his Fantasy Suite comment. And Chris is all, Hell yeah, I said it! And I'll say it again! (I'm paraphrasing.) The "mentality coach" repeats that if he's in the final four and "the female in the situation has sex with someone else, I wouldn't be interested in that person being the person I'm with." Hayden can NOT believe what he's hearing.
ABC His poker face is almost as bad as Gabby's, and I love it.
Other Jordan, meanwhile, wants to know if Chris will inform Gabby and/or Rachel of this dealbreaker prior to the Fantasy Suites — on the extremely slim chance he makes it there. Chris does not offer a straight answer, and the guys rail on him for it. "Any time you have a premeditated thought of you won't do this unless that — that is a form of control, and that is manipulative," Nate informs him. "This could be our queen. This could be the mother of our children… You cannot have preconditions to love. It's just a form of control that a lot of men don't realize that they do that damages good women."
EFF YEAH NATE, THE 33-YEAR-OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEER FROM CHICAGO! Is it too early to start a "Nate for Bachelor" campaign? (Don't answer that.)
Hmmm… I wonder how the dinner portion of Rachel's date with Jordan V. is going?
ABC Whaaaaa?
HOLD UP — what the hell just happened??? I thought Jordan V. was a final four contender for sure!!! Let's break this down, rose lovers.
Dinner seemed to be going great. Rachel asked Jordan about his childhood; he told her that his parents divorced when he was 13, and as a result he had to take care of his younger siblings and grow up faster than expected. Rachel leaned forward, listening intently.
ABC Rachel tries to feel the spark with Jordan.
But… our Bachelorette just isn't feeling it. "Jordan, he is so perfect. He's exactly what I've asked for, and he's here for me," she says. "But the more the day is progressing, the more I just know there is something missing."
Hmmm… I wonder if the "he's here for me" part is the problem. Rachel strikes me as someone who might gravitate toward unavailable men, because deep down she — like so many of us — fears she does not deserve love. (She even says later that she doesn't feel like she deserves to be the Bachelorette.) She excuses herself to go consult with a producer. "I… want to like him a lot," she whispers, choking up. "But I know it's not him." Finally, Rachel steels herself and heads back to the table to deliver the bad news.
ABC Rachel lets Jordan down gently
"There is just something that is missing for me tonight," she says gently. "I just really want to be honest… And for that reason, I can't give you this rose, and I do truly apologize." Also owed an apology: Ashley Cooke and Brett Young, who were supposed to play a private concert for Jordan and Rachel, but "it just wasn't meant to be." (Producers have an obligation to fulfill, though, so they intercut a bit of the country singers' performance over footage of Jordan's goodbye.)
Awww man, I liked Jordan V. Sure, he's a little vanilla, but he's polite, cute, respectful, and gainfully employed. On this show, that's usually way more than you can ask for. Back at Casa Bachelor, the guys are truly shocked to see the Suitcase Ninja come for Jordan's ginormous bag.
ABC Jacob can NOT believe it.
You and me both, buddy. Side note: I must assume that Rachel talked to Gabby prior to her date and confirmed that Gabby has no interest in dating Jordan — and therefore got the all-clear to send him home if that's the way the wind blew.
On to happier news: Our second one-on-one date of the week goes to… Nate! Gabby just invited him over for a swim. Yessssss, king! But a word of advice, sir: Next time, go easier on the cologne, ok?
ABC One spritz is enough!
My eyes are watering just watching that spritz-a-thon. Nate's feeling a little pressure as he heads into his date, but he knows all he can do is be his authentic self. He's a single dad, and he plans to share that with Gabby, since his "amazing baby girl" is the center of who he is as a man. Oh, my goodness, now he's crying! "I miss her a lot," he says, breaking down and wiping away tears. "I love that girl so much!"
Protect this man at all costs! Fingers crossed that he and Gabby are a match.
He arrives at the Bachelorette Pad, where Gabby (and Rachel) greet him warmly. (Love that Rachel was just sitting in the kitchen drinking her coffee when Nate arrived — very "mom's here to size up the new boyfriend" vibes.) Rachel can see the "spark" between Gabby and Nate… and indeed, he's barely there for five minutes before this happens:
ABC Nate and Gabby
I… I love them?
From there, Gabby and Nate climb into a helicopter and enjoy a scenic tour of the coastline. There's the Santa Monica Pier! Hey, it's the Hollywood sign! Guys, stop kissing — you're missing the view!
Part two of the date takes place in (where else?) a hot tub. Gabby and Nate have a giggly, sweet vibe, and our Bachelorette seems very, very happy. But things are about to get serious at dinner. Take it away, Nate!
ABC Nate shares his news
"Like, a pocket of my heart just burst open the first time she said, 'Dad,'" says Nate. "I'm a girl dad 1,000 percent." Gabby is moved to tears by Nate's effusive praise of his little girl — especially since she is very much a daddy's girl. But she knows that getting serious with a single father puts some significant responsibility on her, too. "When Nate told me that he was a father, I started to think, 'Am I there yet? Can I be a mother? Is this a life I want?'" she says. "But I don't have to make that decision right now." Correct. So, give Nate that date rose, woman! "He really is, like, a true, true man," says Gabby. Amen!
The next night, the men gather for the cocktail party, and everyone's confused as to how the rose ceremony will work. Never mind that, dudes — what you should be focused on is bolstering Rachel's confidence. Poor woman is spiraling!
ABC Don't be silly, Rachel
Nonsense, woman. Never forget the wise words of Mama Ru: "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" Now get in there and find your soulmate. And hey… maybe it's Mario! "I definitely was interested in Mario night one, but I am thinking about Gabby," notes Rachel. "Because he's her First Impression Rose. It's a big deal."
But we're only a few days in, and so everything and everyone is fair game. For his one-on-one time, Mario, who's a personal trainer, says he's going to walk Rachel through a mini workout. But this is just all a cute ruse — instead, he scoops Rachel up in his arms and does a few squats as she squeals and giggles with delight. "I do think that I could feel something for Mario," says Rachel. Meanwhile, Gabby is 50 feet away talking to Alec, and producers make sure to get a close-up shot when she clocks what's going on with Rachel and Mario on the driveway.
ABC Gabby tries to give Alec her full attention.
Okay, Team Bachelorette, knock it off. Stop leaning so hard into the "are they gonna fight over a man?" angle. It's annoying and condescending. Gabby and Rachel are grown women and actual friends. If they have an issue, they'll work it out. Also, they're very different — the odds of these two wanting to marry the same man are slim.
Moving on. Tyler, who owns "a seasonal business" leasing out basketball arcade games in New Jersey, challenges Rachel to a match. It's a complete blowout — Tyler crushes her something like 12-2 — and for his prize he gets a kiss. And she LOVES it.
ABC Tyler and Rachel share a moment
"I hope Gabby's having as much fun as I'm having," gushes Rachel. She is currently making out with Erich, so yes… but Quincey is about to put a big damper on the night for both Bachelorettes. He's still troubled by Chris' comments earlier in the day and believes it's his duty to share what happened with Gabby and Rachel. "I think whoever overheard the conversation and doesn't bring it to their attention is basically keeping secrets from their wife," he explains. Ummm… not sure I'd go that far, but I agree with Quincey that the Bachelorettes need to know.
Quincey brings Rachel over to sit with down with him, Henley, and Jordan H. They fill her in on Chris' weird Fantasy Suites declaration, and she is NOT please. "I don't even know why sex is being brought up," she fumes. "The fact that Chris is already discussing ultimatums… it's just extremely upsetting." Damn right. Girl, this situation needs to be handled.
Rachel heads straight to Gabby and reports the intel. "Ewwww-uh!" says Gabby, which is the only proper response to this information. She calls Chris' attitude "controlling" and "disrespectful," and she is not going to let it stand. She and Rachel find Chris and bring him outside, and Gabby goes in hard.
ABC Gabby comes at Chris hard.
Yes, Gabby! Read him for filth. Chris says he's just a guy who likes to think things through to the end, and that he wasn't trying to take anything away from anyone else's "journey" when he told the guys about his dealbreaker. [Loud buzzer sound] Oh, nice try, Chris! But that is, as Gabby would say, the wrong f---ing answer. "We're four days in, and your very calculated thoughts about Fantasy Suites at this time," she tells him, scolding him for not respecting their right to make their own decisions.
Chris stays true to character, pushing back on the women and accusing them of not wanting to get to know him. Rachel, who's been quiet up until this point, cuts him off. "Right now, you could take the opportunity to maybe apologize and own up to what happened, but instead I feel as if you're being condescending toward us," she says. With that, Gabby lets Chris know that it's time for him to go. And she's not taking any chances.
ABC Don't even try it with Gabby, sir.
God, I love her.
"How does this work?" Chris asks, once they get outside. "I literally just walk on this direction?" Yep. Well, correction: That's how it should work — but Chris decides to take a U-turn and stroll right back into the mansion. He wants to have a word with Quincey, Nate, Hayden, Tyler, and Jordan. Just as Chris starts grilling the guys about who ratted him out, Gabby and Rachel storm in — with a crowd of suitors behind them — and politely inquire what the actual f--- Chris thinks he's doing.
ABC Don't make them say it again, buddy.
Hearing this, Nate stands up. "All right, then that's all that needs to be said," he announces, moving toward Chris. "If they asked you to leave, just be a gentleman and go." Guys, how is it possible that I love Nate so much after only two episodes? Am I suddenly a contestant on this show? I might need an intervention.
Tink tink tink! Now that Chris has been summarily rejected, Palmer is here with his Butter Knife of Bad News to announce the rose ceremony. Oh my god — how is it going to work? HOW IS IT GOING TO WORK?
Oh… they just take turns. Okay, that was simple. And as Palmer explains before the ceremony begins, each rose "is coming from both women."
Rose ceremony roll call: Jason, Aven, Erich, Zach, Jordan, Quincey, Michael, Tino, Jacob, Tyler, Termayne, Hayden, Meatball, Kirk, Spencer, Alec, Ethan, and Mario join Logan, Nate, and Johnny in the Circle of Safety™. Alas, that means we must say goodbye to Brandan, Colin, Ryan, Matt, Justin, and John. Godspeed, gentlemen — we barely knew ye.
Welp, rose lovers, Gabby and Rachel have narrowed their husband harem down to 21 men. Who are you liking? Am I the only one who thinks Logan is a little sus? And why the hell is "Meatball" still there? Post your thoughts below!
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