The Bachelor: The Women Tell All recap: Bickering, bloopers, and a new Bachelorette
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I know it's only Tuesday, rose lovers, but it's already been a long week. I've had some family stuff going on, and my brain is pretty fried, so I hope you'll forgive me if this Bachelor recap reads like some a stream-of-consciousness fever dream.
Let's do this!
Host Jesse Palmer greets us from the Tealight Candle Thunderdome with the two words he probably never thought he'd say on national television.
ABC Evergreen GIF
Of course, he's referring to what Zach said about the Fantasy Suite episodes ("This week is viewed as sex week"), but I just had to turn it into a GIF anyway. Palmer does some table setting — teasing the "shocking," "explosive," and "emotional" overnight dates, and promising that "someone's life will change FOREVER" later on the WTA — before launching into the obligatory "let's crash some Bachelor viewing parties" segment.
ABC Zach gets tackled
Yeah, not gonna recap this filler. (That said, I did like the moment that Zach fed Palmer a chocolate-covered strawberry. Normalize men eating sweets together on television!)
Time to welcome the women to the stage. Everyone looks great, though I absolutely did not recognize Victoria J. at all. She looks like a totally different person.
ABC Victoria J. and... Victoria J.?
What a difference a dye job makes.
The Drama Rehash™ begins with the only woman here who is allowed to have two names: Christina Mandrell! Brooklyn jumps in first, saying that Christina's actions were "manipulative" and "calculated." Olivia L., who was booted on night one, jumps in to defend Christina for being "bold" and saying what everyone else was thinking, but she's soon shouted down by the other women. ("You weren't there!") Kat accuses Christina of sucking the energy out of every room, and Genevie points out that there's nothing wrong with being "bold," provided your boldness doesn't come at anyone else's expense.
What's Christina Mandrell doing during all this crosstalk about her, you ask? Keeping her mouth shut. (The woman clearly learns from her mistakes.) Eventually, Palmer asks her to comment on the whole situation. "I probably could have shut the f--- up a little bit more," she admits. "Thank you guys for letting me know, because I can take all of that and be better, hopefully, in the future." Well said, ma'am!
Anastasia is equally impassive when the discussion turns to her dramatic departure due to the whole Right Reasons™/Instagram followers situation. "I was told that you explicitly said that you were only going on this show as a business opportunity," says Victoria J., who claims that she and Anastasia have mutual friends. Then Cat jumps in with this (alleged) bombshell:
ABC Them's fightin' words!
Even Palmer is shocked: "What?" Anastasia calmly tries to deny it ("I haven't had a boyfriend…") but she, too, is shouted down. The cacophonous yelling gets louder and louder until the host cuts in and says it's time for a commercial break. It's the only way the man can gain control of these harpies, I guess. Finally, Anastasia gets a chance to defend herself. "I didn't have a boyfriend, to clear that up," she says. "I don't appreciate being lied about." (Anastasia also insists that it was her mom, not this mystery boyfriend as Cat claims, who was watching her dog while she was on the show.)
Secret boyfriend or no secret boyfriend, Kylie still has a bone to pick with Anastasia over their "Can I steal you?" drama in the Bahamas. "If you want to call me aggressive, fine. Call me aggressive for love," she says. "Unlike you, I was there for the right reasons."
Props to Genevie for spelling out why Anastasia's statements implying that Kylie wanted to "fight" her were so harmful. "Black women in general, every day, we deal with the stereotype of being aggressive people," she says, explaining the concept of microaggressions before turning to address Anastasia directly. "You could have let that go, but instead you went around to the whole group date and made it a thing that it wasn't."
Anastasia raises her hand to speak. She apologizes to Kylie for making her feel uncomfortable, adding, "I'm always learning." Kylie is less than convinced, noting that up until this moment she had not received a real apology. "It was more so, 'Oh God, people are going to think these things of me. What's it going to do for my life? What's it going to do for my career?' It was still Stas playing the victim," she says. "I hope you are educated on this situation… and you become a better human because of it. But now, I accept your apology."
Aaaand scene!
Let's rehash the Estonia drama, shall we? Palmer asks Kat to explain why she stole Zach before Zach's one-on-one date with Charity. "I really never thought that it was going to cause any, like, feelings to be hurt," she says. "But obviously it did, and I apologized immediately, and I felt really bad."
"Not immediately," says Charity, jumping in with the fact check. "Kat did apologize later on, and we're good." The air is not cleared between Kat and Brooklyn, however. "I think what was not mature and what was not handled appropriately was just how you spoke to me and how you spoke about my character," says Kat.
Brooklyn is unfazed. "And I'd say it again!" she announces. "If me calling someone's actions 'classless' fit the narrative, I mean, there it is." (You can watch a clip of the feisty exchange at the top of this post.) They snipe back and forth at each other for a while — Kat says she didn't deserve to have her "character" attacked; Brooklyn says, "if the shoe fits, lace that bitch up," etc. — but get nowhere. Meanwhile, Christina Mandrell pulls a Chris Pine at the Don't Worry Darling press conference and just fully dissociates.
ABC Christina Mandrell (right) goes to her happy place
Oh, no. Did Palmer just imply that producers are sending both Kat and Brooklyn to Paradise next season so they can continue their beef? Jesus, take the wheel.
Moving on. The first woman to take her place in the Hot Seat is… Jess? Wait, seriously? I'm not sure why producers thought fans would be clamoring for more from her, but okay. "It hurts to see myself," says Jess, after watching her abrupt departure from the show. "But I've never seen myself be so strong when it comes to, like, a breakup before… I was proud of myself." Atta girl. Palmer praises Jess for learning to love herself and knowing what she's worth — and for standing proud in her love of body glitter.
Okay, Greer — you're up! Remember that time you got the First Impression Rose, and then a few weeks later you got COVID and had to quarantine for six days? And then Zach dumped you anyway? Yeah, that was awkward. Oh, and remember how you deleted a bunch of old tweets — including ones where you defended a classmate for wearing blackface — but the internet found them anyway? Yeah, that was really awkward.
"The truth is, as a franchise we've done a very poor job in the past in addressing serious topics head on," notes Palmer, in what may be the understatement of the decade. "We're not going to miss that opportunity here tonight." To that end, he offers Greer a chance to apologize again for her statements.
"What I failed to mention in my apology was, uh, that what happened was racist. It's not about the intent, it's about the impact. This acquaintance of mine that I knew performing blackface was racist. Me defending it was racist. My ignorance was racist," Greer says. "And I'm just so ashamed. I'm just deeply sorry that I hurt the Black community."
As part of her efforts to "try to do better," Greer met with Dr. Kira Banks, the co-founder of the Institute for Healing, Justice and Equity at St. Louis University, who's sitting in the audience.
ABC Welcome, Dr. Kira
Greer also did some research into the history of blackface to learn more about why it is so wrong. "I just realized it was a symbolism for dehumanizing the Black community," says Greer. "Defending that girl was racist."
Look, it's obviously good that producers are taking the time to discuss this whole thing at length, because as Palmer rightfully pointed out, the Bachelor franchise has a long way to go when it comes to addressing their own DEI issues. But honestly, their double standard here is appalling. Just last year, The Bachelorette "winner" Erich Schwer was busted for ACTUALLY DOING BLACKFACE in high school, and yet he didn't have to answer any questions about it during After the Final Rose. (Palmer grilled him about some sketchy text messages instead.) Ugh.
Let's close this segment with some wise words from Dr. Kira. "We can't nice our way out of racism," she says. "It's really important not to just be performative, but to educate ourselves, to be willing to understand the history behind actions, and be willing to do something different." Let's hope the producers take her advice.
Somehow, we're still only halfway through this episode. Who's ready to watch Kat cry some more about her "journey"?
ABC Kat is crying (AGAIN)
"Him giving up right before hometowns kind of made me feel like I was not good enough again," she says. "Even now, watching it, I don't understand." Though she's still heartbroken about getting sent home, Kat says that being on the show did have a positive impact on one aspect of her life: "I have a relationship, like a mother-daughter relationship, with my mom now because of it. My whole family just came together through this." Wow, that is happy news. TV boyfriends come and go, but family is forever.
Time for a quick poll. "How many of you thought that Zach was going to end up with Charity?" asks Palmer. A bunch of audience members raise their hands, as do several women on the stage.
ABC Raise your hand if you're sure
Nobody asked you, Victoria J.! Once on the Hot Seat, Charity tears up watching her post-hometowns breakup with Zach. "I'm in a white dress, I can't do this," she says with a sad giggle. Charity says it was hard to come back home to her family and admit she was heartbroken, but it sounds like they gave her plenty of support. "They know that I'm a person who can take lessons from things and apply them to my future," she says. Now, Charity adds, she's "even more eager and ready to truly find my person." Cool. Hold that thought, ma'am — we'll circle back to it later.
What's that, Jesse? We're mixing up the bloopers with some deleted scenes? Sounds good. Roll the tape!
ABC She likes to twerk it, twerk it
Work it, Mercedes! As for Aly asking the producer for advice about whether or not to use tongue when kissing Zach ("Do our tongues touch?"), I just have one word for that: Bless. She is simply too pure for this franchise.
The next deleted scene features something called the "tortilla slap" game, which is just what it sounds like.
ABC Tortilla, wouldn't wanna be ya
See how much fun we could be having if we just put down our phones, America? As for the poop talk, well… everyone has their own opinion about relationship/bathroom etiquette. Personally, I will do everything possible to keep my husband from seeing me on the toilet, but to each his/her/their own.
From bowel movements to the Bachelor — what a perfect segue. Please welcome Zach Shallcross, everybody!
ABC Palmer and Zach
Kat wants to know if Zach can pinpoint a "tangible moment or time" when he sensed a "shift" in their relationship. No. No, he cannot. The Bachelor says he simply had to cut someone before hometowns, and her time was up. (I'm paraphrasing.) Charity has a similar query, and Zach gives a similar answer. "It was hard, and I didn't feel good that day," he says. "I just want you to know I do think the world of you."
Jess asks the Bachelor to explain why he didn't get emotional until after she was driving away, and he admits that he "couldn't properly convey" all the emotion he was feeling in the moment. "It hit me like a truck," he says.
And the final fun fact from this segment: Zach, too, is appalled at how much he says "like" and "hello, hello." Live and learn, sir.
The bloopers are decent — Boom mics falling over! Mercedes doing a farmer's blow! An actual tarantula invading Kaity's confessional! — but the best moment by far is the look of absolute and complete confusion on Zach's face when a producer explains to him that it's called mulled wine, not "mold wine."
ABC Dude, come ON.
As Bugs Bunny would say, what a maroon.
Here's what we can glean from the preview from "sex week": Zach vows not to sleep with any of the women during overnight dates, and he fails to live up to that vow. "I feel like I let myself down and I feel like I let the women down by saying one thing and doing another," a tearful Zach says in the preview. It's certainly edited to make it look like he slept with just one of the women, possibly Ariel, but we won't know for sure until next week.
Welp, that's a wrap, rose lovers. I'll see you again next… Sorry, I spoke too soon. I forgot that Palmer promised to deliver "something that's never, ever happened in the history of the show." No, they're not going to do a live reading of the show's hilarious "eligibility requirements" — instead, Palmer is going to head backstage to surprise one unsuspecting woman with the news that she's the next Bachelorette. And the "winner" is…
ABC Congrats, Charity!
Yep, Charity Lawson is our new Bachelorette! (And the way Palmer broke the news was truly sneaky.) Sorry not sorry Kat and the two women from Zach's final three that he didn't pick — if you ask me, Bachelorette was always Charity's gig to lose.
Okay, now we're really done for the night. I hope you stayed hydrated through this two-episode week, rose lovers. Are you pleased with ABC's Bachelorette pick? Which of these women do you think we'll see in Paradise? And would you rather be in the same room with a free-range tarantula or drink a cup of "mold wine"? Post your thoughts below!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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