The Bachelor recap: Foolish Hart

With night one out of the way, let’s be real: Week two is where our journey really begins. People start showing their true colors, and for Ben, that includes bright blue (very tight) boxer briefs. THIS is what life is all about, people.

While Ben gets dressed, the ladies can’t stop talking about how he “checks off every single list” — close enough — and is just generally perfection. So which ladies will get to join this perfect specimen on the first group date of the season? Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace, who’s ready to redeem herself and show Ben the real her.

RELATED: Ranking Every Season of The Bachelor

Fun fact: The “real” Lace has terrible hearing. The date card said “Let’s learn HOW TO love,” not “Let’s learn ABOUT love.” Also, she’s already mentioned making out with him, and I’m starting to feel like night one Lace WAS the real Lace. Regardless, she’d like you to know that she’s not crazy. She simply wants a rose and the promise of forever from a guy she just met. So she’s obviously not crazy. Lace has been misrepresented, guys. It’s really not fair.

The first date takes the ladies back to high school because, apparently, Ben is one of those weird people who enjoyed high school. Inside, Professor Harrison — he doesn’t even get to be principal? Ouch — puts on his best sweater vest to tell the ladies all about their date: In teams of two, they’ll be attending four classes. At the end of each class, one team will be eliminated. In the end, one lucky lady will become Ben’s Homecoming Queen.

Quickly pairing off, there’s one team with an obvious disadvantage: Lace and Jubilee. Yes, Jubilee is ex-military and physically capable. But Lace is the brains of their operation. I repeat: Lace is the brains of their operation.

First, the ladies attend science class, where they try to find the four necessary ingredients to make Ben’s volcano explode. I would make a joke here, but it doesn’t even feel necessary. The ingredients: love, trust, friendship, and communication. (I’m going to go ahead and say you need none of those to make his volcano explode, but what do I know?)

Not surprisingly, Jubilee and Lace are the first two eliminated. More importantly, Jubilee calls Lace “Lacy,” which I’m pretending is because she just refuses to call her by her real name (which says a lot coming from Jubilee).

Next up is lunch class, to which I’d like to say: I seriously hope no high school in America has a “lunch class” because if they do, society is worse off than I imagined.

There, the ladies have to bob for a red apple in a tank of water and then pass the apple to their partner using only their mouths. As Ben puts it, “One of the most attractive things about this date today is I’m seeing these women really put themselves out there.” Yeah, it’s not them essentially making out. It’s definitely not that.

I’m just going to leave this quote from Becca right here: “I’m thinking Jackie’s wishing she had a bigger mouth at this point.”

And this one from Lauren H.: “Jackie is not great with her mouth, unfortunately.”

You’re welcome. (P.S. Jackie’s tiny mouth lost that one for her team.)

The third class is geography, an educational staple, and something I can say absolutely nothing about, because I’m horrible at it. The ladies are tasked with placing Indiana correctly on a map of the U.S. The losers? Becca and JoJo, who put Indiana sideways on the map. Again, I can’t make fun of them, but if you’re good at geography, have at it! I support you.

Finally, we head to gym class, where Amber and Mandi come out victorious after making a few free throws. But of course, Ben can only have one Homecoming Queen, which means Amber and Mandi, former teammates, now have to go head-to-head in a race. But it’s not just any race — it’s hurdles because this show just cannot help itself. I hope the person behind the slow-motion gets a raise (and then takes a hard look in the mirror).

Fun fact: The dentist is weird, but she’s also quick…or at least quicker than Amber.

Just like that, Mandi puts on her “first tiara” — no way I believe that from Ms. Rose Head over here — Ben’s letterman jacket and takes a ride with him on the back of a car, leaving Jennifer incredibly jealous of Mandi’s “super romantic” time with Ben. Is it super romantic? Because I’m pretty sure they’re on the back of a car with a stranger in the front seat, and they’re also right next to the rest of you. Clearly, Jennifer’s idea of “romance” is, well, a little sad.

NEXT: The first kiss of the season goes to…

That night, Becca is the first to pull Ben away to play a little basketball — you can see him falling in love with her with every shot she makes — and speaking for the rest of Bachelor nation, she tells Ben that if he needs to take off his shirt to play, “I’m not gonna complain.” (I take back every bad thing I’ve ever said about Becca.)

She then tells Ben that this time around, she’s not going to be scared to open up. And yet it’s Jennifer who opens up to Ben and gets the first kiss of the season (not counting that time Lace assaulted Ben). Personally, whenever someone describes a kiss as “sweet,” all I hear is, “not good enough.” But at least she got her “super romantic” moment.

Of course, Jennifer then returns to the group and lasts about three seconds before telling everyone about the kiss. Lace’s reaction: “Is she going to mount him?” So it’s safe to say that “real” Lace is subtle.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the girls are still figuring out what a date card is. Spoiler: It’s the thing that makes Olivia feel a million terrifying feelings. (Needless to say, she’d have been great at bobbing for apples.)

Olivia, literally on the edge of her seat, thinks she’s a shoe-in to get the first one-on-one date, which means she’s never watched the show before, but it’s fine. She’s been busy.

Instead, the first one-on-one goes to Caila. Her reaction: “I don’t even know how to say it, but I got a date card.” Well, I’d say you just did. Congrats.

Back on the date, Lace is on a mission to tell Ben that he met a different Lace on night one. She didn’t mean to come off as whatever she came off as. The best part? Lace’s “crazy, right? I’m a lot.” So at least she recognizes it? But fun fact: The “real” Lace is big on interrupting people. Also, she has a super tight grip. Is Ben’s hand turning blue?

Thankfully, Jubilee enters and interrupts all the “eye f—ing” that definitely was not happening.

So while blood flow returns to Ben’s hand, Jubilee tells him about how she was born in Haiti and adopted at the age of 6. It’s an “incredible” story that Ben finds “incredible,” so he gives her the second kiss of the night because she’s so “incredible.”

WANT MORE? Keep up with all the latest from last night’s television by subscribing to our newsletter. Head here for more details.

By the time Jubilee returns to the group, Lace asks if she sucked Ben’s face, but thankfully, Jubilee doesn’t kiss and tell. Lace, though, can’t get over how little time she’s had with Ben, so she goes off and gets some more, all the while reinforcing that she’s NOT crazy.

So what pressing conversation did Lace need to have with Ben? Obviously, she needed to tell him how amazing Denver — the place he currently resides — is. It was a really insightful thought that Ben clearly appreciated. I mean, if Lace is half as amazing as Denver is, she’s getting that rose tonight. That’s all I know.

From Lace to JoJo, Ben gives away the third kiss of the season, and this one’s on a roof! As JoJo put it, “I’ve never been this high in my entire life,” which is an important thing we just learned about her. And after getting what’s arguably the best kiss of the night, JoJo realizes she’s “never felt this happy before.” Welcome to being high, JoJo.

After JoJo gets the date rose, Lace’s head “is going all over the place.” IT WASN’T BEFORE?

NEXT: Kevin Hart and Ice Cube walk into the Bachelor mansion…

The next day is all about Caila and Ben… Just kidding! It’s really about the star power of The Bachelor, which means today is about Ride Along 2 stars Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, who are planning the date.

As Ice Cube says when they pull up to the mansion, “Damn, this should be called Bachelor Pad. Pimpin’.” EVEN ICE CUBE WANTS BACHELOR PAD BACK. Also, he’s the only person in the history of this show who could and should say “pimpin’.”

As Harrison tells the ladies, he called a “couple of friends” — spoiler: they’re not friends — to help plan today’s date. And that means Ben and Caila are going on a ride along… Get it? (But this date really is about Caila and Ben, so stop worrying.)

My favorite part so far is the four of them pulling off in the car and Kevin calling the women out for applauding Ben simply for starting the car.

Heading off for an inexpensive date, Ben pulls over to get Caila a bouquet of flowers — paid for by Ice Cube — before they hit up their next romantic locale: A liquor store, where Ice Cube buys Ben some Hennessy and condoms. #theessentials

Brief pause for this interaction:

Bachelor producer: What’s the most romantic thing you guys have ever done for a woman?

Ice Cube: Uh, I married one. That’s pretty romantic, huh?

Kevin Hart: I cooked some fried chicken one time in a Crock-Pot. Yeah, that was cool.

Yep, I’d watch this all day long.

Ending the date at a hot tub store literally called Spas, Kevin proves he’s the Jimmy Kimmel of this season by joining Ben and Caila in the hot tub. But leave it up to Kevin to one up Jimmy and strip down.

More importantly, can we talk about how they’re half naked in the middle of a sketchy store? Is this the worst date ever? Because I’m pretty sure Ben and Caila both just contracted something.

With Kevin and Ice Cube heading out, we’ll never know if Kevin returned to the side of the road and got his discount bouquet. As for Caila and Ben, though, their night is slightly more romantic, with the couple getting to know each other over dinner. Caila explains how she wants someone who complements her before asking Ben if he still feels unlovable.

Hey guys, remember when Ben said he felt unlovable? Good times.

Long story short, Ben’s still waiting on someone to love him back. But for now, he wants to know more about Caila, who explains that she met her last boyfriend on a plane and the two “almost got engaged.” How you “almost” get engaged, I have no idea. Maybe he got down on one knee but didn’t have a ring and just got back up? Of course, Caila leaves the part out where she ended her last relationship after seeing Ben on TV, but no big deal.

All Ben knows is that Caila has depth, which earns her a rose. It also earns her a private concert from Amos Lee, Ben’s favorite artist. Proof? He spends more time looking at Amos than he does looking at his date.

At this point, I’d like to apologize to Amos for having to be the horribly awkward third wheel on this date while he watches Ben and Caila make out.

NEXT: Meet Dr. Love

Back at the house, the next date card comes for Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda. Together, the ladies head to the Love Lab, which is not just a fancy name for Ben’s hotel room. Instead, it’s a place where “scientists” are going to determine just how compatible all these women are with Ben.

And you know this place is legit because the lead doctor’s name is literally Dr. Love. (I hear Dr. Lust was taken.)

As Dr. Love explains, they’re hoping that science can help Ben find love…because feelings and emotion are so 2015. After performing a series of experiments, the “scientists” will score the ladies from 1 to 10.

The first test studies the visual cortex of the brain as the ladies are shown two images. The test identifies what the women look at first. For example, one of the photos is a split of Sean Lowe and Ben. (To be fair, they put Sean on the left, and the natural instinct is left to right, so take that, scientists.)

The second test forces the women to run on a treadmill, after which Ben smells them, focusing on the neck and the love handles (a.k.a. the smelling glands located near the reproductive organs). P.S. I believe none of this. Also, Shushanna speaks English!

The way you know this is fake? Ben thinks most the women smell “flowery” or “beachy,” which means he’s just smelling perfume because NO ONE emits those odors naturally. Then there’s our dear Sam who probably should’ve spritzed a bit more of something that morning because Ben says she smells “sour.” (Damn, who knew your reproductive organs could ever smack you in the face like that?)

Bless Dr. Love for this attempt at a save: “Sweet and sour, but that’s great in Chinese food.” Yes, because all women want to smell like Chinese food.

Finally, the women participate in a test that measures if their body is creating chemicals that will tell you if you’re a long-term match for Ben. Basically, it’s the show’s way of getting these people to strip down even further.

While the other women watch, Ben puts his body as close as humanly possible to other people’s bodies…but he doesn’t kiss them (even though Olivia begs for it).

Now, the results are in! To sum things up: Sam is not a match for Ben, and Olivia is. (As far as I’m concerned, Emily won this date solely for admitting “I’m not very smart.”)

Heading back to the place Ben calls home — the Four Seasons Hotel — he quickly steals Olivia away and takes her to his room. (I guess that answers my question about whether producers thinks Ben deserves better than a hotel room. They don’t!)

Ben — super casual in jeans and a sweatshirt on this date — tells Olivia he wasn’t surprised that they were a match. And now he’s ready to give her that kiss.

NEXT: Which lady leaves voluntarily?

Returning to the women, Olivia says nothing of her one-on-one time with Ben while Ben apologizes to Sam for calling her “sour.” Shushanna then tells him that she came to the U.S. with $400 in her pocket and two bottles of vodka, so the woman has priorities.

But it’s Amanda who steals the show by finally telling Ben about her daughters, describing them as “little cuter, cooler versions of myself,” which I love. That earns Amanda a kiss…but not a rose. Nope, that goes to Olivia, who boasts, “I don’t know what rose ceremonies are really.” You might not know what rose ceremonies are like, but know this: Olivia Higgins sounds awful.

Finally, it’s cocktail party time, where Ben’s “nerves are a little less.” (Clearly.)

Ben quickly pulls Leah aside to explain that she might not have had a date this week, but he wanted her to know that he’s confident in what they have.

But before he can visit anyone else, Olivia — his “wifey” — steals him for another kiss. According to her, she wants to kiss him until his lips fall off, which sounds perfectly healthy to me.

My favorite part of this interaction is Olivia telling Ben, the guy she’s spent very little time with, “you make me really happy,” to which even Ben is taken aback: “That’s a good start,” he says. Translation: We just met; slow the hell down.

As Olivia returns to the other women, she informs everyone that she’s had her time, which means they’re free to have theirs. Sweet, right? She’s just the best.

And leave it to Lace — who’s already slurring — to confront Olivia. And by “confront Olivia,” I mean that she says a lot of things at Olivia, but none of it’s worthwhile.

Instead, Lace goes and grabs Ben to explain her “bold personality.” Guys, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation: She was “dorky looking” when she was a kid. As she asks Ben, “Can I tell you one picture?” YOU LITERALLY CANNOT BUT WHATEVER. Apparently, Lace became Lace the day she had bangs and two of her hairs curled. Talk about traumatizing. Now I feel like I get her.

Explaining that her brothers pretended not to know her on the bus — because of your bangs? or your split personalities? — she says that’s part of her that she’s working on.

Thankfully for Ben, Lauren B saves him. Meanwhile, Lace thinks everything would’ve been perfect “if it wasn’t for that Lace that came out.” So it’s confirmed: There are multiple Laces inside her head.

To reassure Lauren B, Ben gives her a picture of their first conversation. He then gives Lauren H a first-place ribbon for managing the largest explosion at the science fair. (How many pockets does Ben have?)

But Ben’s Make Everyone Feel Special tour isn’t over yet. Talking to Amanda, he once again thanks her for telling him about her daughters. Furthermore, he wants to make her daughters barrettes. Man, he’s really pulling out all the stops with these women. Well, except for Amber. She doesn’t even get a wave from across the room.

At this point, Harrison enters, signaling the transition from the women feeling special to feeling disposable. Who’s excited?!

Ben hands out roses to: Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, and LB, who pulls Ben aside. Apparently, LB isn’t feeling it, so she leaves on her own, and all I want to know is WHO WAS ORIGINALLY GOING HOME WHO NOW GETS TO STAY?

In the handing out of roses, part 2, Ben keeps: Jennifer, Emily, Jami, Lauren H., Shushanna — awkward hug and all — Haley, and Amber. (Does this mean Amber was originally going home?)

So, leaving us tonight are Sam, Mandi, and Jackie and her tiny mouth.

But the real loss is Kevin Hart, who explains that his deal breakers are women who wear heels, women who have chapped lips, and women with bumps on their backs. (The man knows what he doesn’t want.)

Alright, with that, we’ve reached the end of week two. If you need me, I’ll be investigating Dr. Love.