The Bachelor recap: Clueless in Seattle

Craig Sjodin/ABC

I have to admit, TV watchers, I was a little trepidatious about episode five. The Bachelor is fueled by crazy, and without it, the show is as weak as Superman in a room full of Kryptonite. So after Megan, Lauren and Tooth Nazi unceremoniously got the boot last week, would Jason’s ”journey” still be worth watching? As it turns out, yes — but not for the reasons I expected. The five remaining ”ladies” aren’t nearly as nutty as the Troika of Terror, but Jason himself has stepped it up in the baffling behavior department, and that — plus an assist this week by Stephanie’s increasingly wacky, age-inappropriate wardrobe — is keeping this ”journey” entertainingly absurd.

The ”ladies” roll out of bed to meet Harrison in the living room, and he informs them that ”everything is about to change.” Well, not everything — just the location: We’re all going to Seattle! (Cue screaming.) Melissa is excited because ”one of us is going to be moving there and starting our life there.” I know Jason stays in Seattle because of Ty, but I love how there isn’t even any lip service paid to the idea that maybe the Bachelor would be the one to uproot his life and move to his fiancée’s hometown — that would be silly, right? It’s not like any of these ”ladies” have ”careers” or ”friends” or ”family” or ”identities outside of being someone’s girlfriend/wife/chippy on the side.”

But my cynicism is washed away in an instant when all of us a sudden we see… TY! He’s hanging out in the park with Jason’s sister-in-law (I’m guessing Ty’s mom would rather hack off her own foot and eat it than take part in Jason’s ”journey”). Awww, we missed you, little buddy! Go give your daddy a hug! Excuse me… I need a minute… There’s something in my eye… Okay, I’m back. So Jason’s hanging out at home — and even though Molly later refers to it as ”his actual home,” I refuse to believe that it’s his real house, because it is practically identical to Tom Hanks’ houseboat-thingy in Sleepless in Seattle, right down to the dock-style front walkway. ABC has been marketing this as The Bachelor: Sleepless in Seattle Comes to Life since Day One, so why wouldn’t they make him pretend to live in a houseboat? Plus, ABC’s legal department had to be worried that if they showed Jason’s real house on TV, Raquel would track him down and tie him to the bed Misery-style until he agreed to become her husband.

When the ”ladies” arrive at their swank hotel, Jason’s waiting for them bearing a date card, which he nonchalantly pulls from his back pocket and hands to Melissa. ”I’ll be back at 7:30 to pick you up,” he tells her. (That’s a little odd, since no one on The Bachelor ever mentions the time of day. It’s almost as though the producers want us to remember that Jason’s due back at a certain time… like they know in advance that something might prevent him from getting there when he’s supposed to… Maybe I’m overthinking this…)

Anyhow, Naomi is pissed that she did not get the one-on-one date yet again. And she’d be really livid if she knew how super amazingly romantic the evening’s going to be. Says Jason, ”We’re going to start off at the Space Needle, have a really romantic dinner, and then I’ve got a helicopter waiting and we’re going to take off to a beautiful waterfall not too far away.” (Hmmm, that’s odd, too. Since when does Jason give us a description of what he’s got planned for the date before it happens? Don’t the producers usually like us to be surprised along with the ”ladies”? They sure are working hard to convince us that Melissa’s date is going to be really fancy…)

NEXT PAGE: Melissa cleans up Jason’s mess

Back at the (faux) Bachelor pad, Daddy informs Ty that he’s going out tonight, and understandably that poor little boy — who has no freaking clue why his dad keeps disappearing for days on end — is simply not having it. Jason is (or pretends to be) frustratingly obtuse about why Ty is being a ”grumpy-pants,” asking him, ”So, is it okay if I go bye-bye?” Um, no. What part of your son’s heartbreaking attempts to communicate that he wants to spend time with you did you not understand? Was it when he cried, ”Daddy, don’t keep going!” Or when he got up from his race car bed, told you to ”stay here,” and shut the door so you couldn’t leave his bedroom? Meanwhile, at Heartbreak Hotel, it’s 8 p.m. and Melissa is starting to worry, since Jason is half an hour late. The phone rings, and — what do you know? — it’s Jason calling to see if Melissa would mind coming over for a low-key date rather than hitting the town in style. Well played, team Bachelor. And really, the situation is a win-win for Jason: He gets credit for spending time with his kid without having to sacrifice a night of staring at Melissa’s (surgically reduced) ”amazing qualities.”

When Melissa arrives at the houseboat, she immediately starts tidying up Ty’s toys and the half-eaten pizza from dinner because, you know, that’s what women do: ”I went in, did the role, cleaned it all up, and sat on the couch and waited.” Once Jason comes downstairs, she slips into something more comfortable, which in this case is shorts and a T-shirt — though I’m guessing anything would be more comfortable than her strapless gown that’s held up by a sparkly boob snake. And while Jason says he’s ”not quite ready” for any of the women to meet Ty yet, he lets Melissa peek at him while he’s sleeping. That would just kill the ”ladies” if they knew: they’re all moping because Melissa is spending time with Jason at ”home” with Ty in the next room. ”I think all of us were just really jealous,” sighs Jillian.

With the first one-on-one out of the way, it’s time for the group date. Stephanie, Jillian, and Molly head out to the waterfront where Jason’s waiting for them on a ferry. (Side note: Yes, Naomi, you got the second one-on-one date. Will you please stop whining now?) As the group cruises around the harbor — where they just happen to float by the Sleepless in Seattle house, natch — Jason pulls Stephanie aside for some alone time. I think he asked her something about missing Sophia, but to be honest I was too distracted by her white fur-trimmed vest from the Barbarella Ski Collection to hear what they talked about. Once back on dry land, Jason takes the ”ladies” to a radio station for part two of the date. ”I’m going to need some outside help to make my final decision,” he explains, and in keeping with the episode’s relentless Sleepless in Seattle theme, he chooses two random disc jockeys named Jackie and Bender to give him relationship advice. (If the next part of their date involves a screening of An Affair to Remember, I may throw something at my TV.) The ”ladies” are ushered into a soundproof booth while Dr. Marcia Fieldstone — I’m sorry, Jackie and Bender — interview Jason in the next room. Stephanie says something in her confessional about how she loves watching Jason talk, but I was so distracted by her blindingly bright clown blush and her sparkly T-shirt that I didn’t quite catch it.

NEXT PAGE: Sex talk and a kissing quiz

While Stephanie, Jillian, and Molly can’t hear the interview, the radio’s blasting over at Heartbreak Hotel — and Melissa and Naomi are devastated when Jason says the best date so far was the trip to LegoLand with Stephanie and Sophia. And when he lets slip that Molly is the best kisser, Melissa and Naomi feebly try to rationalize that maybe the host was only asking who the best kisser was among the three women in the radio station, but even they realize that’s just pathetic wishful thinking. Then the hosts put Jason to the test: He must kiss each woman while blindfolded and correctly identify whose lips are whose. Ooh, this is going to be a tough one. Oh, wait, no it won’t: Jillian makes sure Jason knows it’s her by raping his mouth with her tongue; Stephanie comes at him with another ”around the world” style kissing assault; and Molly goes for her patented kung-fu face grip. (Do I even need to mention that Jason aces the test?) Things get a little uncomfortable (for me, at least) when the hosts start quizzing the ”ladies” about what they’re like in the sack. Molly says lingerie makes her feel ”good” and ”wanted”; Jillian says she likes her sex to be ”fun” and ”playful”; and Stephanie reveals the already obvious fact that she likes to ”kiss every square inch” of her man. Thank God for the commercial break — I need to go give my mind a Silkwood shower to get these images out.

After dinner, Jason pulls Jillian aside because he feels like there’s been ”something different” about her since they all got to Seattle. After a little probing, Jillian admits that she came on the show as a lark and is now ”stressed ooooht” because she’s developed feelings for him. I’m sorry, Jillian may say she believes Jason ”could be the one,” but I don’t buy it. There isn’t one iota of chemistry between these two, even when they’re making out. Jason may be smitten, but I think he’s going to learn that a relationship built on processed meats and condiments can’t really last. Sad but true.

The next day it’s finally time for Naomi’s one-on-one date, which begins with an aerial tour of Seattle — though the duo spend almost as much time touring each other’s tonsils as they do looking at the scenery. Then it’s off to a rock-climbing wall for some ”extreme” making out and an even more extreme confession: Naomi, who too often slips into a little-girl voice when talking to Jason, reveals that her mom abandoned her family during a ”mid-life crisis.” Now, after resenting her mom for years, Naomi says she’s come to terms with what happened — and she realizes that she’s more like her mom than she thought. Despite her assurances that she hopes to spend her time ”cooking” and enjoying ”family Christmases,” Jason is probably having trouble hearing her over the blaring sound of his mental alarm: Warning! Warning! Security breach detected! A commitment-phobe has entered the premises! Do not engage! I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE! Show of hands, who expects him to listen? Yeah, me neither.

Jason surprises the ”ladies” the next day when he drops by unannounced at the Heartbreak Hotel. It seems he’s fallen hard for Jillian and is worried she’s going to grind his heart into a fine powder the way She Who Shall Not Be Named did on The Bachelorette. Over cappuccino and scones he presses Jillian to express her feelings, and eventually she does open up… her mouth, to make out with Jason as passers-by turn and stare.

NEXT PAGE: Jason chokes at the rose ceremony

When Harrison arrives for his pow-wow with Jason, the Bachelor is still struggling over who should get the hometown dates. He even forgot to turn on the lights when getting dressed, as evidenced by his jarring striped shirt-and-dotted tie combo. ”We just talked about all these girls, and you really don’t have much bad to say about any of them,” marvels Harrison. Dude, have you met the Bachelor? I’m pretty sure the only adjectives he knows are ”amazing” and ”incredible.” (By the way, Jason’s ”amazing” count this episode: 3.) Then Jason informs us that he didn’t sleep at all last night — meaning he was literally sleepless in Seattle. OK, you know what, ABC? You win! I surrender! Jason is going to marry Meg Ryan at the top of the Empire State Building in a ceremony scripted by Nora Ephron! Are you happy now?

At last, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Jason looks like he’s about to puke from nervousness. (Or maybe he’s just dizzy from looking at his clashing shirt and tie patterns in the mirror.) He tells the ”ladies” that he’s just not ready to give out those final four roses — he needs to have one more conversation with Naomi first. After he leads her out of the room, Stephanie, Melissa and Molly huddle together like nervous tweens at a seventh grade dance — OMG, you guys! What’s going on? Well, it seems Jason still isn’t sure that Naomi is ready to be a homebody with him and a stepmom to little Ty. She gives him the exact same song and dance he got on the rock climbing date — ”I’m over the single lifestyle” — and for some reason, this time he’s convinced.

I think we all know where this is heading. Stephanie, for all of your crazy outfits, overdone makeup, and excessively sparkly accessories, you really do seem like a nice person — and you and Sophia deserve a happy ending, which I’m sure you’ll find once you’re out of the glare of The Bachelor spotlight. While I think it sucks that Jason led Stephanie on for as long as he did, I think he really did try to feel something for her other than just admiration — but it clearly just wasn’t there. As long as we don’t see Sophia starring in The Bachelorette: The Next Generation in 20 years, at least we’ll know there was no real harm done.

Okay, Bachelor fans — it’s time to get busy with your theories, gripes, and predictions on the comment boards! Were you at all surprised that Stephanie went home — or just surprised it didn’t happen sooner? Should Naomi and Molly just pack their bags now so Melissa and Jillian can duke it out for the final rose? And for the love of God, where does Stephanie shop? When you’re done posting, head over to PopWatch to read Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog. This week, he reveals the secret you’ve all been dying to know: Why does he always say, ”This is your final rose tonight”? And be sure to click on the extended scene below, in which a very tense Molly, Naomi, and Stephanie have a quiet freak-out after Jason steals Jillian away for a private chat. So much to talk about! Get posting, Bachelor fans!

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