'Bachelor in Paradise' Season Premiere Recap: An Actual S***show

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the season premiere of Bachelor in Paradise.

Gather ’round, rose lovers, and let me tell you of a dark time in Bachelor history — a time when all of Bachelor Nation was forced to roam aimlessly in a Chris Harrison-free desert from August until January. Imagine, if you can, having to wait nearly six months to hear those precious words, “This is the final rose tonight.”

Well no more! Now the Bachelor Gods sate us nearly year-round with rose-flavored manna, and today marks the beginning of the latest season of Bachelor in Paradise — a Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad/Sandals All-Inclusive Resorts hybrid ecosystem that has its own customs and rules.

Rule No. 1: There’s no such thing as personal space.

Let’s get this island party started. Of course, presiding over it all with a jaunty but regal air — and his trusty Butter Knife of Bad News — is sir Chris Harrison, and his humble servant Jorge. The host greets us outside Playa Escondida, “where the sea is as salty as the tears of the brokenhearted.” (Take it down a notch, Team Bachelor.) Our starting roll call:

Emily and Haley: Blond twins from Las Vegas (Ben’s season) who have been waiting their whole lives for reality TV producers to find them. These two were born for BiP. I’d be offended by their opening-montage ID — “The Twins” — but if these two don’t mind having their individuality erased by Team Bachelor, who am I to complain? Also, I think these two forfeited their dignity the moment this happened:

Nick: Professional Bachelor Runner-Up (see: Andi, Kaitlyn). Attempting to rehab his “villain” image by lifting weights under an American flag.

Jubilee: Extremely self-protective (aka “unapproachable”) Army vet whose strong insecurities undermined her chances with Ben. Now, though, she’s working on fixing her Resting Bitch Face.

Evan: Whiny “erectile dysfunction specialist” (hence the phallic banana in his intro). Fellow BiP‘er Chad is his mortal enemy, as Chad still owes him $17.99 for ripping Evan’s T-shirt during a scuffle over JoJo.

Chad: Protein-obsessed muscle-head who threatened violence against Evan and almost every other contestant on JoJo’s season. Currently trying to rehab his “villain” image by cuddling with his puppy Pumpkin on camera.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Episode 1

Lace: Drunk Girl who nearly reclaimed her dignity by removing herself from Ben’s season to work on herself… but then a) agreed to come on BiP and b) allowed Team Bachelor to film her falling off a pile of sand for her intro, so it’s a wash. #LoveYourself

Daniel: Dorky, somewhat lovable Canadian/sound-bite machine who once asked JoJo if she “follows the Internet.” Will forever be a hero for trying to reason with Chad by saying, “Let’s pretend you’re Hitler…” Looking for an eagle in a sea of pigeons.

Amanda: Single mom of two girls; Ben dumped her after meeting her kids on hometown dates. Her kids are her “entire world,” and fortunately she seems to have access to excellent child care.

Those deemed unworthy of an intro feature include…

Jared: He of the Problematic Facial Hair may have had an actual job at one point, but now his occupation is Bachelor Lifer. Left Ashley I. heartbroken in Season 2 of BiP.

Vinny: Nice-guy barber from JoJo’s season.

Carly: Cruise ship singer/Bachelor Lifer from Chris Soules’s season. Bachelor Nation watched horrified as she was brutally dumped by Kirk during BiP Season 2. Back for more, because [insert the definition of insanity here].

Izzy: She showed up to Ben’s season wearing adult onesie pajamas. (Had to look this one up, to be honest.)

Grant: Chisel-chinned firefighter from JoJo’s season.

Sarah: Graphic designer/Bachelor Lifer who struck out in Paradise last season after an overnight date with never-nude Robert.

Several Bippers were not accounted for in this opening sequence, the most important of which is this guy:

Hooray for Wells Adams, the (relatively) skinny DJ who nearly died trying to impress JoJo during the firefighter date… and then got sent home after waiting about four weeks (that’s 28 years in Bachelor time) before kissing her.

Arrivals begin with Amanda, who says something to Harrison about being ready to love again — but I couldn’t really hear over the incessant screeching of the tropical birds. Nick rolls up next, flashing his smarmy grin as he tells the host that he’s there with an “open mind.” After that Jubilee joins the party, followed by Evan “the Penis Guy” (Jubilee’s words). “He does look better in person,” admits Jubilee, a sentiment that Amanda echoes. Whatever happens, I’d say Paradise is already a win for the Penis Guy.

Hey look! It’s Vinny! If you’re still having trouble placing him, you are not alone.

“I’m in Puerto Vallarty and I’m ready to party!” announces the living, breathing Long Island stereotype. Carly arrives next, and though she suffered “the worst thing in the world” last season, this perky blonde does not “give up on love.” Or in the more transactional language of Paradise, Carly is here to “test drive some cars.”

Grant, who comes down the stairs next, may be an option, but Daniel the Canadian is unlikely to let Carly or any of these other “ladies” sit in his driver seat. “I was hoping for a couple good-looking girls,” he reports. “So far, I’m not impressed.” He goes on to compare the women to “poodles and little Yorkies and just washed-up stray dogs.” Nice, pal.

Evan is not pleased to see Captain Canada, because “where there’s a Daniel, a Chad is not far behind.” Even the seagulls and pelicans — which seem to have multiplied tenfold since last season — are sensing a disturbance in the island force. “Like, I don’t know about all these birds,” says Grant warily. “Something bad’s gonna happen.”

Did you say something bad, Grant? Surely you meant … something Chad. But first (©Julie Chen), it’s time for Sarah. Will this be the season she gets engaged? “I’m not going to stop coming until that happens,” Sarah says firmly. Excellent plan, hon. Vinny thinks Sarah is beautiful, but Daniel still thinks all the women on offer look like fruit “that’s been bruised in transportation.” That is, until Emily and Haley arrive. And guess what? He miiiiiight have a shot? “If there’s someone that I want to get to know better, I’d pick Daniel,” says Emily. “He’s… interesting.” But will his bulge pass muster? Only time (and a few hours of the open bar) will tell.

Who’s that coming down the stairs?

It’s Izzy, you silly girls! And she’s on a mission. “First things first — I want to pull Daniel [aside],” says this alleged former contestant. “I think there’s something very sexy about him… I’m not sure what it is exactly.” Welp, it’s certainly not his listening skills. Behold this conversation:

Daniel: “How old are you?”

Izzy: “I’m 25.”

Daniel [interrupting]: ” 27? 23?”

Izzy: “25.”

Daniel: “21? Nah, you look 20.”

Izzy: “I’m… 25.”

Daniel: “21?”

Izzy [with world-weary resignation]: “Yep.”

Hopefully first impressions will work out better for Lace, who’s just come down the stairs sporting glorious ombre hair extensions.

We interrupt these intros to bring you a first-dip-in-the-ocean montage, the centerpiece of which is footage of Emily and Haley running hand-in-hand while a quasi-Charlie’s Angels score plays in the background. (What happened, Team Bachelor — was the Spelling estate charging too much for the rights?)

And we’re back. Heads up, Jubilee — your potential dream man is here!

Yes, it’s Jared, aka the guy who probably just lives at the resort now. Before Jubilee can work up the courage to say hi, though, Sarah swoops in for a get-to-know-you chat. “He’s a hot commodity!” says Amanda.

Sure, but he’s not the main event. That’d be Chad — and it’s about time to unleash the best. Team Bachelor signals his arrival with a lovely homage to Jurassic Park.

The ground shakes, glasses rattle, and champagne flutes fall off tables as something big and loud lumbers through the jungle. (Please, someone leak the footage of the Bachelor interns crouched on the floor shaking tables by the legs.) ¡Peligro, Señor Harrison! It is… the Chad.

He’s back, and his song is still the same. “Everyone wants to show up [on The Bachelorette] and they all want to be the fan favorite, and I didn’t care,” he explains, as Harrison looks on with a smirk. “I don’t need money. I don’t need fame. “I’m looking for a girl… But I’m not willing to be fake.” Well, pal, if you really don’t want to be fake, you should probably avoid tightly-orchestrated reality shows that openly construct an isolated fantasy environment built to induce temporary emotional attachments among their weak-minded populations. But I digress. Hey Evan, look who’s here!

The “ladies” watch Chad’s arrival with a mixture of fear, curiosity, and lust. “I’m kind of scared of him,” notes Amanda, while Izzy declares, “He’s definitely really, really beautiful.” And maybe, wonders Sarah, Chad’s just “misunderstood” and once you “chisel” away at all of his layers of douche-baggery you’ll find a man underneath who’s worth loving. Right, Carly?

Preach, girl.

Daniel, meanwhile, is giddy about Chad’s arrival. (Perhaps that’s why he hasn’t been satisfied with any of the women so far, because his dream girl is actually a Chad?) He teases Chad about his rock-hard torso (“You haven’t been working out, have you?”) and brings up the infamous Hitler/Mussolini comparison again. “At least all those people were rich,” replies Chad drily. (Oy vey.)

What’s this? Is Chad over at the bar apologizing to Evan for their past blowups? Evan can’t believe it: “It’s quite possible that Chad forgot his steroids and took his happy pill instead.” Nah, Team Bachelor would never let that happen. Instead, they want everyone to follow Daniel’s plan.

Booze Control! How is that NOT this season’s subtitle?

Harrison arrives for the obligatory explanation of BiP protocol: Date cards, rose ceremonies, and a new island 2-for-1 special.

Because, you know, women are interchangeable. Once again, the host invokes the Great Jade and Tanner Love Story of 2015, and then sends the cast off to check out their “living situation.” Yeah, “situation” is right — not enough walls, no A/C, bunk beds… in other words, your typical Bachelor-level accommodations. I mean, there’s barely room for all of Chad’s protein powder! Though for now he should probably just focus on figuring out how to open the refrigerator.

As the sun sets, conversation turns to the central question: So, who do you like? Daniel’s interested in “one of the twins,” Grant’s got his eye on Lace, Nick’s into Amanda, while both Emily and Jubilee are focused on Jared. Unfortunately for Twin 1, though, Jubilee gets the first date card, and she makes a beeline for her patchy-faced crush.

Jared says yes (sound is muffled so it’s hard to tell how he excited he really is), so while she primps for their date, let’s head over to the bar to see how the other possible couples are getting along.

Yep, it’s right on cue: Lace is complaining about not getting enough attention. Of course, it is important for a guy to ask his date questions about her life — and Lace, like all the Bippers, is on the clock. If Grant’s not gonna let Lace talk about Lace, she has every right to move on to the next dude. Which is precisely what she does. “I want to see the soft side of Chad,” she tells the Meat Man, before splashing him playfully. Daniel sums this up nicely. “You’ve got the two crazy people. Maybe it’s a match made in heaven, or maybe it’s a match made in hell. Who knows?” Our money’s on the latter.

Within minutes, Lace and Chad go from play-fighting to making out to play-fighting to making out again. “I think they’re the type of people who like to choke each other out while they’re having sex,” notes Vinny wisely. Exhibit A:

“They’re kiss-fighting!” marvels Haley. “They’re fighting with their faces.” The Lace and Chad show leaves both Grant and Daniel feeling cast aside and lonely. Everyone else, meanwhile, feels extremely awkward.

The dynamic between Lace and Chad continues to devolve from one of “flirtatious roughhousing” to “dominant and submissive” as Lace, God bless her, refuses to walk toward Chad until he breaks down and comes to her.

“I feel like they’re turned on by each other’s chaos,” says a bemused Carly. “I think we’re all just waiting for the next storm.”

Switching gears to a calmer, slightly less frightening romantic encounter: Jubilee and Jared’s date. I say “slightly” because their dinner seems to be taking place in a piñata slaughterhouse.

How many papier mâché donkeys had to give their lives for these decorations, Bachelor interns?? Over dinner, J & J discuss their mutual love of Lord of the Rings, and everything’s as peaceful and idyllic as the Shire… until this happens.

A candy-colored clown suddenly emerges from behind a veil of streamers, causing Jubilee to leap out of her seat. (Love how Jared bolts from the table without even pretending to make an effort to shield Jubilee from the impending danger.) Anyhow, of course they’re terrified; clowns are pure nightmare fuel. This one, however, purports to be friendly — all this clown wants is for Jared and Jubilee to smash some piñatas while he talks trash about them to producers. (“I think he’s starting to lose his hair,” squeaks the creepy intruder.)

As for the clown-humping sequence? Let us never speak of it again.

Back at the beach, Carly — Bachelor in Paradise‘s narrator for the second season in a row — informs us that Izzy and Vinny have already made it ocean-makeout-session official. And that’s downright wholesome compared to what’s going on with Chad and Lace right now. “I will throw you under a bus and hold you down and duck-tie you up and make sure you smell like peppermint,” Chad slurs to his ladylove, who does not appreciate the sentiment. “Are you f***ing kidding me?” she shrieks, attempting to punch Chad in the nuts. “Shut up. Stop being mean.”

Chad Bear responds with a bunch of expletives (does he call Lace the b-word? The c-word? Some hideous new term yet to be discovered by linguists?), and at long last Lace has finally had enough. Though she likely began this “journey” with Chad to a) get attention and b) prove to herself that she could stand up to a bully, our drunken heroine is no longer interested in being a part of this particular charade.

Carly’s right — this is most likely the shortest relationship in Bachelor history (unless you count the love affair between Juan Pablo and Bachelor Nation). Lace retreats to the pool to cry, but Chad is not far behind. He’s too macho to comfort her, though; instead, he sits about four feet away and stares at a point in the distance just over Lace’s left shoulder.

“He’s mean,” Lace tells Team Bachelor. “I’m disappointed. On a scale of 1 to 9, I’m a 9 disappointed.” Can Chad push her unhappiness to a 10? He’s sure as hell gonna try. Daniel, ever the loyal wingman, approaches Chad at the bar and tries to impress upon him the gravity of the situation. “People are really scared, man. They’re worried. They think you might be psychotic,” he says. “They think you’re the Hannibal Lecter.” Not quite, Danny.

True to form, a growling, grumbling Chad stumbles back to the party where he quite literally collapses in a heap behind his fellow Bippers. There’s a moment of uncomfortable silence, and then Sarah pipes up. “The way you’re talking about women is so disrespectful,” she says, as Carly applauds in the background. “I want nothing to do with it.”

And that’s when it happens. “Yo, f*** that one-armed bitch,” drawls Chad.

Emily’s (or Haley’s) face says it all. I literally shouted “Oh HELL no!” and was ready to dive through my screen and slap that reconstituted pile of lunchmeat in the face. No one talks about our Sarah that way! And it sure as hell didn’t look like any of the Bippers were going to stand up for her. Though they’re all appalled by Chad’s “disrespectful” behavior, not a single one of them speaks up for her. “Either you leave, or I leave,” snaps Sarah. She storms off, and her sheepish, silent fellow contestants follow — all of them but Evan, that is, who gingerly tries to calm Chad down. It does not go well.

Chad is beyond wasted now; he’s full-on speaking-in-tongues incoherent. “Dude, let’s get murdered — but, like, together,” he urges Daniel, who is not receptive to the idea. They two get into a bit of a slap-fight, and then Chad lumbers off to the beach where he promptly passes out next to an inquisitive crab.

It’s probably for the best that his mom is no longer alive to see this.

Sometime during the night, Chad makes it to an actual bed — though his underwear does not.

We’ll let Vinny explain: “Apparently he pooped his pants.” Oh man, I sincerely hope these idiots have to do their own laundry. (Also, anyone holding out hope that Chad might be the next Bachelor, it’s time to let it go. There’s no coming back from soiling yourself in Paradise.)

Once dressed, Chad casually strolls to the pool and takes a seat among the Bippers, none of whom want anything to do with him. Fortunately, Chris Harrison is here to break the tension. He summons them to the “rose palapa” (!) for a stern talking-to. “It’s been brought to my attention that things got a little out of hand last night,” he says. Of course, when Harrison invites Chad to tell his side of the story, all the meathead can muster is something about “getting attacked” and “calling some people out.” Whatever — can we just get to the part where Team Bachelor sends him home? Please?

“We all came here to be in paradise,” Harrison tells Chad. “In a matter of one night, you have turned this into hell.” (Oh, I see what you did there Chris!) “You told everybody at this hotel last night to suck a d**k,” continues the host gravely. “You had a chance to turn over a new leaf, and you didn’t… I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” And Chad, bless his dumb, damaged-beyond-all-recognition heart, simply can’t believe it.

Being the brute that he is, Chad refuses to leave. ‘Why are you doing this?” he asks Lace. “That’s messed up.” Just when it looks like Team Bachelor is going to have to summon Pauly, Chad reluctantly gets up and walks away without so much as a goodbye grunt. He does, however, remove his mic pack and smash it on the ground. Yes, the guy is clearly still hurting about his mom’s death (“I have nothing in my life!” he rages), but as Nick points out, that’s no excuse: “I have a lot of friends whose parents have passed away, and they’re not a**holes.”

As he contemplates his impending exile from Paradise, Chad mutters sadly, “I can’t believe it’s happening again.” And I can’t believe that Chris Harrison, a man who has dedicated his life to guiding Bachelor Nation through the stormiest dramatic waters possible, has finally reached his limit. “You’re going to have to make this the weirdest exit ever, because I’m not going on camera,” he mutters to the crew. “I’m not doing it again.” Come on, Chris — you know better than that. There’s no escaping Team Bachelor‘s cameras. Indeed, they keep rolling as Chad turns his venom on the host. “You went to bed last night with a mimosa and a robe on!” he rants. “What are they going to do — air you watching the show from your motel room 1,000 miles away? F*** you, Chris Harrison! Come at me!”

Oh hey look, our old friend has arrived:

Sounds about right. But wait, there’s more! The “this season on” promo promises the return of… Josh! The guy who broke former Bachelorette Andi’s heart! Um, yay? But let’s not think about that right now. Let’s focus on the fact that we’ve survived our first night in Paradise. Was it all you hoped for? Are you disappointed that Chad doesn’t actually seem to be leaving? Are you rooting for anyone? Will you have nightmares tonight about clowns? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog. Now, I’ll leave you with some choice sound bites from the evening.

Daniel: “You can’t get rid of me. I’m like a disease that just won’t go away. I’m like herpes or something.”

Grant: “I feel like I’m really good at reading people, and I can already tell that Lace is a mess.”

Nick: “I feel like God mailed it in the day he made Chad.”

Jubilee: “I’ve been to war and back and I can’t even handle a little frickin’ clown.”

Daniel: “When [Chad’s] intoxicated he’s like a crazy drunk poet who’s f***ed a pirate.”

Vinny: “I kept having these dreams of, like, Chad just walking around and peeing on everything.”

Amanda (to Chad): “Are you trying to convince us that you’re a regular human?”

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. After Paradise airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.