'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 4 Week 1 recap: Trouble in you know where
Warning: This recap of the “2017/08/14” and “2017/08/15” episodes of Bachelor in Paradise contains spoilers.
To be alive is to feel uncomfortable, so I speak for everyone when I say we are all feeling truly alive these days! Fortunately in tough times we can always turn to frivolous, lighthearted entertainment like Bachelor in Paradise to escape the complications of… Oh wait. Ugh. Everything truly is terrible now.
Friends, I am going to level with you. There is no such thing as a guilty pleasure. Or at least that is a thing I used to say, before this season of Bachelor in Paradise began. As it turns out, there is at least one guilty pleasure, and it’s filmed on location in Playa Escondida! Never before has a TV show truly pushed into the realm of full-on guilt, and that’s just how it’s going to be, I guess. A complicated, uncomfortable, and hopefully occasionally fun summer thrill-ride. This is the Bachelor in Paradise we deserve. And despite everything, it’s still (mostly) a fun thing to watch! Let’s talk about this week’s two premiere episodes, warts and all. (Metaphorically speaking; everybody’s skin was flawless.)
We began with nothing less than an omen.
A flash-forward to a deserted paradise, just empty cabanas, sad palm trees, and birds of prey taking flight to leave this wasteland for good. But as with a nuclear doomsday, we could at least count on ONE survivor:
America’s uncle Chris Harrison came out barefoot and gave us what would’ve been known in simpler times as a fireside chat. Yes, some (unstated) drama had gone down, and yes, the show (for unstated reasons) had been shut down. But all that was in the past! We were now on the verge of the cast returning to paradise, and isn’t that exciting? And in case you were wondering if the vagueness of his explanation was due to tasteful discretion, or even avoiding exploitation, then literally every “after the break!” montage teased the shutdown and let you know that, no, Bachelor in Paradise will not be tasteful or discreet. It very much wanted us to be titillated and excited by the prospect of a potential sexual assault and more or less informed us that we were watching an exciting TV event unfold.
But enough of that for now, let’s get into those famous Bachelor in Paradise opening credits!
And, friends, they were amusing.
Rich with call-backs and self-deprecation, the credits of this show remain a singular pleasure. But even they were marred by the creeping dread that something had gone wrong here.
Yep, they used B-roll footage of Corinne for her title card. She didn’t even make it that far into filming.
ANYWAY, the season officially began with the arrivals of Runner-Up Raven and, uh, Blond Danielle, whose immediate No. 1 priorities were lusting after Dreamy Dean. And they weren’t the only ones.
Even Iggy wanted a ticket to ride this dreamboat. And honestly? I get it.
Ultimately Russian Kristina GOT IT first, as they ended up going on a legit date where they were attacked by a… What’s Spanish for “flash mob”? Anyway there was confetti and they kissed on the mouth and everything, so this was sort of the first official coupling. Congrats to both!
Despite the fact that all of the “drama” about this season involved binge drinking and the possibility that people cannot give consent while blackout drunk, that did not stop the editors from showing us scene after scene of celebratory drinking. Also sad drinking. And confused drinking. And drinking drinking. All the kinds of drinking!
Corinne arrived with two flutes of champagne and proudly informed Chris that she was not here to get married or fall in love or anything like that. Normally saying such a thing gets someone tarred and feathered and shamed back into a waiting SUV, but credit to Corinne for being truly honest about her intentions. She was here for an on-camera, paid vacation, and everyone was just going to have to deal with it.
Amanda returned and immediately brought back memories of her high-stress plotline last summer. In an otherwise delightful season, her “relationship” with Josh was the horror subplot. Everyone, from the camera guys, the producers, Chris Harrison, and especially the cast could tell that there were majorly bad vibes emanating from that guy, and Amanda chose to ignore everyone’s friendly warnings and proceed into his sweaty, quick-tempered arms. Ma’am, you are a mother of two. Did you truly want that individual in your home?
Taylor arrived and more or less admitted that her season-long quest to behave condescendingly toward Corinne had not gone over well with America. Still, she was here to find love and to her credit she managed to not brain-shame any of the other ladies until at least the closing credits. It was an improvement!
DeMario, the other party in the much-alluded-to-but-never-specified drama, arrived promising that he was a good guy. But what kind of good guy brings a whistle on vacation? That is a true monster move in my opinion.
Because Bartender Jorge was only ever used as a prop, he was of course summarily fired in this episode (or, uh, he retired to start a new business) and was replaced by Wells, the charmer from Jojo’s season. Now, obviously this is as contrived as it gets, as it will allow sad or dejected women to sit at the bar and pine after Wells, who will not be available for roses, thus creating audience sympathy and perhaps paving the way to make him the next Bachelor. Or something like that, because come on. This was weird. Still, Wells is likable, so whatever.
And then a woman named Lacey, who we were informed once rode a camel to meet her bachelor, was notified that her grandfather had died and she needed to bounce. To his credit Iggy hugged her goodbye before openly fretting about who’d give him a rose now? Because yes, this week there would be more men than women and he’d need to find a sexy musical chair STAT. Also, sucked about the grandfather, but speaking as someone who hasn’t had a grandparent since middle school, dying is one of the main things grandparents do. Knock it off, grandparents!
We were then gifted (?) with the arrival of Robby, whose hair was looking borderline Jerri Blank-esque. Nobody needs to know the amount of hairspray it took for him to tame his tresses in this kind of humidity, but I was surprised when Chris Harrison touched it and didn’t pull back a lacerated palm. Also, while we’re attempting to remember what makes this show so special, we might as well recognize Bachelor in Paradise‘s fondness for objectifying the men more than the women. Because guess who got the gratuitous beefcake treatment!
Oh, just an entering-the-room-in-a-towel-to-pick-out-a-swimsuit scene, which is an important moment in any storyline.
Thank you, show. Anyway, at this point Robby was given a date card and he opted to take Raven on a Sea-Doo sexcapcade!
Just kidding, they did not do sex. But they did touch legs for a minute and also kiss a little. By the end of the date Robby was boasting to his boys that the date had been “right in my wheelhouse,” which is what every girl wants to hear.
But in an amusing turn of events, Robby bragged to the fellas about how well it had gone right when Raven was off telling the girls that they’d had zero chemistry, and that his body was actually a turn-off. In one of the more brilliant observations anyone’s had on this show, Raven explained that when she sees a man with a flawless body, it signals to her that he doesn’t have a job or anything to do BUT go to the gym. (Counterpoint: THIS is Robby’s job, being sexy on national television, so in that sense he’s kind of Employee of the Month.)
Later, before the first rose ceremony, Ben Z. cut in on Raven and Robby mostly so that he could kiss Raven on the mouth and remind her that she might be able to find love with someone who is not a sentient mannequin. And Raven agreed! It was looking like Robby was in major trouble, guys.
Meanwhile, a third date card was dispersed, and it ended up being Jasmine plus this guy who’d arrived in a penguin suit, I’ll remember his name later probably. They ended up going to a drag bar, and if you can believe it, our boy was dragged backstage and put in some (very shoddy) drag! But in a delightful twist, he kept his gay panic under control and actually seemed to have a good time, which made Jasmine very happy and turned on. Good for them both!
So yeah, then it was time for the first rose ceremony, and that’s when things started to fall apart. The first thing you should know is, when something is wrong, the producers use the same classic catchphrase that the cast use when trying to c***block each other: “Can I steal you for a minute?” The question was directed at Corinne.
And we were then treated to a montage of the camera crew lowering their cameras and PAs whispering into headsets ominously while the cast looked at each other panicked. Something was wrong, and the production was being shut down.
And yes, this was the end of Monday night’s episode… So the very (possibly upsetting) thing that they’d been teasing and sensationalizing all episode was given the ol’ cliffhanger treatment. Ugh, this show.
Tuesday’s episode began with a very lengthy, what can only be described as reminder of why people should love the Bachelor franchise. It was an apology in montage-form, as we were shown every marriage that had resulted from the Bachelor’s various iterations. It culminated in the wedding of Carly and Evan, who’d fallen in love and gotten engaged the previous season (the heartwarming triumph to counter Amanda and Josh’s horror show). As luck would have it, the wedding was scheduled DURING the Bachelor in Paradise shutdown and was to take place at the same resort where much of the pool of castmembers had been staying! How convenient for everyone!
Carly and Evan seem like nice people, but would nice people ask their bridesmaids to wear this on their heads? Hasn’t Juelia been through enough?
On the other hand, they had great taste in music, so it was hard to fault them there.
But yeah, this wedding sequence did the trick of reminding us of simpler times and of people we’d been happy to see get wasted and emotional on camera. And for the eagle-eyed viewers among us, we were also afforded sneak peaks of cast members that miiiiight just be poised to join this season of Bachelor in Paradise? (ROOTING FOR YOU, Cupcake Chris!)
So this was when the episode became stomach-churning for me. Maybe you had a different reaction or takeaway, and that’s fine. Everyone processes things differently based on their life experiences! But my recollection when this was all going down a few months ago was that a Bachelor in Paradise producer had had concerns that Corinne and DeMario had not been sober enough to give consent when they fooled around in a swimming pool, and that Corinne realized that she had been blackout drunk at that time and therefore by definition unable to give consent or even remember what had happened.
But to hear this episode, and specifically Chris Harrison (and the cast) describe it… What happened exactly? Nobody specified what Corinne had claimed, but everyone laid hard into the idea that anything wrong had happened. Chris pretended he wanted to bring up important topics like sexual assault, consent, binge drinking, and even racism, but clearly the only agenda anyone had was to clear this franchise of any wrongdoing and implicitly condemn Corinne for having accused anyone of anything. Everyone expressed sympathy for DeMario (which, great!) and at one point Raven admitted she’d been sexually assaulted, but nobody could bring themselves to give Corinne the benefit of the doubt. Some of the more despicable cast members even suggested she’d made up the allegations in order to “save face.” So yeah, sorry, Bachelor in Paradise utterly failed to do the right thing in this moment and instead chose to preserve its status of one of ABC’s biggest cash generators. Great job?
Yeah, sorry, but putting it up to a cast member vote was especially vile. These people are receiving literal payments to be here, and several of them admitted they didn’t want to be associated with rape allegations. Did we honestly believe it wouldn’t be a unanimous vote in favor of partying in Mexico for another month? Ridiculous.
From here, everyone returned to paradise, but it was much rainier and gloomier than before. And the most fascinating part was that in the several weeks that the show had been shut down, several of the hot-n-heavy matchups from before the break had fallen apart entirely!
Amanda and Tinyhunk Alex borderline hated each other now.
And even Dreamy Dean and Kristina could barely keep a conversation going without revealing mutual contempt. Man, maybe they should’ve voted to shut this thing down?
At least Lacey got to take a break from mourning her grandfather to return to Bachelor in Paradise and mourn her frustrated love life. While I agreed with her that everything would be improved by the return of Canadian Daniel, it was not meant to be in this episode. (Fortunately the “This season on…” teaser showed us he’ll be back, Maple Leaf Speedo and all!)
Friends, it’s truly hard to keep my feelings separate about how much I love this show, with its delightful cast, hilarious editing, and inventive, almost too-real storytelling. But apparently even simple pleasures can be tainted by the horrors of the real world, and that’s just how it is now. So even though I was extreeeemely uncomfortable with certain aspects of this week’s premiere episodes — from what allegedly happened to how this show chose to handle things — I intend to keep watching and attempting to point out what’s great and fun about it still. Hopefully you’ll join me too? I could use a friend in these trying times.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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