Bachelor in Paradise recap: 'She's a freaking player!'

Before we get into tonight’s leg of our Paradise “journey,” let’s address the two Instagram elephants in the room: Blake and Caelynn. After being portrayed as a bed-hopping, music-festival man-whore on last week’s episodes, Blake took to social media to defend himself. He released texts from Caelynn which he says proved they were both just looking for a no-strings-attached hookup. She, in turn, spoke out and said those texts were “not an accurate representation” of their relationship.

So, rose lovers, what should we make of all this? Two things: They both behaved badly, and they’re both a–holes. This should come as no surprise to any of us, really. They’re on Bachelor in Paradise, for Pete’s sake! Shall we move on? Yes, let’s.

ROSE CEREMONY RESULTS

Derek gives his rose to Demi (which she accepts with a lusty, “Yeah, bitch!”); Clay gives his rose to Nicole; Wills gives his rose to Katie; Kevin gives his rose to Sydney (wait, they’re still here?); JPJ gives his rose to Onyeka; Cam gives his rose to Caelynn; Dylan gives his rose to… Hannah (suck it, Blake!); Blake, in turn, gives his rose to Tayshia (she accepts, for “free vacation” purposes only); and Contestant Emeritus Chris Bukowski gives his rose to… Kristina.

That means we must say goodbye to Jane, Bibiana, and Annaliese.

That’s probably for the best, hon. Time to try dating in the real world (again).

RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Jordan and Hannah Nicole: The self-proclaimed “Mayor of Paradise” arrives to a less-than-enthusiastic reception. (“Don’t everybody get up at once to meet me!” he jokes.) Even with a date card in hand, poor Jordan — who truly is a lovely guy, as this interview can attest — can’t get anyone to go out with him.

But let me back up a bit: First, Jordan chats up Hannah; she’s a model too, so Jordan thinks they could be a “Barbie and Ken” power couple. Next, he pulls Nicole aside, and when she tells him that she works as a writer, his response is absurd perfection: “I love words.” Once he starts hearing about all of Blake’s pre-Paradise shenanigans, though, Jordan gets distracted from his date mission and asks Kristina to give him the full scoop on the Stagecoach drama. “Blake one-nighted both of these gals like they were a couple of milk cartons at lunch!” he marvels. “You can’t do that, buddy!” (Of course, that simile makes no sense, but it’s also pure Jordan.)

Armed with this information, Jordan decides that he’s going to take Hannah on a date — Blake and Dylan be damned. Unfortunately for him, Hannah has a say in this decision too, and her decision is to say yes… followed quickly by a, “I’m sorry, I meant ‘No.’” Hannah, you see, realized that having two men after her (Dylan and Blake) was more than enough already.

The c–k-blocked Jordan channels all of his irritation in Blake’s direction. “I didn’t come to Blake in Paradise season 1,” he grumbles. “This is Bachelor in Paradise season 6!” To that end, the male model pulls Blake aside to air his grievances, Festivus-style. “I know you. You are better than this,” he tells Blake. (Um, not sure about that, buddy.) “It’s gonna get real crazy if there’s eight girls here saying they’re seeing you. It does not look good.”

On to his Paradise Plan B: Nicole! Jordan tells her that he “respects” her connection with Clay, but that doesn’t mean they can’t go on a date and have some fun, right? Right! Nicole is definitely into Clay, but she also can’t resist the spotlight of attention that a Paradise date brings. “I went from going on zero one-on-one dates on The Bachelor to going on, like, two back-to-back one-on-one dates,” she says with a giggle. “I’m the Bachelorette in Paradise!”

Clay handles it well. “In basketball, if you’re open for a shot… and somebody comes out of nowhere and swats it, you can’t be like, ‘Bro, why’d you block my shot?’ That’s the name of the game.”

Anyhoo, Jordan and Nicole have a good time ziplining. Doesn’t Nicole look like she’s having fun?

To be fair, that helmet-cam angle is not very flattering. Even though she had fun on her date with Jordan, Nicole returns to the beach and heads right back into Clay’s arms. “There’s no comparison,” she says, smooching him.

Cam and Caelynn and Mike: Cam has been all in (as the kids say) on Caelynn since before he came to Paradise. “Before I was even on The Bachelorette, I wanted her to be my Bachelorette,” he says. “It’s very surreal to think that in a very short period of time, I could be proposing to Caelynn.”

Slow your roll, buddy. Caelynn just needed a rose this week — and she definitely does not need you to read her a two-page handwritten note about how into her you are. Sample line: “I licked my lower lip, and your jalapeno-rita spice still lingered and brought me such joy.”

Good GOD. Fortunately, help is on the way. Mike Johnson, owner of the best smile in Bachelor Nation and the man who many of us would like to see as the next Bachelor, has arrived. Cam is bummed because, in his mind, Mike is the reason Hannah Brown sent him home on The Bachelorette. (In reality, she was going to send him home anyway — Mike’s “pity rose” comment was just a good excuse.)

Though Onyeka is clearly infatuated with Mike, he asks Caelynn on the date instead. Cam is devastated — a little too devastated, to be honest. “I was born to be a husband, I was born to be a father,” he says tearfully. “It’s gonna happen… I just want it to be here.” Dude, you’ve gotta relax. Desperation is the opposite of an aphrodisiac. For now, just ABC — always be chill. And try to broaden your scope beyond Caelynn, because…

When the mariachi band demands that you kiss, you had better kiss.

Katie and Wills and… Contestant Emeritus Chris Bukowski? Having struck out with Hannah last week, Wills gives his rose to Katie and then attempts to make his “intentions” known with a private chat the next night. “I feel like you’re such an amazingly beautiful woman, not just physically,” he says. “I feel like you deserve the world, and you deserve someone to take you on a date every single night you’re here.” It’s a lovely sentiment that makes Katie cry… but not in the happy-tears kind of way.

I can’t quite tell you how Katie lets Wills down, because honestly, her voice gets so high and tight it’s nearly impossible to decipher what she’s saying. A few words come through clearly, like “shut this door” and “it’s not going to be between us right now.”

My God, how is it possible that none of the women on Paradise appreciate Wills? He’s handsome, he’s got style, he’s funny, he has a Harry Potter tattoo for God’s sake!

Cue the needle-scratch sound effect, because out of nowhere here comes Contestant Emeritus Chris Bukowski — and I think he’s hitting on Katie? “My favorite part of the day is always talking to you,” he says. “It’s easy for me to be open with you.” Suddenly, they’re smooching on the day bed. I guess he just gave Kristina the rose to keep her safe? Color me befuddled, rose lovers.

Dylan and Hannah and Blake: Producers made sure that Dylan got to go before Blake at the rose ceremony, so he starts the week with the upper hand in this love triangle. But Blake isn’t giving up. “Even though Hannah got her rose from Dylan, I think me and Hannah really do have something special,” he says. “I won’t let any other guys down here come between us.”

Demi and Katie both try to warn Hannah against Blake. It’s obvious to them, and to all of America, that Dylan is the true-blue guy in this scenario. Just look at how happy he is when Hannah tells him she’s not going on a date with Jordan!

Too cute. But not all of the “ladies” in Paradise trust Hannah or her intentions. “There’s a lot of red flags that Dylan is not seeing,” says Sydney. “From what I’ve seen of Hannah, she went from really feeling Dylan one second, and then going in with Blake. If I were Dylan, I’d be pissed.”

Don’t worry, Sydney. Dylan is about to be very pissed, because Blake just stole Hannah for a romantic nighttime dance on the beach. “I’m all in,” he tells Hannah. “I wouldn’t be saying the things I’m saying unless I see, like, something past Paradise.” Apparently, the “spin-dancing” thing is Blake’s tried-and-true move: Both Tayshia and Kristina say he used it on them in the past. And dancing, of course, leads to kissing. Exhibit A:

As Stephanie Tanner would say, How rude! Dylan is right there, you guys. After watching his crush smooch Blake for a few minutes, Dylan works up the courage to interrupt them. He asks Hannah to come chat with him, but Blake objects. “I feel like you’ve had her, like, all day man,” he says. “You’ve, like, shadowed her.” Dylan counters that he just wants to focus on Hannah, while Blake has been hitting on “every other girl here.” Burn! Blake, in turn, accuses Dylan of making Hannah feel uncomfortable, and on and on it goes.

As for Hannah, she just stands there, twirling her ponytail. Step up and say something, woman! Instead, she remains mute, looking blankly at Dylan until he walks away. “She’s a freaking player!” grouses Tayshia. “Just like Blake.” Agreed.

3 MOST GIF-ABLE MOMENTS

1. Chris Harrison smelling Jordan’s hair

Mmmm… tangerine salt spray. Delicious!

2. Mike’s slo-mo glamour shot

Sigh. So dreamy.

3. Tayshia and Caelynn crack up over Blake’s encounter with a rock

In a cosmically perfect coincidence, Caelynn, Tayshia, and Demi are trash-talking Blake when he trips over a rock in the sand right in front of them. “He’s trying to catch a football, completely runs into a rock, and falls down. And he loses a toenail!” Tayshia reports gleefully. “Ha! That’s the best.” No toenail also means no ocean and no shoes for Blakey boy. “Paradise has just become very inconvenient for him,” says Demi with a laugh.

SOUNDBITE OF THE NIGHT

“I went to a cowboy dancehall and I puked in my boot. Walked in with one shoe on.” — Demi

No rose ceremony tonight, dear readers. Before you go, let me know how you’re feeling about the Paradise pairings. Is Hannah the worst, and if so, do she and Blake belong together? Did you see the Katie-Chris pairing coming? And who is the six-toed bandit? Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out this preview of Tuesday night’s episode, which could be titled “The Demi and Jordan Show.”

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.